[hider=Emma Halwell - Aberration - Tulpamancy]
[center][img]http://orig15.deviantart.net/e78b/f/2016/306/b/0/f2u_streetlight_a_by_zandiazz-dan3ef5.png[/img] [img]https://i.imgur.com/FaCtAeD.png[/img]
[img]http://orig03.deviantart.net/e855/f/2013/217/6/d/black_cross_divider_by_crossxpuppy-d6gukm6.gif[/img][i][color=8A3DFF]"Just 'Em' is fine."[/color][/i][img]http://orig03.deviantart.net/e855/f/2013/217/6/d/black_cross_divider_by_crossxpuppy-d6gukm6.gif[/img]

[img]https://i.imgur.com/1RGpDC3.png[/img][/center]
[color=8A3DFF][h3] [img]http://orig04.deviantart.net/5b73/f/2016/119/0/a/f2u_deer_skull_icon_by_hotdogebuns-da0o94l.png[/img] 𝔸 𝕘 𝕖 [/h3][/color]
[indent]17[/indent]
[color=8A3DFF][h3] [img]http://orig04.deviantart.net/5b73/f/2016/119/0/a/f2u_deer_skull_icon_by_hotdogebuns-da0o94l.png[/img] ℍ 𝕖 𝕚 𝕘 𝕙 𝕥 :          [/h3][/color] 
[indent]5'4"[/indent]
[color=8A3DFF][h3] [img]http://orig04.deviantart.net/5b73/f/2016/119/0/a/f2u_deer_skull_icon_by_hotdogebuns-da0o94l.png[/img] 𝕎 𝕖 𝕚 𝕘 𝕙 𝕥 :          [/h3][/color] 
[indent]125 lbs.[/indent]

[color=8A3DFF][h3] [img]http://orig04.deviantart.net/5b73/f/2016/119/0/a/f2u_deer_skull_icon_by_hotdogebuns-da0o94l.png[/img] 𝔸 𝕡 𝕡 𝕖 𝕒 𝕣 𝕒 𝕟 𝕔 𝕖 :          [/h3][/color]
[indent]I look so normal. Or, more accurately, I put so much effort into looking normal. I spend so much time obsessing over clothes, outfits, hair, makeup... it's so fucking [i]bullshit[/i]. I look so fucking good and I hate it. I always look so happy, always smiling, always laughing. The cracks are showing. I can't stop it, I can't shake this fucking nervous twitch. It looks so fucking weird, it makes me look so fucking weird. Restless legs syndrome or some shit. I can't stop moving.

I fucking hate it.

But I guess I hate everything, huh? I looks happy, I smile well, I can lie and most people won't be able to tell the difference. I'm so fucking perfect, everyone sees me as so perfect! I just can't help it. 'She has so many friends, she's so pretty, her grades are so good, she must be so perfect!' It's vain as fuck but I know they're thinking it. I've heard them say it. I'm so good at pretending, so good at faking, it's pretty fucking funny. 

None of them can see me.

When I'm alone it all bleeds away. The happiness. The sadness. It's nothing. I don't want to be alone, I want to be away from everyone. The stigma eats at me, tears at me, but I don't care. Let it yell, let it get its jabs in. The stigma is right about me.

Sometimes I think that voice in my head is the only one that sees the real me.[/indent]

[color=8A3DFF][h3] [img]http://orig04.deviantart.net/5b73/f/2016/119/0/a/f2u_deer_skull_icon_by_hotdogebuns-da0o94l.png[/img] ℙ 𝕖 𝕣 𝕤 𝕠 𝕟 𝕒 𝕝 𝕚 𝕥 𝕪 :          [/h3][/color] 
[indent]I am a mess.

I already told you I'm a good faker, right? I'm nice, personable, people like me. I'm good at making other people feel like they're these things. I'm funny, I guess. People laugh when I talk, but maybe that's just because I'm pretty. I try to do good things. I don't always do good things. I try to help people. Sometimes I can be shy, I guess. I used to be more shy but I threw that shit out. I got good at talking to  people. I guess I can thank Riley for that. I'm a lot smarter than people give me credit for, too. Because I'm popular and pretty people think that I'm kinda dumb but I do way better in class than them. They might think that's not important, but fuck 'em. People talk shit because they're jealous.

So, why is someone so perfect an Aberration? That's a good question, isn't it? There's a side of me that I'd rather people not see, because the truth is I'm a [i]bad[/i] person. I know it. I'm worthless, I feel all this shit that I push down but it's always there. People are bullshit. Dreamcatcher is bullshit. God is bullshit. Friends, family, it's nice to act like it matters, but... it's bullshit. Or is it? Is that what the stigma wants me to think? No, it's always been there, just louder now. But I guess my biggest sin is that I feel so [i]lonely[/i]. That's fucking pathetic, right? I'm surrounded by people that like me and I still feel so fucking lonely. That's sad, isn't it? I'm so melodramatic, so weird, why can't I just be... happy? I guess I really hate myself because I should be happy, I should be normal, I have every right to be, but...

I'm not.[/indent]

[color=8A3DFF][h3] [img]http://orig04.deviantart.net/5b73/f/2016/119/0/a/f2u_deer_skull_icon_by_hotdogebuns-da0o94l.png[/img] ℍ 𝕚 𝕤 𝕥 𝕠 𝕣 𝕪 :          [/h3][/color] 
[indent]A month before I ended up at USARILN I... I did something really bad. I didn't really think about it too much. I'd been on the verge for a long time, I think. I stuffed that feeling away for so long, but when the X showed up on my throat... I didn't want to live like that. That inky black monster watched me as I did it. Guess you couldn't do anything back then, huh Determination? I wonder if she still remembers it. 

It doesn't really matter. Obviously what I did didn't work out. 

