[@bright_ops][@Gowi][@Dblade26][@Luna][@Sep][@cqbexpt][@heat]
[hider=Melchior]
[h2] Technical data [/h2]
Whom does Melchior currently serve? 


[h3] You are a Sith, but not every sith looks the same. Describe what you look like. [/h3]
Did you find a picture? Or did you plan to go with a textual description only? (we forget whether you found one)


We assume the reference to Force Sight here is a low level one, simply using it to augment his natural sight (with things like being able to understand writing that is otherwise blurred because the Force tells him its meaning). This low level application would make sense not being listed in the powers section. If you intended him to have more of the unique attributes of Force Sight though, I’d expect it in the powers section...


The choice of wearing optical devices is naturally voluntary.
Otherwise, fairly good.
Hair or eye color, even normal wear type? Currently, there’s only his height and built that is mostly described which doesn’t give people a whole lot to work with when they go to form their own opinion of your PC. 


[h3] A Sith knows the ways of the Force. How do you prefer to use it? [/h3]
How good is he with these Force powers?
Crucitorn is not a power that is used upon others, it is used inwardly to change one’s own perceptions.
From where is he learning Sith alchemy? A holocron or another Sith? 


Considering his natural aptitude for medical stuff, why was he not initiated into the arts of Sith Alchemy earlier?


[h3] All obstacles have to be removed or overcome, so what skills do you possess to aid you? [/h3]
Some more elaboration on other skills would be nice. It’s a nice start so far. 
Does he have any hobbies/interests unrelated to “medical” fields?


[h3] Everyone has a past. What brought you here and what challenges did you have overcome to reach your current situation? [/h3]
So the empire found his home system two years into the war. Was it a spoil of war? Or was it outside both republic and empire?


It might not be ill-advised to note that being trained as a Sith was not a choice. Imperial law dictates that all Force-sensitives must be trained as Sith. 


As he was in his teens, he was old enough to have true feelings on the matter. How did he feel about this turn of events?


It might make sense for Nyiss to have requested him as apprentice simply for his aptitude with medical and alchemical arts. Being her apprentice does not mean much direct training or even contact though.


Were there any parts of his training that failed? What sufferings did his instructors heap upon him?


It doesn’t state clearly he went to the academy (we’re assuming that based on the rest of the bio) or what conflicts he had to deal with and overcome during his training. The sith, as stated in the guide, start off purely learning and engaging in activities with low level danger. However as they progress that grows while rivalry and even conflict is encouraged, especially those favored by the overseers. In addition, they would’ve try to strengthen his weaknesses to a point or make him suffer for them to a point so how did he deal with those events? Also, it’s unlikely the academy would’ve sent him to Nyiss unless she asked for him specifically, but rather just showed him the door and let him do as he pleased.   


[h3] We all learn about lightsaber combat, so what form(s) and skills in fighting have you found reasonable to learn? [/h3]
How skilled is he with the lightsaber and the forms? Does he practice something close to “pure” Makashi, or does he use a mix of multiple forms?


[h3] How do you relate to the other characters and how do you see them? [/h3]
“Republicans” is an earth term, in particular USA. “Citizens of the galactic republic” or such is more appropriate. Or simply use “the republic”.
Aside from that, this section isn’t half-bad.


With peers in the Empire, keep in mind that rivalry and competition was highly encouraged and even accepted. In addition, Sith were considered pretty much superstars or highly valued that with normal civilians, they could nearly get whatever they wanted by merely pulling rank. While it’s possible he could consider polite, some might actually take advantage of this behavior to pull in above him or make him look weak. Some might just put a target on him mainly because he’s got some power and push him underneath them. 


[h2] Out of Character [/h2]
[h3] How powerful is (s)he in the Force? [/h3]
Good enough.


[h3] Has your character encountered members of the other factions before? [/h3]
In other words, he has not encountered any of them yet, but he’s looking forward to it? 


That sounds a bit off, especially since the Sith and Jedi were locked in a 28 year war. While he might’ve not been on the frontlines, the odds of not at last briefly encountering a Jedi or so is very slim when he’s patching up those Empire troopers coming from the frontlines. One thing to consider is that the closer you are to the frontlines, the more dangerous and likely that the war will directly affect your PC. People directly in the fighting risk harm and death, those on the sideline risk their position being over run or capture by their enemy, and those farthest often risk reputation and resources to the aftermath. Each affecting the individual, but at different levels and fashions. With his medical ability, I would say the middle one would be the most likely.  


[h3] What is your character’s personality like? What motivates him/her? [/h3]
Does such pain and suffering encourage him? Or is he utterly oblivious? 


If he should be the victim of such himself, how would he take it?


