[@Sep][@Demonic Angel][@CQBEXPT]
[hider=Koren Omi-Ren]
In the section under [i]Jedi Knight[/i]. The construction of his lightsaber. It is implausible that he can’t remember his crafting as an artisan. An artisan isn’t blind to what he or she is doing. Sure, he or she might not always have a clear plan in mind from the start, letting the work shape itself somewhat. But being utterly surprised to see the result and having no idea about having made it? That’s just not plausible. 


The choice of an interlocking saber is interesting, but for someone who has been stressed as “not a warrior” is suspiciously specialized. Like a shiny object is… shiny. 


As he made it, it should not be necessary for him to study it to figure out primary features like its ability to be split into two sabers.


In addition, he is woefully underprepared to actually use it. It is likely to be a detriment to him at the moment, though I suspect you realise that, given his complete lack of training in dual blade use.


[hr]
Relations. How does he feel about Sish? What does he think about that one?
What sort of people will he get along with personality-wise? Are there any traits he would respect more/less in others (Jedi or sith alike)? How does he feel about Jedi from specific areas in the Orders, like Jedi from dynasties, those who justify their actions with the results getting done, etc? 
[hr]
Torture section:
[quote]Depending on the torture Koren will be able to endure, especially physical pain.[/quote]
This sentence is incomplete. Explain a bit what types of tortures he could endure and what he would not handle very well. 
[quote]He's also on par where mental torture (personal) won't be easy as he will keep his fears to himself. [/quote]
This sentence doesn’t make sense.


Limits:
I presume the exclusion of this section mean you have no limits on what can happen to him? It would be nice to have it in and state outright that there are no limits if that is the case.
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[hider=Demonic Angel]
Firstly: Could you make it so that the responses in the “technical data” section are outside the [code][b][/b][/code] tags?


~| appearance |~
Is talon heavy or light for an Amaran? How different do you think that species is from a human and/or fox in average weight? Feel free to be a little creative with this species as there’s not tons and tons of information, but also keep it in plausible reason and when in doubt ask the GMs.  


If she’s around waist high on a human, she’d be roughly 95 cm tall. If going with a mix of numbers for humans and foxes while giving the latter more value, 20-30 kg would be a reasonable weight, based on whether Talon is heavy or light compared to other members of her species.


~| captured |~
Constance = conscience?
Where was she when the Sith attacked? Remember, the main entrance to the temple was not only wrecked, but flooded with Sith. Imperial troops were landing on all sides so as to prevent anyone from escaping.   
Went = wanted?


“When I was inside the temple” = When I got inside the temple?
force = forced?


Jedi’s sixth senses extend beyond merely a room or two and distance affects the strength of it. If the danger is within a distance to get to and hurt them in a short period, then they can easily sense it, what type of Force—if any—it is, and the direction it is coming from. Since she’s been a Padawan for a bit, she can easily tell the Dark side apart from the Light side of the force. In addition, both Sith and Imperial soldiers flooded both the temple and the temple grounds to prevent escape so there’s going to be sounds and sights of conflict all over the place coming from different areas. Think war zone scenario happening in seconds upon them touching down so it wasn’t gradual or slow. 
Here’s a bit of help: [url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=YdgmH9Vv2-I]”Deceived” Cinematic[/url]. This video depicts some parts of the sacking. Especially at the end you’ll get a good idea of just how destructive it was.


Umm… The crash of a large shuttle into the temple main entrance, the smoke pouring out, the sense of darkness from within the temple and the landing of imperial troops all around wasn’t a blatant sign of of Sith presence? Was Talon that blinded? 
    Founded = found?


~| Force use |~
The skill in know = The skills I know?
How good are you with the various skills? What can you do? What can’t you do?
Do you want her to be good at telekinesis? Or just average? Or do you want her to suck at it?
Is she any good at affecting the minds of the weak-minded? “These are not the droids you’re looking for.”
Are her reflexes average, above average or below average for Jedi? (the average for a jedi is well above the average of those not force-sensitive of their species)
Do you see her having any of the less common force powers? (see the relevant guide). Such skills may also be latent (untrained potential) so you can develop them IC.