People passed out of my life really suddenly. I guess I'd gotten used to it already. I'd lost the most important person already. The month after felt like a jolt of electricity. It happened so quickly, it was uncatchable. After my mom and Frank found out I was a sub, the... they were on the verge of throwing me out. They gave up on me so readily. Frank's dad was killed by a sub. He thought about it a lot. He told me about it before I changed. He hated them- hated us so much. He was furious, confused, but the thing I'll remember most is...

They were so [i]scared[/i] of me.

Everyone abandoned me but Val. She told them that she'd take me, and she did. They protested but she didn't care. She flew all the way from California, picked me up, and promised she'd take me somewhere safe. My big sister was the fucking coolest. We were on the run, for, what, two weeks? It feels like a blur now. 

That didn't work out either. I'm here now.[/indent] 

[color=8A3DFF][h3] [img]http://orig04.deviantart.net/5b73/f/2016/119/0/a/f2u_deer_skull_icon_by_hotdogebuns-da0o94l.png[/img] 𝕄 𝕒 𝕘 𝕚 𝕔 :          [/h3][/color] 
[indent][color=8A3DFF][center]𝕋 𝕦 𝕝 𝕡 𝕒 𝕞 𝕒 𝕟 𝕔 𝕪  𝕍 𝟝[/center][/color]

Emma channels her emotions to create creatures formed by pure thought. She can only rely upon her positive emotions to create Tulpas, but through the lens of her mind they become twisted and bastardized. These creatures appears to be made of darkness manifest, beings of solid shadow that look to be constantly churning and swirling upon themselves. Ever since she fought the monster in her dream, it's felt like her stigma is nearly gone.

Love: Pulls people and objects towards itself by sheer force of mind. Love has a range of 30m, and a decidedly forceful pull.
Happiness: Self-destructs itself, creating a small explosion; it takes 3 minutes to reform itself. Happiness can follow more complicated commands than other Tulpas, such as "Wait seven seconds before exploding three meters east of the target". 
Devotion: Turns the ground into a thick and sticky sludge, greatly impairing movement. Devotion has a 10m range.
Determination: Determination is much stronger than her peers- she can hit very hard, and throughout her growth has become very strong. Determination is sentient, capable of abstract thought, reasoning, and communication. Determination is able to move through existence and non-existence, and can mentally communicate with Emma. Emma can cut this off, a feature which goes both ways. She can be sent commands by thought. Determination can command other Tulpas. Unlike the other Tulpas, she has the appearance of a person. She is 6'3", has a narrow frame, and long blue hair with a chronic case of resting bitch face.

[hider=Determination's Appearance]
[img]https://i.imgur.com/xxsLvn2.jpg[/img]
[/hider]
Charity: Can siphon energy from one target. Charity's effects are almost unnoticeable before it's too late- the effect is too weak to be perceptible, but in a fight it will definitely tire out an opponent faster that they would normally.

Emma must command her Tulpas verbally, and is unable to when they are out of earshot. Bereft of command they'll continue with the last order given to the best of their ability, but they are not very intelligent. She can summon four Tulpas at a time.
[/indent]

[color=8A3DFF][h3] [img]http://orig04.deviantart.net/5b73/f/2016/119/0/a/f2u_deer_skull_icon_by_hotdogebuns-da0o94l.png[/img] 𝔻 𝕣 𝕖 𝕒 𝕞 :          [/h3][/color] 
[indent]It's so warm. That's what I remember the most. It was so warm. Pleasant, the sunlight washed over me, it was making me clean, burning away all the bad shit I felt, but... but I was scared. I was alone. I knew all my friends left me, ran away, they saw me for what I really was. They saw me and ran away. I was so alone. But no, no, I wasn't alone, something else was there... a presence. I could feel it staring down at me but there was nothing. I felt so empty, so alone. What had it done? The thing staring at me had done something... something awful. I could feel something inside me. Power. A higher purpose. It welled up, surged, and suddenly the presence was gone. It was gone and she was too.[/indent]

[color=8A3DFF][h3] [img]http://orig04.deviantart.net/5b73/f/2016/119/0/a/f2u_deer_skull_icon_by_hotdogebuns-da0o94l.png[/img] ℕ 𝕚 𝕘 𝕙 𝕥 𝕞 𝕒 𝕣 𝕖 :          [/h3][/color] 
[indent]They were all around me. Friends. People I could trust, people who loved me. I felt so... fulfilled. Was I happy? I'm not sure, it had been so long I forgot what the feeling felt like. I had to think... think... no, this must be it! This must be happiness. A man approached me. He was handsome, strong, his smile was so reassuring. He sat down next to me, leaned against me, he smelt so good... [color=f7976a]”Tell me, was it worth it?”[/color] he asked. [color=8A3DFF]”I... I don't know.”[/color] He shook his head. What I said made him so angry. [color=f7976a]”Everything you've done, and... you... you [i]don't know[/i]?”[/color] He was gone. But I was still happy. Still alive. The emptiness was gone, finally.[/indent]

[color=8A3DFF][h3] [img]http://orig04.deviantart.net/5b73/f/2016/119/0/a/f2u_deer_skull_icon_by_hotdogebuns-da0o94l.png[/img] 𝔸 𝕨 𝕒 𝕜 𝕖 𝕟 𝕚 𝕟 𝕘 :          [/h3][/color] 
[indent]Aberration[/indent]

[indent][color=8A3DFF]  𝕊 𝕥 𝕚 𝕘 𝕞 𝕒 :          [/color][/indent] 
[indent][indent]I can hear these... voices. No, not someone else's voice. It's my voice, twisted, wicked. It tells me how worthless I am, tells me my life has no point, reminds me that I'm not happy. I'm pathetic, a burden, no on likes me, my friends hate me, I hate me. It keeps talking. All day. Every single jab at myself amplified.[/indent][/indent]

