[quote=@BladeSS4][color=red][b]Review will be in red.[/b][/color] [hider=Farren Uchiha Yanmaka] [center][h1]Farren Uchiha Yanmaka [/h1] [color=red][b]Farren doesn't sound very Japanese, and you also misspelled Yamanaka[/b][/color][/center] [img]https://i.gyazo.com/6e2e8fe55ece5d9c9310f6ec87111236.png[/img] [color=red][b]Suggest you find a different image - these are used often and are not very detailed. Unless you want your character to look like it was made in MS paint..?[/b][/color] [h3]Personalia[/h3] [sub]Information collected by the census office of Konohagakure[/sub] | Ｂｉｒｔｈｎａｍｅ: Leaf Village: Yamankanka-Uchiha Farren [color=red][b]His name is leaf village: Yamankanka (interesting spelling) Uchiha Farren?[/b][/color] | Ｎｉｃｋｎａｍｅｓ: Like to earn in RP [color=red][b]Good, that makes them more valuable. I like this.[/b][/color] | Ａｌｉａｓ: N/A | Ｓｅｘ: Male | Ａｇｅ: 15 | Ｂｉｒｔｈｐｌａｃｅ: : : Hidden Leaf Village Uchiha Compound [color=red][b]Fair enough[/b][/color] | Ｂｌｏｏｄｌｉｎｅ: Uchiha | Ｒａｎｋ: | Geninn [color=red][b]Genin. Watch your spelling.[/b][/color] [h3]Psychology & History[/h3] [sub]From detailed inspection and investigation by ANBU and medical personnel[/sub] [hider=Personal Biography]Ｐｅｒｓｏｎａｌ ｂｉｏｇｒａｐｈｙ: Farren's story starts before he was born on how he was conceived. His mother Akane Uchiha was out on a long mission for the great ninja war His father, Daichi Yamanaka and mother were comrades they got separate from their squads while on a covert mission to watch the Cloud village from a far. During the mission one thing led to another when they should not have and Farren was conceived right before the mission was called off and they had to return to the village, [color=red][b]That's pretty comical, but your punctuation is lacking. I get the impression you're writing from a phone?[/b][/color] Farren was born before the great ninja war began, his father was found dead three days after his birth. It was ruled 'natural' causes the official death stamp says Daichi died of a heart attack. Many suspect he was murdered by either someone from his own clan or the Uchiha clan. The main suspect was Drax Uchiha Akane's husband before she went out to on that long mission. A man she already had another son with who was ten years older than Farren. [color=red][b]Again, 'Drax' doesn't sound very Japanese, but besides that, punctuation.[/b][/color] It was obvious who Farren's father was as Farren was born with Yanmaka [color=red][b]Again, interesting spelling.[/b][/color] white blond hair. Drax reluctantly raised him with his Akane. Farren grew up within the Uchiha Compound. Due to his mixed bloodline a few radical factions tried to assassinate him three times. Each time stopped by his big brother Gorou. His older half-brother didn't care that Farren had a different father, he treated Farren as an older brother [color=red][b]So Gorou treated Farren like an older brother despite being 10 years older?[/b][/color] unlike Gorou's father he had no hatred whats so ever. Gorrou was a very talented ninja and graduated fast. When Farren was two, Gorrou became a geninn, it was the first attempt on his life. A group of Yamakaka [color=red][b]I feel like you're purposefully trying to come up with as many creative spellings of this name as you can hahahaha[/b][/color] radicals Gorou stopped with a massive fireball jutsu. The second attempt happened when Farren was six and started up in the ninja academy. Gorou made it to an AMBU squad. This second attempt was a pure Uchiha radical group. Farren was coming home from school when they tried to attack. They met up with Gorou's gaze of his sharingan. Gorou placed them under genjutsu in the form of Tsukuyomi. [color=red][b]He was only 14 but already learned tsukuyomi? Unlikely.