Jane winced as Rob confirmed her fears of him seeing Andy in her bunk the night before. Embarrassment wasn’t something she was too familiar with, but she recognized the feeling as it sunk into her chest, making the tension seem to thicken as the seconds passed. It had obviously bothered him to the point of doing something to numb his emotions – something she [i]was[/i] familiar with. But, he had to know she wouldn’t be that blatant on purpose…right?

As he continued to speak, Jane’s nervousness evolved to a much more morose energy. They were completely wearing each other out, and she had no inkling as to what the solution would be. Every time they tried to do right by one another, it seemed to set them back further. If one was happy, the other was miserable. The both resorted to their vices to deal with their emotions instead of trying to work through it together. 

Everything was fucked. And in a way, it always had been. 

But now, the trouble would be figuring out where to go from here. Were the past few months just proof that no matter how much they wanted to make things work, it was futile? 

“Well, uh, I’m sorry about the whole Andy thing. It was an accident. We smoked and then…” Jane stopped, realizing that Rob probably didn’t want to hear the details of her night with another guy. “But, yeah. I’m sorry.” 

Jane scratched her head before looking over to Rob, unable to force a smile. “I don’t know what to say, Rob.” Her voice wavered, making her feel weak. “We look like shit. We’re exhausted. I look in the mirror and don’t even recognize myself anymore.” She could feel tears beginning to form, but she took a deep breath to compose herself. “I don’t know the right answer. I don’t know what would make things better. Or if there is anything to make it better. Jesus, I sound like I’m in a romance novel.” She couldn’t help but chuckle pathetically at herself, but her words were the truth. 

“Sometimes I think about how things would be if we were home instead, you know? Like if all of unfolded but we didn’t have the stress of all the other shit going on.” 

Jane laid there in the bunk, her eyes burning a hole in the ceiling only a few feet above her while her mind furiously attempted to find a resolution, but it was pointless. It was impossible for her to think logically when emotions were involved, unlike how she perceived Rob. He probably had five ideas on what to do, while Jane had a cluster of anger, sadness, confusion, and regret swirling inside of her.

Jane used the hem of her sleeved to blot her eyes before turning to look at him once again. The face that she had watched change and mature over seven years. And now, she couldn’t help but feel overwhelmingly remorseful for causing him to look the way he did now. Weary. Distressed. Over it. She reached out her hand and touched cheek lightly, but recoiled almost immediately after doing so. 

“The way I see it,” she began in an almost-whisper, “there’s three things we can do. One, we can, uh, we can end things. Two, we can do something different. Or three, we can just keep things as they are, but obviously, we gotta do [i]something.[/i]” She pursed her lips in disappointment. “I don’t wanna lose you, or all the memories we have together, but you know we can’t keep doing this to ourselves… and each other.” Her voice began to crack as she finished speaking, and now, trying to hide her tears were useless as they rolled across her face down into the pillow underneath her.

Did Jane want things to end between them? No. Did she have any other ideas? Not really. What if they decided to be friends with benefits instead? No, that was pretty much what they were now, and Jane felt too strongly to choke her love for Rob down either further. They could become exclusive again, but that didn’t really work out the last time. Perhaps they could put a pause on things until they got back home, and then they could figure it out then. When were they even going to [i]be[/i] home again? The weeks had begun to blend together a long time ago, and she no longer had any idea how long they had been gone or when they’d go back to Long Beach. 

“Just know,” Jane began, wiping her face with her sleeve a last time, “that whatever decision we come to, I’ll still love you, and I’m always here if you need me.”