[color=8A3DFF][h3] [img]http://orig04.deviantart.net/5b73/f/2016/119/0/a/f2u_deer_skull_icon_by_hotdogebuns-da0o94l.png[/img] 𝔸 𝕣 𝕞 𝕒 𝕞 𝕖 𝕟 𝕥 𝕤 :          [/h3][/color]
[indent]N/A[/indent]

[color=8A3DFF][h3] [img]http://orig04.deviantart.net/5b73/f/2016/119/0/a/f2u_deer_skull_icon_by_hotdogebuns-da0o94l.png[/img] 𝔼 𝕞 𝕞 𝕒 ' 𝕤 𝕄 𝕦 𝕤 𝕚 𝕔 :          [/h3][/color]
[indent]
[hider=Emma's Music Collection]
[color=8A3DFF]Oh, did I never tell you that Val and I used to collect vinyls? Yeah, I know, 'who the fuck uses vinyl anymore'. It was fun though![/color]

[center][url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=ssVf326Ox9g][img]https://i.imgur.com/i8Boxv6.jpg[/img][/url] [url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=9jg4ekLG9Zo][img]https://i.imgur.com/FsujSo8.jpg[/img][/url] [url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=khMb3k-Wwvg][img]https://i.imgur.com/WyTMq03.jpg[/img][/url]

[url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=_jbXOz7PXEg][img]https://i.imgur.com/SV2OHak.jpg[/img][/url] [url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=q1fFMzu31p8][img]https://i.imgur.com/7CLPpKU.jpg[/img][/url] [url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=49m5nW7TESc][img]https://i.imgur.com/hsSkM4k.jpg[/img][/url]

[url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=nGTNUq6bgWY][img]https://i.imgur.com/wZLyf2g.jpg[/img][/url] [url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fZ1Jxef2hiE][img]https://i.imgur.com/Yd0KLuI.jpg[/img][/url] [url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=cSgWPJy01es][img]https://i.imgur.com/uVolgJi.jpg[/img][/url]

[url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Dlz_XHeUUis][img]https://i.imgur.com/e7OIepg.jpg[/img][/url] [url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=Xwt2_6JgIC0][img]https://i.imgur.com/MY09KXP.jpg[/img][/url] [url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=iyCBsbt3jhE][img]https://i.imgur.com/S0aVv5R.jpg[/img][/url]

[url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=fHiGbolFFGw][img]https://i.imgur.com/frMndzc.jpg[/img][/url][/center]

[/hider]

[hider=Emma's Playlists]
[url=https://play.spotify.com/user/diggerton/playlist/2tupVTdqOlyAc7KT4LKz1E]Can't Stop Thinking About You[/url]
[url=https://open.spotify.com/user/diggerton/playlist/4DOUDBHvcVAZXXxdH7BVzs]Things Keep Changing[/url]
[url=https://play.spotify.com/user/diggerton/playlist/0tHQhAhAABHcoR2Da72AgF]I Need To Know If This Is Going To Get Better[/url]
[url=https://open.spotify.com/user/diggerton/playlist/5GrwqaA7D8P6eIHzm1yWNU]Can't Get Out[/url]
[/hider]
[/indent]
[/hider]


[hider=Emma's Diary]
[center][img]http://orig12.deviantart.net/430b/f/2017/005/c/8/stars_night_f2u__by_alsuha-dacujq3.png[/img][/center]
[center][img]http://orig06.deviantart.net/c511/f/2015/351/4/e/you_always_were__by_asexua_lly-d9kh693.png[/img][/center]


[hider=Emma's Thoughts]
[color=8A3DFF]I think I threw away the last one because it stopped making me feel better. I don't think this is going to either, but it's something to keep me sane, at least.[/color]

[h3][color=33ec06]𝕄𝕒𝕣𝕔𝕦𝕤[/color][/h3]
[color=8A3DFF]i didn't fuck anything up this week
good job, i guess
but i'm sitting on a fucking bomb
that's about to blow us up
sorry, marc[/color]

[color=8A3DFF]i'm stuck in this weird place where
maybe i depend on him
or maybe i depend on not depending on him
but i need someone to tell me that i'm worth it
even though i'm not
and i think the knowledge that someone cares enough to try
is kind of comforting
and kind of disgusting
and i think that if he left i'd fall apart
and if he stays i'll fall apart too
i'm just one step away from a ledge
and one word from him will make me jump off or come down
and i barely know him
isn't that sad?
i just don't want him or i to say something dumb
like
'i love you'
because i don't think i'd be able to live with myself if that happened
maybe it would be easier to just say no[/color]

[hr]
[h3][color=a2d9ce]ℂ𝕒𝕝𝕝𝕒𝕟[/color][/h3]
[color=8A3DFF]i think we're pretty tight now
one of the few cool people in this shit hole
i'm doing it again (whoops)
i wonder how much she can hurt me
probably more than what would be considered 'healthy'[/color]

[color=8a3DFF]maybe callan is the friend i wish i had
the one that isn't really here
the one i made up in my head
maybe she's the closest thing to a bff in this fucked up world
so why didn't i try knocking on her door?
maybe it's because i can't be bothered anymore
maybe because i don't really feel like anything has a point anymore
but i don't think that's true
i think i'm just a shitty person
that isn't able to give back the effort other people put into me
so why do they like me
why do they like me
what do they see in me that i can't see in myself
i hope cal is okay
but i don't think she is[/color]

[hr]
[h3][color=ff57ff]𝕊𝕚𝕖𝕟𝕒[/color][/h3]
[color=8A3DFF]whoever you are
hope you enjoy the cake[/color]

