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[right][u].      Stephen Rao     .[/u][/right]
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[indent]A man's failures imply judgment, not of circumstances, but of himself. -Albert Camus [/indent]

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[indent]Inquisitive, Driven, Judgemental, Anxious, Cautious, Introspective, Pessimistic, Knowledgeable, Logical, Unforgiving[/indent]

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[list][*] Talking with someone who wants to listen to what I have to say and really think it over
[*] The moment when a difficult concept finally starts make sense
[*] When someone tells me that I made the right decision when I'm still questioning my choices
[*] Seeing an old friend again after a long time away
[*] Scoring a goal during a soccer game (it didn't happen much even back when I used to play it more often)
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[indent]To be remembered long after I'm gone, or to make peace with the fact that people will forget me. Maybe I'll write a book that helps explain one of the mysteries of the universe, maybe I'll get a mathematical theorem named after me. [/indent]

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[indent]Some people call it an anxiety disorder, and that's what the therapist diagnosed it as. I kind of think of it as thinking too much, there's some thoughts in my head that I can never get to leave, and they end up choking out everything else.[/indent]

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[indent] There was one time when I was practically alone in the town library. It was almost closing time and the basement floor was empty except for me and an old man I saw shuffling around between the shelves, looking kind of detached, the librarian was upstairs. I was just reading to myself when I heard a thud, a real powerful one. It startled me enough that I stood up and looked to see what happened. My heart was beating too fast for me to just ignore it and go back to reading. I saw the old man there, fallen down and not moving at all, like he had a medical problem or something. I remember how he looked, had a ratty raincoat on and a pair of shoes that didn't match. I didn't know what to do so I just stood there, then I walked away. I was too caught up in it all to muster up the courage to tell someone, so I left soon after. I guess the librarian found him after I left, never did hear anything more about that. Maybe he had a heart attack and made it through, but I'm not optimistic about his prospects.[/indent]

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[indent]There's a large series of things of things contending for it, but I guess I'll choose the last one in the sequence chronologically. There was this time when I was trying to impress this girl, and she barely noticed I existed. When we talked she'd just try to end the conversation as quickly as possible. I wanted to know more about her, and I found her social media profile. She constantly posted about her interests and where she liked to hang out with her friends, so I began to take notes. I built up a whole collection, and started showing up and just "coincidentally" running into her. It still didn't work, and by about the third time she realized something was up and I had to spend some time talking to the school counselor about it.[/indent]

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[indent]Someone I can talk with. Somebody who has answers to the questions in life, and is happy enough not to worry about looking for better ones. It's not really about intimacy or anything physical, it's about the feeling of calm, just being around the right person can bring that. That's the kind of thing that's hard to find in this world, you never know what people have buried underneath, so many people look like they've got it together but then the more I get to know the more I see the mess underneath.[/indent]

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[indent]I cheated on a math test once. It was one of those big national standardized tests, and I figured out a way to sneak in some notes. I ended up getting the best score in my school, and earned an award that looks real nice on applications. I don't really feel bad about it doing it, but I know people would judge me if they knew. [/indent]

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[indent]Well, that opens up a lot of possibilities. I have a bunch of ideas, but the general theme behind them would be starting over with new knowledge. There's an enormous amount mistakes I would like to fix, but I might start with going forward with more direction. I waver too much, get distracted by things that don't affect me day to day, if I could go back I could cut out of the people and things that ended being a waste of time and focus my efforts on the moments that really mattered. [/indent]