[hr]
Meditation:
Meditation is the art of calming the mind. For many, that means calming the body and sitting still, but for almost as many this is not the case. There is a concept known as ‘Moving meditation’ that suits those who find it hard to keep still. Basically, they quiet the mind in the same way as those who sit still, but their body is moving while they do it. It could be through something as simple as running, or slow movement of the limbs, or it could be through the practice of a combat form - unarmed or armed. Many of the Lightsaber Forms can easily be practised as a moving meditation. Soresu even incorporates a moving meditation into live combat.


The Jedi are fully aware that not everyone finds peace of mind sitting still, and will have taught her to meditate while moving - its not that uncommon within the order. Her master will also have been informed of her meditation style, and at the very least will be fully accepting of it. He may even have the same tendencies.


Making it clear that she is capable of staying still, but that she really doesn’t enjoy it might be advisable. Perhaps she gets real fidgety while forced to remain still.




~| Skills |~
What other skills does she have? How good is she with these skills? 
All Jedi are trained to handle the unexpected and unknown. The sentence about such looks very… odd.
Could you try to fix that?


If she’s waist-high on most humans, pickpocketing is actually likely to be somewhat more difficult on average or taller individuals, simply because of reach. She’d have to reach up to get into any pockets. However, anything to do with hiding might similarly be easier. Other skills that benefit from a long reach obviously are more… problematic. If you’re determined for her to be effective at it, it’s suggested that she has a very fine control over her Telekinesis and could use this easily to adapt to the difference in heights. Even keeping her distance when pickpocketing? Through she would have to have some idea what she was getting, where it was at, etc before she could. 


Having a tail might benefit her balance, especially for running and other acrobatic stuff. If she’s got skills typical for her species, then bargaining, evaluation and other trade-related skills might be relevant. It could also be natural and not just learned, through the development might’ve not been happened until she was older or with the Jedi. 


As a fairly small being, fitting through small spaces will probably be easier. With claws, skills that require a lot of finger control might be somewhat weakened, but the claws can also help with precision for other things. Like a set of fine pointed tweezers. 


To give an example of how her claws could be used for a skill that is not directly relevant to thievery or combat: Claws are sharp. She could easily carve stuff with them. How good is she at focusing on tasks like that? Would that allow her to ignore her need to move at times? Give examples and thought to how she’s tried to figure out ways to overcome her weaknesses. 


~| Bio |~ 
How exactly did her parents die? Who were these people who found her? Why would they bother taking care of her? How did they know what her parents did? How exactly did she survive when her parents didn’t?


What’s a secretary system? 


The general mindset of a criminal on Nar Shaddaa is “not nice”. The vast majority are self-serving, miserable beings. Trustworthy strangers are about as common as Jedi Knights and masters are on Dromund Kaas, the capital world of the Sith Empire. When it comes to those who are trustworthy on that moon, the best source is from within whatever criminal gang you belong to (if you belong to one), or from your family. 


Also, slicing isn’t something that can be learned merely from observation. And How exactly did she earn that woman’s trust? Provide reasons. Criminals again, aren’t the trusting type because their lives often are always in danger from others. 


Trained Jedi can sense high levels of the Force in individuals. The presence of Force-sensitives in a vicinity can also be sensed. On rare occasion, such Force-sensitivity can be detected emanating from a powerful "vergence in the Force". If, however, one who is powerfully Force-sensitive wills it, even subconsciously, they (or perhaps even the Force itself) can hide or "shroud" themselves from detection in the Force.


Because of the lack of precision with those who do not have such high levels, tests are employed both to determine whether a candidate truly is Force-sensitive. Force-sensitives were considered to have an unusual amount of luck, lucky guesses, and correct decisions. Tests of these traits are part of the verification process. Most untrained Force-sensitives still had raw Force associated talents, such as improved reaction time, physical strength, an affinity to animals, weather or certain other aspects of the Force. 




Another thing to note is that criminals do know what Jedi are. They also know what Sith are. They might not know (or care) much about the difference between the two, but both are easily recognized and a young thief will be told all about such in order to avoid them both. Few gangs want to attract the attention of either faction. 


