[@Azkott]As for the critique I can give you is that your perspective is a bit janky since it sounds like third person for most of it but there's a lack of a third person tone I guess? Anyways, it sounds like you're speaking through her thoughts but at the same time it just doesn't have that sort of vividness or animation to it that makes it sound... alive. Also, that last sentence is really out of perspective since I can't tell if its what kind of perspective it is and if its her thoughts that is just being projected, her actual thoughts or her saying something.

And before anyone else thinks it in their head, yes I know I'm sounding like a bit of an asshole right now, I'm sorry.