[color=8A3DFF]siena santana
told me that she's changing
that she can't hold onto who she really is
she's my friend
and my boyfriend's roomate
and she told me a secret and asked for my help
but after the battle i could only worry about my fucking self
that's all i'm good at, isn't it?
being melodramatic and not doing anything for the people around me
what a joke
she reminds me a lot of the people i grew up with
but is also nothing like them
she's a mystery, and maybe not one that i should solve[/color]

[hr]
[h3][color=fff79a]ℍ𝕒𝕫𝕖𝕝[/color][/h3]
[color=8A3DFF]didn't see her this week
i moved out
am i avoiding her?[/color]

[color=8A3DFF]my friend
my friend who's trying to kill my other friends
who thinks she's a weapon
who denies that she's a person
who i shouldn't trush
but i do
i want to help her, but i think the fact that i even think i can
is just my own fucking ego
i can't fix broken people
but maybe hazel isn't a broken person?
who the fuck am i to write these things about her
and everyone else[/color]

[hr]
[h3][color=B0C4DE]𝔹𝕣𝕖𝕟𝕥[/color][/h3]
[color=8a3dff]i guess he's become my co-conscpirater
i still don't think he's a nice person
but
what can you expect in a place like this[/color]

[color=8A3DFF]how crazy he must think you are
how right he must be
you and him saw a monster eating your dead friends
and you laughed
hahahahaha
what a joke
jesus, emma
you're the joke
where do i even start with how fucked up all of this is?
brent doesn't seem like a nice person either
but can i blame him for telling me to kill myself?[/color]

[hr]
[h3][color=00a99d]𝔼𝕣𝕟𝕚𝕖[/color][/h3]
[color=8A3DFF][i]who the fuck are you to act so nice to me[/i][/color]

[color=8A3DFF]he's an asshole
the same kind of asshole that so many other people you know were
maybe that you are
he gets off on having the upper hand on people
thinking he has something up on them
relishes the idea of blackmail and drama
so why does he seem so nice?
you've seen what he is, 
don't doubt yourself
but you went way too fucking far
you crazy bitch
how long can you use the stigma as an excuse for everything you are?
the stigma isn't changing you
it is you[/color]

[hr]
[h3][color=9e0039]𝔸𝕟𝕘𝕖𝕝[/color][/h3]
[color=8A3DFF]sorry
they're killing you and i'm not really doing anything
i don't think you deserve that
mb[/color]

[color=8A3DFF]why
why
we should've been friends
where'd i go wrong
where did she
she's not a bad person, is she?
no, even if she is
nothing should've ever gone that far
why can't you let things go?
why can't you just let people not like you?
why do you need a reason?
but still
it's not all my fault, is it?[/color]

[hr]
[h3][color=lightcoral]𝕃𝕚𝕝𝕪[/color][/h3]
[color=8A3DFF]the girl with no memory
just a phone and a name
at least i have my memories to give me
some small degree of comfort
i can't imagine what it's like
lily seems too nice for this place
a quality that a lot here don't have
but she also killed all those people at dc
so what should i think?
maybe all that matters is that i like her
can i really judge someone for defending us when i couldn't?
maybe i was just shoving the load onto other people
forcing them to take the tough choices
i'm sorry, i guess[/color]

[hr]
[h3][color=00ffbb]𝕃𝕒𝕨𝕣𝕖𝕟𝕔𝕖[/color][/h3]
[color=8a3DFF]another case
of me being
a useless and shitty person
my roommate and my friend
who'd lent an ear when i felt like i was falling apart
trapped up in a hospital
with no visitors
i saw so many others
but not him
was it because of how fucking weak-willed i am?
or because i thought he didn't want my company?
there's no excuse[/color]

[hr]
[h3][color=662d91]𝕂𝕦𝕤𝕒𝕣𝕚[/color][/h3]
[color=8A3DFF]she's so abrasive
but under all of that
i think she's a nice person
it was nice, at least, to share a bottle of wine
even if i was the only one that could feel the effects
she's helped me so many times 
when we're out on the battlefield
she's a lot stronger of a person
than i could ever hope to be[/color]

[hr]
[h3][color=580ACC]𝔻𝕖𝕥𝕖𝕣𝕞𝕚𝕟𝕒𝕥𝕚𝕠𝕟, 𝕠𝕣... 𝕤𝕠𝕞𝕖𝕠𝕟𝕖 𝕖𝕝𝕤𝕖?[/color][/h3]
[color=8A3DFF]why
why
why
what the fuck did i do
i can't stand her being so close to me all the time
i love it so much[/color]
[/hider]

[hider=(garbage)]
[u][1] Aphasia[/u]
[color=8a3DFF]They always talk at me, but I don’t think I (really) understand.

What about my own voice?[/color]

[u][2] Agoraphobia[/u]
[color=8a3DFF]It would be easier if I could just lock myself in that damn dorm, isn’t it?

Hazel (probably) wouldn’t be great company.[/color]

[u][3] Insomnia[/u]
[color=f7976a]hey, is it scary?[/color]

[color=8A3DFF]Duh.[/color]

[color=f7976a]stupid question i guess. you guys are fighting all the time right?[/color]

[color=8A3DFF]That’s not the scary part.[/color]

[color=f7976a]huh?[/color]

[color=8a3dff]It’s after. At like 1 AM when I’m in bed and can’t sleep and everything is quiet and still and I have no choice but to be along with my thoughts.[/color]

[color=8A3DFF]Fuck, I used to love staying up all night.[/color]

[color=f7976a]lmao you're a dork trying to sound all deep and shit[/color]

[color=f7976a]at least you’ve got scars to keep you warm late at night right? ;)[/color]

[color=f7976a]... not that I'm jealous or anything.[/color]