[/b][/color] A threat Gorou made to permanently break their minds if they ever try to harm his brother again deterred them from this attempt. The third and last attempt happened right before the great ninja war. Farren was turning twelve close to geninn proper age. The third attempt was by a single lone assassin in the form of Drax his own step father [color=red][b]Drax his step father? Or Drax, his step father? Punctuation is important[/b][/color]. As Farren slept Drax attempt to murder him. Gorou stopped his own father he crushed his father's arm and leg with a newly awakened Susanoo ability. He nearly killed his father for trying to harm his brother. The arm and leg were a message to anyone else who would try to harm his brother he would stop anyone and everyone. Gorou was sent out to the war. During the second year Gorou was killed. His body was returned it was mutilated. His eyes had been removed and are still missing. It was thought that someone stole the eyes after they killed Gorou in battle. [color=red][b]Obviously anyone would take some free sharingan.[/b][/color] His body was heavily charred, so what killed him is a mystery but there are visible stab wounds on his back more fatal strikes then there are on his front. There were and are rumors someone stabbed him from behind and killed him. 　 Farren had failed the Genin test multiple times, he wanted to pass it when his brother returned but when his brother returned dead. It sent him into despair. Farren skipped a lot of academy classes which prolonged him graduating longer. Over time and a bit of investigating Farren wanted to know what really happened. Farren is close to graduating and becoming a Genin. The radical groups seem to fear that Farren might be as strong as Gorou was even though the truth is the complete opposite he isn't anywhere near as strong or as skilled in fact he is weak just acts strong convincingly. [hider=history spoilers]'''What actually happened secret spoilers to Farren's brother''' Gorou during a mission within the great ninja war. Gorou in a squad of Uchiha were sent out to investigate camp. When they got to the camp, everyone was dead. Gorou was in a squad of four, five if they including him. They checked the corpses, they were all ridged with paper bombs and they had exploded. All four other members of the squad were killed by the trapped. Gorou survived by activating his eyes and surrounding himself with his Susanoo. He found himself surrounded by leaf ninja. Radicals and his father Drax. A radical faction of the leaf lead by Drax, a group deicated to keep the clans of the leaf 'pure'. Drax gave his son a choice join them or die. His son was strong and would have made a perfect member to increase the factions power. Gorou refused and was attacked. Sixteen men and women attacks Gorou of different clans. Gorou slaughtered them all. Even his father attacked him. Gorou ran his father through with a sword made by his Susanoo. He had thought he killed his father and released power. Gorou's father disappeared and Gorou was stabbed in the back to the heart by his father. His father's eyes one goes white and begins to shut as he sacrificed it with the Izanagi. Drax killed his son then stole his eyes for his own. Drax burned the corpse and put a few more wounds to hide his hand in it. Drax also took the eyes from the rest of the Uchiha that were in Gorou's squad as well. His own son's was for future implantation the others were to sell the story someone wanted to steal the sharingan. Drax looks to grasp power in the leaf village. His ambition just uses the group to his own means. Drax's ultimate plan is to become hokage and leader of the Uchiha clan through power than being born by birthright. He isn't even part of the family that is in charge of the Uchiha he wants to supersede them and grasp the power by any means.