All sith are of the highest class in imperial society. Is he among the highest tier of society among sith (of his rank)


[h3] Nobody with any sort of wisdom wants to speak of their flaws. Especially not to their enemies, so what are your character’s flaws? [/h3]
More flaws. We like those. Surely combat isn’t his only flaw now, is it?


[h3] Sith tend to be loners who don’t seek to interact with other Sith except when it is business. What will cause your character to initiate interactions with the other Sith? [/h3]
This section is fine.


[h3] Do you have any limits as to what is “ok” to happen to your character? [/h3]
This section is fine.


[h3] How would your character go about trying to turn Jedi? [/h3]
This section is fine.


[h3] The Jedi can take prisoners too. Is your character eligible for captivity? [/h3]
This section is fine.


[h3] What ideas would you like to try or accomplish with your PC in the IC?[/h3]
This section is fine.


[/hider]




[hider=Talija]
Sheet does not quite look finished yet, but we’ll review it anyways, so that you can aim future work.


[h3]Technical data[/h3]
This section is fine.


[h2]Concerning you[/h2]
[h3]Flaws[/h3]
Why does she take up the burdens of others? What makes her feel it is her responsibility?


[h3]Skills[/h3]
At sixteen years of age, having any real skill in more than one form is pretty rare. Basic knowledge about other forms and a rough idea about how to counter them is perfectly fine, though. “Skilled” implies having spent considerable time studying a form.


Are there any skills other than lightsaber, investigation/study, piloting and navigation she possesses? They need not be altogether “useful”.


[h2]Out of Character[/h2]
[h3]Force mastery[/h3]
How much “potential” does she possess in the Force? Are there any of the core skills she has more innate aptitude for? Any skills she is clearly not good at?


[h3]More Flaws[/h3]
Yes. We want more. These would probably be ones she is unaware of herself.


[h3]Appearance[/h3]
Do you have any picture(s)? (not gonna demand that)
Without a picture, some more of an idea of what her attire looks like would be helpful. What are the Sephi influences upon otherwise typical Jedi robes?


[h3]Personality [/h3]
She is ideologically very much a Jedi. Does she know much about the true differences between Sith and Jedi? 


[h3]History [/h3]
What sort of signs were there of her force sensitivity? Anything that stood out?
How close was the war to her homeworld?


That battle with a Sith. Was she herself injured by it? Be it physically or emotionally? Did she get hurt in battles preceding or following this?


How long prior to the sacking were her trials of Knighthood?




All in all, this looks like a good start for a sheet.
[/hider]
[hider=Khan Sainen]
[h3]Appearance [/h3]
It wouldn’t hurt to break this up into two-three paragraphs. 


[h3]Use of the Force[/h3]
While the skills are presented, spotting individual skills takes a bit of extra time. You specify that he’s primarily training in skills that affect him personally. How much training does he have in other uses of the force, like telekinesis, mind tricks, etc.?


What can he do with his talent for using the Force upon animals? Is he better at dealing with carnivores/herbivores, birds/lizards, large/small beasts or anything like that, or is it universal for most animals? Why did his master start teaching him crucitorn? It’s a rather specialized skill, not one typically taught to all jedi.


[h3]Other skills[/h3]
Again, break it up into paragraphs, please. Currently, it’s all bundled together, making it somewhat difficult to spot individual skills. Having that easier will be useful for others later in the IC. You don’t need much more elaboration on the existing skills, though. They’re pretty well-defined. You could split them up into types of skills. Those related to combat probably won’t naturally be grouped with things like cooking or piloting, just as social skills probably won’t be with meditation. Just some ideas, mind you. 


[h3] History[/h3]
The bio is especially prone to paragraphs with a bit excessive length, which makes it more difficult to read. That in turn makes it harder to pick out individual moments of relevance. A paragraph tends on average to have 3-5 sentences, but that can flex based on the sentence lengths. Shorter sentences tends to mean more per paragraph (and visa versa), but it's not a universal rule. The guild tends to have longer lines than a typical book would, so a paragraph that ends up at above eight lines can be tough to read.




Echani have such a nice and direct way to learn about others… How did he feel about being conscripted into the Jedi Order? Did his mother approve? At some point, Padawans are allowed to go back and reconnected-through few ever do because it’s discouraged- so with that in mind, did he ever want to? And if he didn’t, why?  


It would not be unlikely for him to be grouped with other echani younglings/initiates. Or at least with those from other cultures of somewhat martial natures. At least one of his instructors as an initiate would probably be echani, simply because they would understand him best. They Jedi Order is actually fairly practical like that. Then they would start to branch off to introducing different races, like starting with some that were less like them (Zabraks communicate through body language for example, but also depend on scents and words a bit more than Echani) and steadily increasing the exposure to include more and more species. Khan could’ve had trouble with the adjustments which could still lead to his alienated feelings and create a whole emotional experience for him not to easily succeed over something he was tasked with.   