[u][4] Fold in my Heart[/u]
[color=8a3DFF]i'm not really sure
if i really like hurting people
or if it's the x
anyways, how do i tell you something that i can't even admit to myself?
you need me to(o)[/color]

[u][5] Plastic Memories[/u]
[color=8a3DFF]today she asked
why we were broke up
i lied and told her i couldn't remember
but i'm still bitter[/color]

[u][6] Hypnophobia[/u]
[color=8a3DFF]i think it's better to burn out than fade away
i think it's better to feel numb than feel like this
i think it's better to separate myself than live with myself
i think it's better that i think i'm disguting
i think it's better this way
i think it's better this way
i think it's better this way
but how long can it go on[/color]

[u][7] Aquamarine Dream[/u]
[color=8a3dff]hodgepodge dirty dime dozen beautiful mess insecurities keep adding up and up and up

and up

she told me that the world was gonna roll me ([i]very funny[/i])

but it's fine

really

it really is even if thi[/color]

[u][8] footnote[/u]
[color=8A3DFF]jesus
this shit is fucking awful
i should burn it[/color]

[u][9] halycon days[/u]
[color=8a3dff]a long time ago we laughed so much
every day was like a long party
and we were so happy
not too long ago
we realized things weren't as good as we thought
and things were a little less happy
one day
i left her
and she left me
and i stubbornly refused to talk to her 
and she stubbornly refused to talk to me
not too long ago
i was trying to make it
but i was still hurting because we were so far away from each other
in so many ways
and i try to stay away from people because i don't want them to hurt me as much as she did
and i keep trying to forget about it
today you're back
and it's the same
but it will never be the same[/color]

[u][10] vibes[/u]
[color=8a3dff]smell of cigarettes 
ass pressed up against my waist
bass thump
dark room
these shoes weren't made for dancing
but at least i can find the beat
you're the first one to find me
drowning
we're just friends
but so much more
i used to be a good girl[/color]

[u][11] hypnophobia[/u]
[color=8A3DFF]1. heaven
2. hell
3. purgatory
4. eternal peace
5. i will be the cause of our death
6. we are all bound to the same fate.
7. i am waylaying the inevitable 
8. struggle is pointless
9. we said we'd see each other there
10. i don't think it's happening
11. i have no expectations
12. i am fine with fading away
13. eternal oblivion[/color]

[u][12] synthetic love[/u]
[color=8A3DFF]are you thinking about me?
i'm thinking about you too
do you love someone else as much as you loved me?
i sometimes wonder if i could love him as much as i loved you
are we looking up at the same moon right now?
of course we are, we're connected in ways that we can't imagine
are you waiting for me?
i'm-[/color]
[/hider]

[hider=don't fucking read]
[h3][color=8A3DFF]𝔼𝕞𝕞𝕒[/color][/h3]
[color=580acc]'look at me
i write
in lower case
one thought at a time
because
it makes me feel deep and shit
i'm such a
tortured artist
[s]also i have all this fucking time to hang with callan and marcus and all the other fucking chucklefucks around here but i fucking ignore the person that cares about me the most because i'm a FUCKING BITCH[/s][/color]

[hr]
[h3][color=a2d9ce]ℂ𝕒𝕝𝕝𝕒𝕟[/color][/h3]
[color=580ACC][s]bitch, bitch, bitch, venemous bitch, why the fuck does emma like you so much? i want to slam your face into a wall but emma probably wouldn't like that, i guess i'll have to settle for berating you on fucking roof tops and making you cry like the little bitch you are I HOPE YOU FUCKING DIE CALLAN BECAUSE THINGS WOULD BE A LOT EASIER THAT WAY[/s]

she's alright, i guess. i kind of want to be friends with her like em but i don't think that's going to work out anymore.[/color]

[hr]
[h3][color=33ec06]𝕄𝕒𝕣𝕔𝕦𝕤[/color][/h3]
[color=580acc]i wonder what fucked up his face and also what fucked up his sense of humor? unlikeable, not as funny as he thinks he is. i've met his type before and i don't like his type, the whole act isn't as cute as emma thinks it is. he's not as cute as emma thinks he is. just because you got me tea doesn't make me your friends, why the fuck should i have to like him he's in my fucking way. [s]i kind of hope this whole callan thing comes up and he decides he's into her.[/s]

she's not yours, cunt.[/color]

[hr]
[color=580acc]something else
i'm her phantom. sometimes i forget i'm not really her. sometimes i think about meeting her. a lot of the time i want to be her. sometimes i feel nostalgic for a life that isn't mine. sometimes i feel love for someone that never loved me. sometimes i think she does love me but i know she doesn't. sometimes i convince myself that's not true. i know she loves me. i know she hates me. sometimes i remember things that haven't happened to me. sometimes i feel things that are outside of my ability to comprehend. 

i remember going to the jungle cruise at disneyland. did you know that the jungle cruise at disneyland is a self sustaining ecosystem? it requires almost no maintenance, if humans died out and a thousand years passed the jungle cruise at disneyland would still be there. 

but the animals won't ever be real.[/color] 
[/hider]
[/hider]

[hider=Emma's Stories]
[center][img]http://orig08.deviantart.net/b9b0/f/2016/323/d/e/_free__blinking_red_light_by_didthesqd-daoyvjz.gif[/img][/center]
[center][img]https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/247532747386650624/254430249255698443/15241343_1288874347842587_7932915014817536172_n.png[/img][/center]

[hider=session 0/4 (a story that has yet to begin, or the penpal)]
[center][img]http://orig09.deviantart.net/dd2d/f/2015/011/3/e/birdcage_pixels_by_picandou-d8dixx8.png[/img][/center]
Dear Stranger,