This far out into the war, the Jedi have generally stopped asking if someone’s interested. They need every candidate they can get, so they do not offer. They instruct. Especially so when it comes to obvious criminals. In their minds, they save such criminals from a bad life. Conscription, some might call it.


She has (to her memory) never been in space, let alone on another world. How did she take going into space? Which jedi training institution was she taken to?




~| Calmness in captivity |~
How exactly does she scout from inside a locked cell, inside a locked structure?
How does she help others escape?


~| Holding out, pain threshold |~
Your bio does not speak of any times she was thoroughly beaten. That others might get beaten up, cut, shot or killed on Nar Shaddaa is quite plausible, but others being victims of such does not give Talon any extra resistance against such. 
Why does she consider Nar Shaddaa home, when she’s spent at least half her life in the Jedi Order?


~| Lightsaber combat |~
Height a problem, think you? Mastered all forms, Yoda did. Think again, you should. 


~| Prisoner/Sith encounters |~
Fill out this part now, you should.


~| Power in the Force |~
Not all Jedi are constantly calm. There are species and individuals who naturally hold to a higher pace than the stereotypical Jedi master. 
The prisoners are not prevented from practicing or exercising within their cells. At least not until a Sith decides to prevent it in the IC. As such, skills will not need to deteriorate in captivity. In fact, the Sith don’t desire to weaken the Jedi. In their eyes, the jedi are already weakened and need to be made stronger, more willing to use the full power of the Force.


~| ST/R encounters |~
Some of the ST/R may have been among Talon’s instructors, especially R, who do not all come from the front lines.
It would not be unlikely, for example, that Gar Halcorr, the grumpy jedi master in charge of rescuers, encountered her.


~| Flaws |~
She hasn’t lived on nar Shaddaa for years. How is it she is still in constant danger from that? Coming to peace with his or her past is one of the early steps of jedi training, for without that, it will be nigh impossible for them to become true Jedi.
Lying is a flaw that the jedi will discourage, but it is not one that will necessarily be eradicated completely. 
Other than the lack of calm and her tendency towards taking things that do not strictly belong to her, what flaws exactly affect her while imprisoned? 
Don’t forget that messing with the wrong sith will first get her harmed and soon enough end in her either being maimed or killed. Unless of course, the Sith abuse that tendency once they discover it. 


How good is she at keeping to the Jedi Code? 
Are there any other flaws that might affect her, directly or indirectly?
Does she have any friends among the other prisoners? Are any of the other prisoners likely to become friends?


~| Torture resistance |~
The phrasing of this section is a bit muddled and confusing to read. She is meant to be average in resisting torture?
Which form of torture would affect her the most: Physical, mental, emotional or other forms?


~| Personality/motivation |~
There is very little about her personality here. 
Is she brave? Cowardly? Kind? Cruel? Thoughtful? Impatient? Loyal? Treacherous? Smart? Dumb? Honest?


How she goes about lying has very little to do with her personality or motivation. Why she might lie can be relevant to the latter, but not to the former.


Why does helping others motivate her? 


If it helps, pick out 3-5 traits then describe them and how they affect her actions/relationships toward others and things around her. 


~| Limits |~
Ok


~| Escape potential |~
What Supply chain? Supplies are sent directly by transport shuttles that land upon the landing pad at the center of the compound or wherever else is deemed convenient at the time. That area is also heavily guarded even if you do not count the anti-air defenses, which are actually ridiculous in number.


Anyways, you don’t want her to escape early on, but maybe later. That bit is fine.


~| Ease of capture |~
ok


~| In the future |~
Ok


~| Lingual structure and Grammar |~
There are numerous places where this is mixed up. Many where you clearly meant to put another word. Reading over each section and fixing that will take care of much of that. Some sentences don’t fully make sense, but that should also be uncovered in that process.
One thing is sure, this sheet could’ve been a lot worse. 


[/hider]
[hider=cqbexpt]


[b]Grammar:[/b]
There are numerous errors in both spelling, grammar and word choice.


You’ve got a bio that seemingly switches between first and third person. As the bio question is first person, the bio should also be in that same format.