How recently did he become Denso’s apprentice? How did his initiate trials go? Which of them was he most worried about and why? 


[h3] calmness in captivity[/h3]
Jedi also teach moving meditation. Through the two forms might clash with Echani having little issue with aggressive, and attacking movements compared to the Jedi’s likely slower, and more controlled movements. Fallen: I often think of Tai-chi when it comes to Jedi’s style of moving meditation because that form fits well with their beliefs and comes off as peaceful and in control compared to others. 


[h3] Resistance[/h3]
This section is ok.


[h3] Lightsaber[/h3]
This section looks ok, but the last paragraph feels rather large and chunky. We’d recommend you break it down into two paragraphs or so for easier reading. 


[h3] prisoner/sith encounters[/h3]
It would be nice if you could fill something in here, even if it is that he’s not met any of the other PCs prior to the day of the sacking. Other than Denso, that is.


[h3]Force potential [/h3]
Ok.


[h3]Strike team/rescuers[/h3]
There is no requirement for having met any, but if you haven’t met any of them, you could always add a bit about how you think he’ll react to meeting a couple of them. For example, the Rescuer leader, Gar Halcorr, has probably had a lot to do with various initiates and younglings over the years, and he does tend to leave an impression.


[h3]Flaws[/h3]
More flaws, please. We find them delectable and we are hungry


He can have difficulty in learning things outside combat, his attention is hard to retain over a topic he finds boring, etc. Maybe he’s a mischievous or likes to fight his fellow Jedi when he’s feeling upset, mainly to work out the emotions and does it without warning against the one he disagrees with or a friend. Show a bit of the child within him despite his maturity as it’s possible many of those habits haven’t fully left him yet. That’s why he’s assigned to Denso after all. 


[h3]Torture resistance[/h3]
This section is ok.


[h3] Limits[/h3]
Ok.


[h3]Escape.[/h3]
Ok.


[h3]Capture[/h3]
Ok.


[h3] Future[/h3]
Ok.


[/hider]
[hider=Cerria]


Good enough for now. There’s always room for improvement, but your sheet now is quite probably the best sheet you’ve written yet. Approved. You can go ahead and put her on the CS tab.
[/hider]
[hider=Koren]
It still feels like you’ve got it written as if he wasn’t aware of his work at rebuilding his lightsaber. Though he might not be aware of the why of the work, he is aware of exactly what he is doing in this process. At best, it might be that he is only inspired to make the sabers capable of interlocking towards the end of the crafting. As he is an artisan, it would make sense to cover the process of going through inspired artisanry in some detail. How he thinks during such. What stimuli he tunes out, what he needs/wants, etc.


Hmm… Would he use inspirational music for this? Or does he prefer silence? Is it an art practiced in solitude, or something he’d do in a communal workshop?


Could you add a couple of line breaks between the sections below relations? Right now they’re pretty bunched-together.


[/hider]
[hider=Vebra]
[h3] Technical data[/h3]
Could you fix bolding in this section? Right now, everything is bolded, which makes it less easy to look at.


“Beskab” We presume you mean “Beskad” as in the Mandalorian blade?


Why are the vials limited to 5m in range? Does it shoot a vial? A needle? A spray of gas? Something else?


As Jedi/sith are very difficult to knock out, the serum is presumably stronger than it would be for a “mundane”, what would happen if he hits one of those instead? Oh and how would they affect him if he somehow got hit with it instead of an enemy?


There’s still a few spelling errors, but its far better than it was before. 


[quote]As he went for his pistol I grabbed his helmet and smashed his head with it. As the dazed soldier tried to regain his bearings Vebra kept hitting him.[/quote]
Here’s an instance where you forgot to change from third to first person.


This fling of his with a padawan… Did he ever meet her again? If so, how did that turn out and how does that affect him now? 




All in all, your sheet has shown vast improvements from last time. 


[/hider]
[hider=Daven Auter]
[h3]Appearance [/h3]
Lightsaber image is dysfunctional.


[h3] Force[/h3]
How powerful is he with the various powers? What sort of techniques does he favor?


[h3] skills[/h3]
Could you add a little more detail on his various skill branches?
What is he good/bad at with Sith politics? 


Who robbed the sith? Or maybe he was robbed?


Why did Jewel pick him as her apprentice?


Racism is not all that common in the Empire. Speciesism is practiced by many, far from all, but definitely in the Academy.


How does his master feel about his neglect of non-combat things?
[/hider]