I'm Emma Halwell and I'm fourteen years old. There's a line I always give people when I introduce myself to them- "I'm Emma. Or Em. Either way is fine." It's funny how habits form, isn't it? The smallest routines in our daily life can become unbreakable habits- well, I'd be lying if I said that line was habit. The truth is when I was younger I spent a lot of time practicing that particular phrase- my best friend, Riley, told me that nicknames endeared people to you, and I was hard-pressed to disagree. I always called my sister Val, her name's Valentine... I had nicknames for Riley too, but she preferred it when I didn't use them in public. I always thought that was strange, but I guess it was foreshadowing in its own way. I was always good at picking up on things like foreshadowing and metaphor when it came to books and movies, which made my ignorance to the reality of our relationship all the more ironic. 'Dramatic irony', I think, is the proper term. Anyways, the line. I was never good at talking to people when I was young, so I put a lot of thought into the words I used. I practiced and practiced and practiced, introductions, conversations, everything. Riley would help me, so I guess I'm thankful for that. She'd always tease me though, and I can't really fault her for that. Normal people didn't have to practice things like that, but I've [i]always[/i] needed to carefully craft the way I conduct myself. I even do that now, to an extent, although it has gotten easier. I don't feel anxiety creeping up when I'm around my friends, and everyone is my friend. I know, it sounds a little ridiculous, but there aren't a lot of people that dislike me. I guess the one thing I'm good at is making friends, and that's a good thing because I put so much work into it! Really, I'm good at making it look effortless, but it's hard too maintain all those relations. After all, it's natural for friends to fight, so it's easy for things to break apart when you're around so many people. I hate that. I hate drama and I hate confronting people. Ya wanna know what I do to keep away from it? I don't let it happen! That's right, it sounds ridiculous, but drama very simply doesn't exist for me. It's easy to dispel it, and even easier to ignore it. Eventually if you ignore it long enough it festers until that person simply doesn't exist in my sphere anymore or it just disappears.

I know, it doesn't sound like a good solution, but it really is the easiest way.

Anyways, there's this thing I've been thinking about. Well, it was a word. 'Sonder'. It's not a real word, it was just made up by some random blogger, but I kind of like it. I'll tell you what it means: It's the realization that every random person you pass has a life equal in complexity to your own. They all have problems, aspirations, friends, etc. Interesting, even if it is bullshit, right? Everyone has their own story! And that's cool. That's [i]really[/i] cool. But, have you ever wondered if you're the main character of your story? What if you're just an NPC in someone else's personal fanfic? You might even be an important part of that story, but it would kind of suck, wouldn't it? To know that there's not really a point to your life besides to serve someone else's? I used to think that was my status, but I've kind of changed my thinking on the matter. 

I like to go out on walks ever night. Like, late at night. If I had to go to sleep early I would start at six and be back at nine. If I could get away with it I'd go out near midnight and wander for however long I felt like it. There's this big stretch of woods by my step-dad's house that I'd explore for hours and hours. It gives me a chance to think, decompress, usually listen to some music off my phone- it's a good time, I'd recommend walking out at night with some good music if you get the chance. You get to look up at the stars and think about you place in the universe, y'know? It was in those woods where I became convinced that I wasn't just a side character. I'm the main character of [i]my[/i] story. I deserve that much, don't I? But here's the thing: Even if I want to believe that I'm the main character my life really isn't that interesting! I hate to say it but I'm more or less a typical high school girl. I'm not really remarkable, I don't have any notable talents or interests, I'm smart enough but not genius-status, I'm not strong, or fast, or have 'special' powers. The most notable thing about me is that I'm pretty and I have a lot of friends. It sounds a little self-defeating, I know, but it's not really that bad! Because there's something I realized: What if I'm the main character and my story just hasn't started yet?

That makes sense, right? I think it does. When I'm out in those woods I'll make up these tall tales in my head about how [i]my[/i] story is going to start- I think I'm pretty good at making up stories. I've always been good at living in my head when I need to. Anyways, for example, in one of them maybe I'll see DC out in the woods, suddenly awoken from his slumber! And bam, just like that, I'm the 'chosen one'! Eleventh Precursor with the raddest powers. I'd get to save everyone and have sick super powers. I know, it's silly, but I like to imagine fantastic things like that happening to me all the time. Maybe it even could happen? Unlikely, I know, but we live in a crazy world. People have asked my why I like to go out so late at night to wander around in the middle of nowhere- I've given them different answers: Escape, for fun, for health, and so forth. But really, I think that's the answer. I go out in hopes that I'm going to find the start of my life, the real start. Not what I've got going now- that's too petty for a main character, isn't it?

Anyways, I should wrap this one up. I've rambled enough. 

Thanks for listening,
Emma Halwell
[/hider]


[hider=session 1/4 (negative o, or the sum of two)]
[center][img]http://orig15.deviantart.net/95f4/f/2016/166/0/6/f2u___pixel_collar___other_colours__by_neko_hentai-d9w22ud.png[/img][/center]
[color=8A3DFF][i]I remember the first time I visited their house. They always came to see us, or came to see my mom more accurately… I didn’t care for them.[/i][/color]

[hr]

She was sitting out on the back porch when he found her.

[color=f7976a]”Sorry about Kyle, Emma… I know he can be a… difficult kid.”[/color] it was clear he was doing his best to be apologetic, but she didn’t really care. Sure, her step-brother to be was kind of a dick but… in response she gave a shrug. [color=8A3DFF]”It’s fine, Frank.”[/color] her apathy towards the situation evident in her voice. [color=8A3DFF]”I’ve got Val to watch out for me anyways, she can break your son in half.”[/color] she gave a slight laugh, doing her best to sound like she was at least slightly interested in talking to him. A clearly forced chuckle was his reply.

