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[url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LP0ig2n6naI&ab_channel=TsundereChan]It wasn’t until I was being squeezed by Beryl that I truly realized where I was and what I was saying.[/url]

[color=9D36FF]“Thank you so much Beryl, you look beautiful.”[/color] Her clothing perfectly complimented her natural look. She looked as if she had just been outside. It was the look of readjusting to the chilly temperature of the infirmary that gave it away. Of course, it wasn’t a big secret – one would have to go outside to get to the infirmary. But it just made me so….

[i]Jealous.[/i]

[color=9D36FF]“I’m so sorry guys but I have to excuse myself for just a second. I’d like to use the ladies.”[/color]

I slowly hoisted myself off of the bed, taking mindful care not to knock anything over with my [s]wings[/s] intravenous stand. They help me up, because they’re here for me. But somehow every ounce of trouble they save me by helping me only adds to this darkness inside me.

But as I left the room and gave Gratia a reassuring glance as I turned to go to the bathroom I knew myself that I had no intention of stopping there.

I made my way patiently up the infirmary stairs. Taking care to lift my I.V. up with me. Each step I thought it would dawn on me. I’m not sure what I was waiting for to dawn on me exactly but I felt like it would all make sense. Each step. One of the stairs would tell me everything I needed to know.

Once I reached the top I felt much more lost than before.

[i]Where am I going?[/i] 

Yet my feet never stopped. I knew where I was going.

Was there a part of me that…

Just didn’t want to admit it?

I pushed the doors open on the rooftop. The fresh blue sky called to me. The sounds sang my name. I could hear teams of hunters and huntresses working, chatting, gossiping. I’m right here in the middle of it.

Yet I’m [i]so[/i] far away.

Why do I feel so far away? 

Beryl and Gratia are waiting for me downstairs and I’m sitting here.

It’s harder and harder to see as small rain raindrops begin to singularly rain onto my cheeks. 

[color=9D36FF]“What a shitty day for rain.”[/color]

Who am I trying to fool with this façade?

I am crying because I don’t remember how to be me anymore.

I don’t know who I’ve become now. Because I feel empty.

I look down off of the rooftop, I see the ground.

The only thing that feels close.

When I had my wings it felt so far. I’ve never felt so grounded.

A few of my tears hit the ground.

Enough.

I pick up my I.V. and remove the needle from my wrist. 

[color=9D36FF]“Gratia will kill me for this.”[/color]

I knock it over as the fluid spills onto my rooftop.

I turn my back to the drop I was just watching.

And begin to walk.

On my own, at my own pace, with nothing’s help.

I begin to fall to my right and consider using my semblance. I don’t. I hit the ground. [i]Hard[/i]. I get back up and start again.

[hr]

I come back down the stairs and meet Gratia’s gaze. They know that somethings different. It's obvious enough from my bruised side and missing I.V. but the air is completely different. My eyes have changed to a seriousness unseen usually. I am calm, and so are they. I am determined to do what I'm about to do, so they let me.

I enter the room and the silence continues until the sound of my chest and arms hitting the ground resonates throughout the room. But those sounds are not alone. I grunt as I lift myself up off the ground refusing any aid. With the biggest smile on my lips, which isn't saying much over the past few days, I stand myself back up and make it to my bed.

I feel the smile grow as I feel like I could eat the entire world raw.