[/hider][/hider] - Personality cause of background- Farren is a rather quirky person, and acts like a trouble maker. His up bringing was under strict rules and Farren sort of turned into the rebellious kind of person because of it. Farren does work hard to impress his mother and step father but often is met with his step father's ridicule and negative criticism Farren is keeps to himself most of the time, even though he is a friendly person and likes to talk its just because of how he grew up is majority the reason Farren acts as he does. Farren being born to two clans instead of being 'pure' and being born two one clan he is treated with distrust, and ridicule from most other clans not just the Uchiha and the Yamanaka [color=red][b]You got it right this time[/b][/color] clans. Even his own step father treats him with a lot of distrust and even hatred at times. Due to this Farren often acts out or tries to prove there is nothing wrong with him. Only two people treated him with kindness and respect. His mother and his late half-brother. He tries to live up to what his brother. Farren's ultimate goals is to become a ninja as strong as his older brother and find out what truly happened to him. Farren will often pretend to know things when he doesn't. When it comes down to jutsu he should be able to do but can't. He will pretend how to use a jutsu rather then let people know he doesn't know how. | Ｆａｍｉｌｙ ｂｉｏｇｒａｐｈｙ: Uchiha [color=red][b]You already detailed the backstory in the first bit, I guess.[/b][/color] | Ｆａｍｉｌｙ ｔｉｅｓ: Name- Uchiha Akane Relationship to character| Birth Mother Age: 40 living place: Uchiha Compound profession: Uchiha Mothers council Additional info- Still is alive Name | Yamanaka Daichi Relationship to character: Birth father Age: 41 living place: cemetery [color=red][b]lol[/b][/color] profession: none additional info: decesessed [color=red][b]deceased[/b][/color] - Name |Uchiha Drax Relationship to character: Step father Age: 50 living place: Uchiha Compound profession: Uchiha council, Jounin/Elder council additional info: Has murdered both Farren's half brother and father - Name Uchiha Gorou Age: 23 Relationship with Character- Half Brother living place: cementary [color=red][b]cemetery[/b][/color] profession: was in AMBU Black Ops additional info: Desecced. His mother is Akane and Drax. [color=red][b]deceased[/b][/color] | Ｄｒｅａｍｓ ａｎｄ ｆｅａｒｓ: Both a dream and a fear of finding why his brother was murdered, who done it and get revenge. [center]————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— [h3]Combat Reports[/h3] [/center] Ｆｉｇｈｔｉｎｇ ｓｔｙｌｅ: | Close to mid range combat. Preferable taijutsu and midrange ninjutsu | Ｋｅｋｋｅｉ ｇｅｎｋａｉ － ｂｌｏｏｄｌｉｎｅ ｌｉｍｉｔ: | Sharngan(inactive) [u]Ｄｅｓｃｒｉｐｔｉｏｎ[/u] [u]Ｓｔｒｅｎｇｔｈｓ[/u] Able to see through moderate genjutsu-(depending on the development of the sharingan. Able to copy and predict a ninja's jutsu and techinque that arent bloodline trait based. [color=red][b]Only Kakashi could do this, really.[/b][/color] Able to see chakra and chakra natures Currently inactive with Farren who has yet awaken the most basic sharingan. [u]Ｗｅａｋｎｅｓｓｅｓ[/u] High Charka comsumtion Quite a few blind spots outside the field of vision. For Farren- Doesn't even possess the sharingan yet. | Ｎｉｎｊａ ｔｅｃｈｎｉｑｕｅｓ: | [url=http://naruto.wikia.com/wiki/Shadow_Clone_Technique]Shadow Clone Jutsu[/url] [url=http://naruto.wikia.com/wiki/Eight_Gates]Eight inner Gates[/url] [color=red][b]So, you want to be an Uchiha, Yamanaka, and also have the eight gates? That's too much. I'm already hesitant on the Yamanaka-Uchiha combo but the eight gates is definitely a no from me.