[@Rtron][@Vesuvius00][@Heat][@PhoenixWhite]
[hider=Sish]
Technically, there’s no single favored method Sith use to kill other Sith. Poison is a useful tool, but only one of many.


Wookiees is spelled with a double O and a double E. Rather strange, but then, they planet is spelled with a triple Y, so…


You sure you want those teeth to be steel? Steel corrodes. A rusty mouth is probably not very comfortable. Suggestion: Have the teeth be Alchemised metal that has been modified to be both more durable and nigh-indestructible (under conditions that don’t break the rest of the mouth, mind you).


Powerbase → power base


The paragraph with the mention about other apprentices seems… misplaced… the two just above and below it seem to belong together.


That reference in relations to another apprentice… Who is that? We do not have any female echani apprentices on our lists. We think you might’ve forgotten to edit that part since Asura left the rp. 


All in all, this is the sort of Sish sheet we expected from you. A consistent sheet with just need to pick at a few points for clarification. Nice work.


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[hider=Astera]
I hate to say this, but this Sheet simply does not meet the exacting standards required for a Jedi Master. Submitted a Jedi Knight, it would likely suffice, but Astera is not currently worthy of the title of Jedi Master.


Firstly, she has no feats of note to her name. She has not won any battles, defeated any notable Sith, uncovered any mysteries of the Force, solved any particularly difficult missions, trained from any notable holocrons or demonstrated any great wisdom relating to difficult events. This is not an exhaustive list of possible feats she could’ve performed. Be imaginative. What events and actions made her stand out? This goes for being a Sage as well as being a Master. This point relates to acceptance in general and being a master, the following ones relate to being a master only and need not be changed if you choose to drop down to a Knight.


Secondly, simply training a padawan (or several) to knighthood is not sufficient to become a master. You cannot become a master without doing so, but you must do more than simply this. Her specific training methods currently demonstrates reasons why she should [i]not[/i] be a master. The initial failure is fine, but her reaction to it by coddling her next apprentice would’ve been noted by the Councils. This is most certainly not in her favor as it demonstrates quite clearly that she is being ruled by her emotions, and instead of truly learning from her mistake, over-compensating into a new mistake.


Thirdly, throughout her sheet she shows that she continues to be overwhelmed by her empathy. She believes she is in control but she is not. A Jedi Master must be in control of their emotions, and this empathy is included in that.


Finally, we know nothing about a full twenty years of her life. This time period is most likely the one in which she would’ve been learning and demonstrating the high level abilities she has, gaining her title as a Sage, and showing the qualities needed to earn the rank of Master. As it reads, we know how she was when she was 26, but must then assume she did not change for the following twenty years.


In addition, the very concept of the rescue operation, with the peace treaty in mind, is not something the Jedi Order or the Republic can formally approve of. The presence of a single Jedi master in it will be hard enough for republic/jedi diplomats to explain to the Sith Empire. If they are confronted with the fact that there’s not just one, but two jedi masters specifically sent out after the treaty was signed as well as the Jedi Master in charge of the Strike team, it would put the Treaty of Coruscant in a very bad light. As such, this needs to be an absolutely stellar example of a Jedi Master to allow us to look past that fact. You are welcome to attempt to bring her to this standard, but if the standard is not met we will expect Astera to drop down to a Knight.


[hr]


[b]Grammar.[/b] There are numerous instances where you seemed to have forgotten to proofread. After you make edits to take the above into account, we expect you to go through the sheet a full time once more just to comb for these. Everyone makes mistakes (We GMs trawl the other GM sheets for such.) 


As a helpful hint, we’ll mention that  the zelosian homeworld is spelled “Zelos II”. 


[hr]


[b]Species.[/b]
Just like Echo likes Miraluka and Fallen likes Zabrak, Ellri like Zelosians. As such, standards for anyone using any of these species will be harsh. The species are (of course) not auto-denied, but sheets have to be good with them. For Zelosians in particular, the official lore is somewhat lacking. This means that anyone using the species has to know how to expand lore and to do it in a plausible manner.  


Firstly. [b]Skin color and tone.[/b] The base color of Chlorophyll is green. As such, a being with that in its veins will not have a red-flushed skin tone. Zelosians do not stand out overmuch from mammalian species, so their chlorophyll-based blood is probably not the most intense green color. Even so, the skin might, especially where veins are near the surface, have a faint greenish tinge to it. 


Secondly. [b]Hair.[/b] As a plant-based species, their hair will probably reflect this. “Natural” hues will be more likely. Various shades of brown are not to be found unexpected. A vivid shade of red would be quite unusual, just as such is quite unusual on earthly plants. In a fashion, hair plausibly serves some of the same purpose as foliage would on a tree or a bush.