They’d been dating for two months. Her mom and Frank, that was. A strained family history made the situation entirely too awkward for Emma. She knew that Frank wanted to have some sort of relationship with her since he knew that she never really knew her father, but she just… didn’t care. Emma wasn’t looking for a father figure. Her mom, her sister, posted up in a lofty apartment in TriBeCa paid for by her absentee dad’s alimony, [i]that[/i] was family for her. She didn’t want to move upstate, out into the middle of nowhere, trapped with a brother and a father she wasn’t interested in having.

[color=f7976a]”It’s just…”[/color] she braced herself. She knew what he was going to say- that tone that told her he was going to try to make some heartfelt speech that she didn't really want. [color=f7976a]”I know… I’m not trying to be your father, but I’d like to… I want to do what I can.”[/color] honestly, she felt bad for him. She could see that he was trying. She was trying too... trying to get along, trying her best to stay out of the way of what may be her mom’s last shot at being happy, trying to keep herself from hating the idea of moving away from her friends, from her home, from a city that she loved, from…

[color=8A3DFF]”Mhm.”[/color] she gave a slight nod. It was the best she could muster, a forced affirmation. 

It was funny how much time she had spent worrying about her own problems in a world that was dying around her. It all felt so… distant. Precursors, Dreamcatcher, monsters, USARILN, somehow none of it really factored in. Sure, seeing the supermen fight giant creatures on TV was cool, but it was just images on a screen. It almost didn’t feel real, so distant from her life of he-said-she-said drama, scumming around town for a party to go to, for friends to lie to, for something to feel.

It’s kind of funny how the things that define us are often the reasons we hate ourselves.

Of course it was petty, in the grand scheme of things. Her life didn’t matter an ounce. Frank cleared his throat- obviously he had said something while she was lost in her head and she had missed it. [color=8A3DFF]”Sorry, what was that?”[/color] she didn’t need to turn around to know that there was a frown on his face. [color=f7976a]”I’d like for you two to get along… you and Kyle. Your mother would too. But if… if that’s too hard just tell me. I’ll tell her to stop making you guys hang out, you won’t have to worry about it.”[/color] there was a subtle pain in his voice, she recognized.

Emma sighed. Subtle enough that he didn’t notice. Once again, she didn’t care. [color=8A3DFF]”I’ll do whatever you guys think is best.”[/color] she shifted her weight in the seat, a feeling of discomfort settling in. She wanted him to leave. He didn’t seem to know what to say to that. [color=f7976a]”Right. I’ll get out of your hair now. Goodnight.”[/color]

[color=8A3DFF]”Night.”[/color]

[hr]
[color=8A3DFF][i]That car ride… I’d only been alone with him a couple of times. I didn’t like it.[/i][/color]

[hr]

She had gone to see a concert Val was playing. Not a big affair, mind you, more a bunch of hipsters packed into a shitty bar. She was only fourteen, sneaking into a bar armed with a fake ID, her sister’s approval, and her best friend/girlfriend who could talk her way in and out of nearly any situation. Honestly, it wasn’t as hard as it should’ve been to walk in, but they didn’t dare try to order drinks. They just wanted to enjoy the show, not test their luck.

Val would sneak them drinks and whatever else she could get her hands on when they got backstage anyways. She could always count on her older sister.

Unfortunately, their luck ran out sooner than that could happen. It was around halfway through the show that Val called a pause, then came down and informed Emma and Riley that Frank was waiting outside to take her home. It was about five minutes later than Emma found herself in the passenger seat of his truck, Riley absent with the promise that Val would give her a ride home. Emma’s mom didn’t exactly approve of their friendship. If she knew the extent of it she might have a heart attack, they had decided. 

He was the first to talk. [color=f7976a]”If it’s any consolation I would’ve let you stay if it were up to me.”[/color] he said, trying to sound jovial. She didn’t respond for a moment. [color=8A3DFF]”You’re not the bad guy. It’s fine.”[/color] dejection in her voice obvious. She’d rather not talk right now, but he pressed the issue. 

[color=f7976a]”Well, I’m sure it was a good show, at least. Valentine has always been talented.”[/color] 

[color=8A3DFF]”Yeah.” [/color]

[color=f7976a]”Riley was with you, right?”[/color]

[color=8A3DFF]”.. Yeah.”[/color]

[color=f7976a]”Don’t worry. I won’t tell your mom.”[/color]

[color=8A3DFF]”Thanks.”[/color]

There was a long pause.

[color=f7976a]”So, I saw the letter you left on your desk.”[/color]

Emma turned to him, shock evident on her face.

[color=f7976a]”Don’t worry, I didn’t read it. But I saw who it was to…”[/color]

[color=8A3DFF]”You shouldn’t have.”[/color]

[color=f7976a]”Yeah. I know… I’m sorry. But listen… if you want to see him, I could take you. I know your mom wouldn’t. I know Valentine wouldn’t. I know that... he did bad things in the past. But… I think you should. It would be good for you, for both of you probably.”[/color]

Emma responded with silence. The thought of meeting her father hadn’t really crossed her mind, to be honest. She had written him letters out of a natural curiosity… wanting to know who he was, why he wasn’t there, but the thought of meeting made her apprehensive. He was the man who wasn’t there for her.

Not that she cared about that.

[color=8A3DFF]”I’ll think about it.”[/color]

[hr]
[color=8A3DFF][i]I started to get along with Frank better after that. Months passed. When he asked again about my dad I didn’t really know if I really wanted to meet him, but I did all the same.[/i][/color]

[hr]

Frank was waiting outside. Inside, it was smoky. They had both wondered why he had wanted to meet her at a bar. A dingy one at that. But he still agreed to take her all the same, and that was what mattered. He was sitting on a stool at the bar, carrying on a conversation with the bartender. Multiple empty glasses lay in front of him. He looked… tired. A complete stereotype of the deadbeat dad.