You frequently use the word “tmy”, which does not exist in the english language. Whether you mean “my”, “to my”, “the”, or various other things is at best hard to figure out. 


In other places, you’ve made two words one or one word two when it should be the other way around. For example, you’ve in at least one place put “atleast” which clearly should be “at least”. In another you’ve got “womprat”, which can only be the animal species “womp rat”.


Later on, you’ve got “viles of knockout serum”. We presume you mean “vials” here, though we question the benefit of bringing such. Unless the dosages are of such quantities as to be guaranteed to knock a wampa out cold, you will at best slow down a Sith or a dark Jedi. You really need crazy amounts to make a Jedi or Sith unconscious for any length of time. 


There are also other places where words like “to” are missing.


[quote]Vebra is a tool of war. He will do what he is tasked to do, if killing Darth Nysiss is still his mission than that is what he will be doing.[/quote]
Firstly, its Nyiss. Secondly, why is the mission of killing her being compared to what he will be doing? “than” is a word used for comparisons. 
[quote=internet]When comparing one thing with another you may find that one is more appealing “than” another. “Than” is the word you want when doing comparisons. But if you are talking about time, choose “then“: “First you separate the eggs; then you beat the whites.” Alexis is smarter than I, not “then I.”[/quote]


In general, for text like this, numbers are written down as words rather than digits when inside most regular sentences. Which looks right to you? “He had 2 eyes” or “He had two eyes”


[b]Lore & content:[/b]


Firstly, when it comes to combating Sith… Unless he happens to be fighting on Korriban, Dromund Kaas or the bastion of some powerful Sith Lord or Darth, he is highly unlikely to ever face any Sith acolytes. They rarely leave the Sith Academies until they become full apprentices. Those that do leave, are either in company of their master (who in such cases is either a Sith Lord or a Darth), or upon worlds deep inside the Empire, quite distant from the front lines.


What is this “Beshkab” you speak of? We cannot recall seeing that term anywhere outside your character sheet.


Jayda isn’t an only child. She has two siblings, twins, who are three years older than her. Not much is said about them in your sheet. Also, she is his niece, not his nephew. Last we checked, she was female.


[quote]While I’m not much of a bomb maker I can atleast cook you up something to take down a power plant or a local defense grid.[/quote]
Since he is not much of a bomb maker, we presume this is more related to his knowing where to plant explosives for optimal efficiency rather than how to make them. Perhaps some basic knowledge of some things that can be put together to make things go boom. Anything else, and he would be a bomb maker, would he not?


When he reaches the age of twelve, it might be worth mentioning how he failed the trials to rise to the rank of Padawan. This would include how he felt about that. Why he failed is also worth thinking about (too weak is a fact, not the sole reason for failure). After the failure, he would have been offered the option to either join one of the Service Corps, or to leave the Order completely. The trials are what decide whether someone is suitable for advancement, not merely a decision by someone more powerful.


In the section where killing a Sith Lord is mentioned. How did this come to pass? Few, if any, Sith Lords would stay on the defensive all the time. Unless they had him pinned with multiple shielded gun emplacements or massive troop numbers focused on the Sith Lord alone (a [i]very[/i] unlikely thing), the sith lord would’ve gone on the offense fairly quickly. When Sith Lords to enter the battlefield, they rarely do so alone. What happened to the imperial troops? The apprentices he would most likely have brought?


This padawan he had a bit of a fling with… How did he meet her? What made them attracted to each other? Was she human? Zabrak? Gamorrean?


Where did they meet? Was their fling just a few nights or a longer period? Why would she be attracted to someone who did not have what it took to stay in the Order?


[b]Death:[/b]
A Guarantee that he will never, ever die cannot be granted. We will of course respect your wishes and not set things up so that he most likely will die, but as someone who doesn’t use the Force among many who do and who do not agree with each other, he is naturally more vulnerable than the others. 


Sure, we can probably find some way to grant him effective immortality through being captured by Nyiss or another Sith alchemist and have him turned into a Sithspawn with no physical aging, but we’re pretty sure that is not quite what you had in mind. 


The long and short of it is - death is always a possibility.


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