Thirdly. [b]Sunlight, nutrients and water.[/b] As a plant, all of these will be important. The primary purpose of Chlorophyll in plants is in being an essential element for photosynthesis. While Zelosians presumably use it for other purposes as well, they will most likely use photosynthesis just as much as they use food.  Water is also important, as like humans, they’re probably mostly water inside. If there’s enough sunlight and water around, a Zelosian can presumably go without food for far longer than any non-plant species can. 


Fourthly. [b]Known traits.[/b] Zelosians are night-blind. As Echo will cover later (and can explain in detail to you) Force Sight isn’t like regular sight. Even with training and focus in that, the night blindness [u]will[/u] affect her.
Their reaction to sugar is another known flaw to this species. Even if she is taught all about the dangers of sugar, the odds of her not getting drunk on sugar (intentionally or not) in a 46-year long life are not particularly good. 


Finally. [b]Lore expansion.[/b] The above four sections are only a few examples of how this species’ lore can be expanded. We fully expect you to go beyond the short sections above and to build it all into both her bio and the rest of her sheets. Flaws rooted in the species belong in the flaws section just as much as character flaws do. We look forward to see a second attempt at doing the Zelosian species justice. For example, getting a lot of sunlight could make her skin more green, as her body might produce more chlorophyll to better utilize the sunlight. Their version of a tan, so to speak.


[hr]


[b]Force Powers:[/b]
Force Sight is not a power that functions in such a binary way as currently listed. If you wish to have Force Sight at more than the basic level, it must be portrayed properly. We suggest you contact Echo and discuss at length with him how it works at these higher levels if you still wish to make use of it.


[hr]


Finally, if there’s anything you want to ask about or happen to be uncertain on whether would be appropriate, don’t hesitate to ask any of the GMs. If one can’t answer properly, he (or she) will send your question on to the right one. 




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[hider=Denso]
You have not yet answered all the comments in the previous review.


Why was he trained in Crucitorn? What led to this training? How good is he at it? Is his skill theoretical or does he have any prior experience in using it? Because of its value in a setting like Aftermath, we expect good reasoning for the presence of this skill upon someone’s sheet. We see it is explained a little down in the pain threshold question. It would be appreciated if it was covered where the power is first mentioned too.


[b]Jar’Kai still isn’t a lightsaber form[/b]. It is still merely an adjustment to the seven standard forms to make use of multiple lightsabers. In most cases, we think a user would first learn to wield the saber with their primary hand, then their offhand, and only after they had decent skill at that would they be taught to wield two blades. In cases of species with more than two arms, this would probably be extended even further to account for any additional arms.


You still have an instance of this “psychomentry”. Discard that N. It doesn’t belong there.


We would presume that the number of battles they took part in would be “countless” or “innumerable” not several. 
 
With the death of his master, he would probably not immediately have been put through the trials. In particular because of the significance of such a loss to a Jedi Padawan. They might assign him to another master to both see that he is ready and to help him deal with the loss. Masters assigned in cases like these are most typically among the most experienced available. Alternatively they may have kept him in a temple for observation for a little while to see how he coped with the loss.


To put an offer on the table to solve this, we’ll put forward Gar Halcorr as a candidate for this, simply because he’s trained a number of padawans to knighthood, and he’s very experienced. He’s also not really connected to all that many characters yet. 


If he’s afraid of using psychometry on corpses, could you provide an example of why he’s afraid (in the bio, for example)? 


We dislike the specific reference to PTSD, as that is an earth term and rather breaks with the setting. Could you phrase it so that the specific acronym isn’t used or just refer to it as personal trauma?


Physical torture is but one element of how the Sith go about torturing prisoners. How would he handle other forms?


What sort of torture do you think would affect him the most?




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[hider=Ashmir]
Feel free to complete the edit in technical data about removing “master” and putting in “commander”. 


Drones - How many does she have of these? Is she able to make more or simply repair them because keep in mind while on planet, supplies can be limited. And you won’t have a ship coming in to transport supplies for her drones only every day or even week, so she’s going to have to likely have some skill in drone building even if it’s shoddy or not as good as others. This might also allow her to branch off to minor repair of other things too to a point. 


Stealth Field Generator - in aftermath, the sort of stealth field generators available are… large and clunky. They can be moved between locations, but that requires a huge repulsor sled or similar cargo transport. Oh, and they are very power-hungry. You need a powerful generator simply to keep it operational. The strike team has one large stealth field generator for their encampment that they can power up, but they can’t keep it running all the time due to the power drain.


However, to provide a similar advantage, we’d suggest significant skill in camouflage, maybe even expertise. On a planet like Feena, spotting someone in the jungle with the Force alone would require being able to carefully filter away all other lifesigns, of which there are… [i]many[/i].


Traditional camouflage in Star Wars does not only mean paints and camo netting. It could easily include convenient pieces of technology to make it all even more believable to those not meant to see through it. Technology could include things like stuff to conceal heat signatures, jam certain sensors, etc. You probably get the idea.
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