Looked like self-loathing ran in the family.

She walked up to him with hesitation. Both men turned to her. He was far from what she imagined. She’d always wanted to picture him as some kind of monster but… he wasn’t ugly, far from it in fact. Perfectly sculpted hair, nary a hint of grey, a slight stubble that added to his appearance instead of detracting from it, reasonably fit... but there was a weariness in his eyes.

[color=f7976a]”Emma. It’s good to see you, finally.”[/color] was the first thing he said to her. She just kept staring. [color=f7976a]”Jeff, you know we can’t have kids in the bar.”[/color] the other man said, eyeing Emma up and down. [color=f7976a]”It’s fine. She’s [i]my[/i] kid.”[/color] her father said, a forcefulness in his voice. The words sounded wrong to her. The other man gave him a disgruntled look, but didn’t push the issue, instead walking away to treat with other customers. Her father patted the stool next to him, indicating she should sit. She reluctantly obliged. [color=f7976a]”Hard to believe. ‘My kid.’ My own flesh and blood, sitting here, and I hardly know you. You look like a good girl, Emma. Pretty.”[/color] he gave a slight tip of his glass before he took a sip from it.

[color=8A3DFF]”T-thanks.”[/color] she said reluctantly. [color=f7976a]”Want something to drink? Uh, like, a soda or water? Unless…?[/color] he raised an eyebrow, extending his own drink to her. She was a little shocked at that. Whiskey. She never liked it, but it wasn't unfamiliar to her. [color=8A3DFF]”No… no thanks.”[/color] there was a moment of awkward silence before he spoke again. Perhaps he was expecting something else from her. [color=f7976a]”So, how’s Val doing? I haven’t seen that girl since… well, right around when you were born.”[/color] he tapped the bar rhythmically as he spoke, the discomfort between them clear. [color=8A3DFF]”She’s… good. Moved out to the west to work on her music.”[/color] he nodded in response. [color=f7976a]”And your mother?”[/color] he forced out. Emma paused, considering how much she should say. [color=8A3DFF]”She’s good.”[/color] was all that she decided on. He nodded.

Five more minutes of forced conversation about her life passed before he posed a question that confused her.

[color=8A3DFF]”Did your mom ever tell you what I did? Where all that money comes from?”[/color] Emma raised an eyebrow. This wasn’t what she had imagined. It was too awkward, not some magical family reunion. [color=8A3DFF]”No…? She… never really talked about you.”[/color] she said, befuddled. He sighed. [color=f7976a]”I see. Y’know, I used to really be something. We could’ve had a good thing.... you should've seen how much of a success I was. A hedge fund manager. I made a [i]fortune[/i]. Paid for that townhouse in TriBeCa you guys live in. [i]Lived[/i] in. I lost a lot of it after alimony… and some BS frauge charges."[/color]

Another pause. He looked down. [color=f7976a]It's too bad I never got to be around... never got to know you."[/color] he covered his face with his hands, cadence slowing, [color=f7976a]"Did... did your mom tell you I hit her? Is that why I haven’t gotten a call, or even a letter for almost all of your lif-”[/color] he stopped suddenly. [color=f7976a]I’m sorry. The… my doc put me on anxiety meds. I think it’s got everything jumbled up. I must… I look like a real deadbeat, don’t I?”[/color] he was crying, she realized. She could hear it in his voice. She was looking down at the bar, not at him, filled with embarrassment and frustration and confusion.

[color=8a3dff]”Why… are you telling me this?”[/color]

[color=f7976a]”Guess I’m venting. Not like I have anyone to do that to other than the bartender.”[/color] a slight grin, a small chuckle, but she didn’t find it funny. That was when Emma realized he had barely attempted to connect with her, not now, and not once during her entire life. He wasn't her dad, not really. The reason he wrote her back, she now thought, was so he could take out his frustration on her. Her mom wouldn’t have it, and Val wouldn’t have it either. So he came to her. She clutched the hem of her dress. [color=8A3DFF]”I… I think this was a mistake.”[/color] she said, as she got up and left. 

He didn’t move to stop her.

Frank turned when the door swung open, surprise in his face evident. [color=f7976a]”That… was quick.”[/color] he realized that Emma was crying sooner than she did. [color=f7976a]”Is everything all right? What happened? Did he… hurt you or…?”[/color] his voice filled with concern. Genuine concern. Not like her dad. That was the moment she realized he cared, that he wasn’t just faking it for her mom, that he really cared about her. She shook her head.

[color=8A3DFF]”I… I want to go home… Fra-“[/color]

She shook her head. In the end, she was another stereotype.

[color=8A3DFF]”Dad.”[/color]

[hr]

[color=8A3DFF][i]I think I kind of liked it. I think I did it on purpose, actually. My desire to live out my life like some kind of pained artist or the main character in a novel… I kind of liked being sad, feeling torn up. It made me feel important.[/i][/color] 
[/hider]


[hider=session 2/4 (steel train, or the women deaf to the reason of a six stringed guitar)]
[center][img]http://orig12.deviantart.net/1993/f/2015/193/9/6/hands_by_lluksdoul-d912ika.png[/img][/center]
[/hider]


[hider=session 3/4 (the hedgehog, or the lance the pierced my stomach)]
[center][img]http://orig11.deviantart.net/27ea/f/2015/336/e/1/e152dcb5a2166539388452e0454f507f-d9irv5i.png[/img][/center]
[/hider]


[hider=session 4/4 (rock star, or the dreams of prison walls)]
[center][img]http://orig08.deviantart.net/6efd/f/2016/215/3/2/oie_transparent__3__by_axedog-dachmng.png[/img][/center]
[/hider]

[/hider]