[@POOHEAD189]

Alrighty, Dervs’ review time. Clench dem cheeks.

[hider=Review]


First paragraph in the bio has a small, but significant typo; it’d the Mede Empire, not Mete. Just might be something that comes up later.

His appearance is alright, the text works well enough with the picture, nothing really to say there.

Personality should work out pretty well with the game itself, having a character who can be both brash and idealistic and willing to do risky stuff in the course of the game. Of course, the whole “knight of the people” mentality kind of contradicts his thieving, since it would likely be common people he would be stealing from for time to time. Unless he’s a hypocrite who doesn’t see his criminal actions as anything but a necessity and that preying on the occasional person for several others and contributing to the common good (how very Lemon Knight from Game of Thrones of him), it kind of works against his whole man of the people personality you seem to be trying to establish. 

I don’t know if the Umbranox family would still be the counts of Anvil 200 years on (especially after Anvil endured the Oblivion Crisis, was besieged and occupied by the Aldmeri Dominion in the Great War, and the whole collapse of the Septim dynasty), but since noble dynasties can last for hundreds of years and there’s no information stating otherwise, I don’t really see it as a big issue, just something I personally would have considered doing a new noble family for. 

Quick question, why wouldn’t Markus’ father have brought his twin swords with him on his deployments? The swords don’t have any family sentimental value, like being passed down from generation to generation that I’m aware of, so they just seem like they’re wall hanging pieces. Given that swords are kind of expensive and typically you can buy better equipment than a medieval-style army would provide, you’d think the swords would have served his father better by being on his person instead of making due with an issued Imperial sword. I get wanting to have the swords be something sentimental for Markus, so maybe something like the legion recovered the swords from his body and sent them back home with his family? Right now, it just doesn't seem like there's that emotional connection to the swords that you're trying to establish. They're growing dust on a mantle and the father presumably had never touched them in years and just told Markus that he wasn't to touch them because they were dangerous. 

I’m a bit wary of the whole both parents are dead in the space of two paragraphs thing because it seems like that’s kind of the go-to for a lot of roleplayers who think that being orphaned tragically is the best way to go to establishing a character who sets out on adventures. If there was poison targeted at the count, how would the killer know what goblet was going to be provided to whom? It would make more sense if the server was paid off, or the killer themselves hired a hitman to sneak and do the deed, or if they wanted to ensure there was a minimal chance of failure, poison the wine or whatever that would kill everyone, hide the motive (who were they targeting? Probably the count, but it might have been one of his or her guests), and ensure the best chance of the count drinking the poison instead of someone random like what happened.

Your khajiit friend’s name is also nothing but a prefix and suffix. Ji means young, dar means thief (usually given to those born under the sign of the Shadow). I don’t know if that’s intentional, but his name literally is just Young Thief, which would be an unfortunate thing to name your child or yourself. Kind of like Nord battle names, khajiit prefixes are given to them by others. In Do’Karth’s case, he got his title from being a city guard in Torval as his disguise, and in extension, the city guards are protectors of the Mane as that city is his residence, and the only known khajiit with Do as a prefix are honoured warriors or guardians of the Mane. Anyways, just an aside, but I thought I’d point out how silly it is to have a character whose name is literally the equivalent of some guy being named Sir Duke/Lord/Baron, or Honourable Reverent, or whatever, only more… disreputable. 

I expect you have an explanation of how they found out who the murderer was after 2 years, which is a plausible length of time, but you’d think after that long, the trail would have gone long cold. My first time skimming through this, I thought I read two weeks later they found the killer and that would have been a solid no no.

I also don’t see how he’d connect bandits as being the same sort of filth as the disgruntled business man who poisoned his mother, and I don’t really know how he’d have located, infiltrated, and stole from a den of people whose entire existence is based around robbing or killing travellers. I get that Markus has had a few years under his belt sneaking around, but I kind of got the impression his life was never in danger for the duration of that. It also brings to mind how he found evidence of the poisoner’s identity if he didn’t have any skill with lockpicking; you’d think that stuff would have been locked away tightly, or he was just riding on Ji’Dar’s coat tails the entire time. Just something that I’d like clarification on, or at least fleshing out a bit more. You’ve made a thief-like character without pick pocketing or lockpicking skills, which is kind of counterproductive; anything that isn’t just lying out in the open is more or less inaccessible to him.

Here’s where we kind of veer off into the whole  realm of utter disbelief; Markus’ entire life is defined by people he’s close to being murdered. His father by raiders, his mother by a shifty business man who was targeting someone else, and now his paramour getting murdered by the equivalent of a mob boss for not paying her loans back in time. We don’t know anything about this businessman (what is with guys earning a living selling stuff that turns them into comic book villains, I wonder), or why Markus apparently trusted him, just that the guy exists for literally a sentence in the bio before Markus gets his vengeance… it’s just, it’s turning cartoony. If everything’s tragic, nothing is. It’s impossible to feel sympathy for a character that has nothing but tragedy after tragedy befall him because it doesn’t feel genuine or believable. Imagine in your real life that your dad’s killed in a car accident, a few years later, your mom is killed in a convenience store robbery gone wrong, and so you meet a girl who you move in with and then she’s stabbed to death by a jealous ex. It’s just one of those things that just doesn’t really happen, and if it does, it would end up in an internet article of people who have extraordinarily horrible luck. 

First business guy wanting to assassinate the count for screwing him for taxes makes sense in a fashion, it’s believable. This guy, it doesn’t really make sense that he’d be giving out loans and then murdering people who  can’t pay him back. This practice would have gotten him locked up a long time ago, because the very first place any guardsman would look into a murder investigation is if the victim had any enemies or anyone close to them who’d have a reason to harm them. They find out she’d been paying off this loan shark, and doubtless she’d be keeping receipts, and that guy would have been arrested on suspicion of murder until more conclusive evidence was found… although just as likely to be accused of the murder right away because medieval societies weren’t known for their crack CSI squads. 

But anyways, point is, if the guy was getting screwed for payments, he’d simply stop giving Elenwyn money and likely tell his associates that she’s an unreliable client. It puts her in a bad situation, he protects his investments, and it’s not the highest form of crime in the land. If the guy was a really bad apple, he’d probably just as likely to hire a few thugs to beat her up and steal some of her valuables. If you suddenly have a pile of bodies show up from people who were discovered to default on their loans, the net kind of starts to close. It’s extremely terrible of an idea for anyone to do this.

You’re also going to have to explain to the GMs exactly what this whole fledging information network entails. Something like that may have serious gameplay implications and give Markus an unfair advantage over other characters if suddenly he has random NPCs track him down to pass on information to him of in game events that nobody else can possibly know, for instance.

As for his skills, if he’s a thief, you should really throw in at least one thieving skill in there. I also want to know exactly where the whole mercantile thing comes in; he’s never shown having business savvy in his bio, just that every time he runs into a businessman, something fatal happens.

As for his weaknesses, I just want to point out that there’s a very real chance that the Risk Taker trait will get him seriously killed or wounded, and in some situations, it may even prove suicidal. You might want to change the wording a bit, because say there’s a situation like there being an obvious Kamal officer commanding his troops, he would be obligated to try to kill him, even if it meant certain death.

His inventory looks alright, although I assume by “bounty list” that’s a list of wanted felons, so he’s a bounty hunter or wants to be? Why would he join with a mercenary company if he had that aspiration? As well, probably not a great idea keeping a list of known thieves if they are his associates; if that list goes missing or someone discovers it, he’s incriminated every single person on that piece of paper. 

Basically, it’s a good start, but there’s some glaring concerns I think should either be altered, changed, or just expanded upon.[/hider]