[/b][/color] [url=http://naruto.wikia.com/wiki/Shuriken_Shadow_Clone_Technique]Shadow clone shuriken jutsu[/url] | Ｃｕｓｔｏｍ ｔｅｃｈｎｉｑｕｅｓ: | [u]Ｊｕｔｓｕ ｎａｍｅ[/u] Fake Fire ball Jutsu [u]Ｒａｎｋ[/u] D or Lower [u]Ｒａｎｇｅ[/u] Mid-very short [u]Ｄｅｓｃｒｉｐｔｉｏｎ[/u]A little technique Farren uses to throw opponents off-guard. He takes his elixir into his mouth and either spits it at his opponent ate the hand signs or spits it into a open flame to make it actually using fire. [u]Ｊｕｔｓｕ ｎａｍｅ[/u] Mind Transfer Jutsu Fakeout [u]Ｒａｎｋ[/u] D or Lower [u]Ｒａｎｇｅ[/u] very short [u]Ｄｅｓｃｒｉｐｔｉｏｎ[/u]This jutsu is based off of the mind transfer jutsu ability. Instead of actually using the jutsu he just acts like he uses it and acts as if he misses then falls down to his knees. Normally he will wait for his opponents to walk up to him or get closer then he attacks with a solid punch. [color=red][b]Creative, I like it.[/b][/color] [u]Ｊｕｔｓｕ ｎａｍｅ[/u] Fire Bullet/Chakra Bullet Jutsu [u]Ｒａｎｋ[/u] B [u]Ｒａｎｇｅ[/u] Mid to long [u]Ｄｅｓｃｒｉｐｔｉｏｎ[/u] Chakra bullet- Farren's own jutsu he puts both hands to gather in a form of a triangle. Farren then proceeds to channel all his chakra into his hands and to form a ball in the middle of his hands compressing as much chakra as possible. Into a small sphere then firing it out as a fast rate. Fire bullet- Farren adds his nature to the attack to turn it into a fire chakra bullet. The Chakra bullet takes five minutes to fully charge up and has a fifty percent chance at exploding on Farren before release. The Fire bullet has a ninety percent chance of exploding on Farren, five percent chance of turning back into just a plain normal chakra bullet, and a five percent chance of actually working. Ｗｅａｐｏｎｓ: Duel Chakrims [color=red][b]You mean chakram[/b][/color] [u]Ｗｅａｐｏｎ， ｔｏｏｌ， ｏｒ ｏｂｊｅｃｔ ｔｙｐｅ[/u]: Throwing weapon [u]Ｄｅｓｃｒｉｐｔｉｏｎ[/u] Round bladed weapons that are thrown at enemies that can bounce of things, cut and can return like a boomerang. [hider=weapon][img]https://s-media-cache-ak0.pinimg.com/originals/07/80/9d/07809d77d3811318ae2456ed87704fb6.jpg[/img][/hider][/hider] [/quote] [color=red][b]Honestly, I don't think this is worth salvaging. I suggest you start over and try to tone it down a bit. The backstory is very cliché and it reminds me strongly of Sasuke which.. isn't a good thing. I like the fake techniques. But between your spelling/punctuation and the cliché backstory, I think you should start over. If you do, take the time and pay attention to spelling and punctuation. I can't accept your character as it is now. All in all the jutsu are really good, except for the eight gates. That's too powerful. The backstory is a bit cliché for me, and the combination of Uchiha and Yamanaka and Uchiha doesn't strike me as very well thought out.[/b][/color] [quote=@pkken] [hider=Mū Sarutobi] [h1]Mū Sarutobi[/h1] [color=red][b]It's Hillan's little brother[/b][/color] ————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— [center][IMG]http://i.imgur.com/FnJTINM.jpg[/IMG][/center] ————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— [h3]Personalia[/h3] [sub]Information collected by the census office of Konohagakure[/sub] [h1][i][color=f26522]"Let's see what you got"[/color][/i][/h1] [indent]| Ｂｉｒｔｈｎａｍｅ: | [indent][i]Sarutobi Mū[/i][/indent] | Ｎｉｃｋｎａｍｅｓ: | [indent][i]None[/i][/indent] | Ａｌｉａｓ: | [indent][i]None[/i][/indent] | Ｓｅｘ: | [indent][i]None[/i][/indent] [color=red][b]??? I'll read the full sheet before I comment on the lack of vagina or penis but this is weird lol[/b][/color] | Ａｇｅ: | [indent][i]15[/i][/indent] | Ｂｉｒｔｈｐｌａｃｅ: | [indent][i]Konohagakure[/i][/indent] | Ｂｌｏｏｄｌｉｎｅ: | [indent][i]Sarurobi[/i][/indent] | Ｒａｎｋ: | [indent][i]Chunin[/i][/indent] [/indent] [center]————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— [h3]Psychology & History[/h3] [sub]From detailed inspection and investigation by ANBU and medical personnel[/sub] [h1][i][color=f26522]"Fight me up close"[/color][/i][/h1][/center] [indent]| Ｐｅｒｓｏｎａｌ ｂｉｏｇｒａｐｈｙ: | [indent][i]Personality: Mū is a chill and laid back individual, he is rather ambitious though and desires to be a powerful ninja. Because of his wants and desires he likes to train often and develop his abilities and tactics or other ways he can use a jutsu or even making combos. Mū likes to tease people and mess around with them sometimes still showing that he is a kid, but he can get serious when things get going and will have a complete personality switch, becoming strict and serious if it becomes life threatening. Mū always keeps a level head on him, making sure his emotions doesn't get in the way of him doing his work. [color=red][b]Good.[/b][/color] Biography: Mū is apart of the Sarutobi clans main branch family, 2nd in line to be heir of the clan. Because he is in like to be heir, he is trained and taught certain life lessons so that in case his older brother, who is next in line to be heir ever dies. The harsh winter had made people rather bitter, causing some harsh clan problems with the main branch and side branches. Mū was considered a rather talented shinobi since he graduated the academy being top 3 in his class, being able to use some of the powerful fire style techniques that the Sarutobi clan is known for. Mū is a competent shinobi who works well in teams due to his, success firs then safety attitude but in some situations this is not always what a ninja wants to go for. Mū must understand the idea of true comradery if wished to be a great ninja. [color=red][b]Some grammar issues here but nothing major. Suggest you work out a shared Sarutobi history with Hillan. I don't have an issue with it.[/b][/color] Background: [/i][/indent] | Ｆａｍｉｌｙ ｂｉｏｇｒａｐｈｙ: | [indent][i]The Sarutobi Clan Which were one of the founding clans of the Hidden Leaf, they grew into a powerful clan by adopting other, smaller clans under their banner, making the clan a haven for a lot of people from all over the Land Of Fire, all whom share the same ideology – the belief in the Will Of Fire..[/i][/indent] | Ｆａｍｉｌｙ ｔｉｅｓ: | [indent][i]Fill in this form for his direct family. At the very least his (biological) parents. Name- Ken Sarutobi| Father| Age- 44, , Sarutobi clan leader Akira Sarutobi| Mother| 40, Wife of Sarutobi clan head Jhin Sarutobi | brother|20, Sarutobi clan heir [/i][/indent] | Ｄｒｅａｍｓ ａｎｄ ｆｅａｒｓ: | [indent][i]Mū wants to be known as a great ninja throughout the land, where his battles and achievements will make people think in awe. Mū fears all his members dieing in the clan, Mū also hates losing and failing. [/i][/indent][/indent] [center]————————————————————————————————————————————————————————————— [h3]Combat Reports[/h3] [sub]From detailed reports from previous missions and academy sparring matches[/sub] [h1][i][color=f26522]"The power of the Sarutobi clan"[/color][/i][/h1][/center] | Ｆｉｇｈｔｉｎｇ ｓｔｙｌｅ: | [i]Mū fights from close to midrange, when he is up close in personal, he uses his Brass knuckle like trench blades. When he is at mid range he is usually casting fire or wind jutsu.[/i] | Ｋｅｋｋｅｉ ｇｅｎｋａｉ － ｂｌｏｏｄｌｉｎｅ ｌｉｍｉｔ: | [u]Ｋｅｋｋｅｉ ｇｅｎｋａｉ ｎａｍｅ[/u] Nothing [u]Ｄｅｓｃｒｉｐｔｉｏｎ[/u] None [u]Ｓｔｒｅｎｇｔｈｓ[/u] none [u]Ｗｅａｋｎｅｓｓｅｓ[/u] None [color=red][b]You can just remove this for neatness/tidiness/aesthetics.[/b][/color] | Ｎｉｎｊａ ｔｅｃｈｎｉｑｕｅｓ: | [sub][url=naruto.wikia.com/wiki/Narutopedia]Jutsu names can be found here.[/url][/sub] [u]Ａ ｒａｎｋ ｔｅｃｈｎｉｑｕｅｓ[/u] Fire style: 3 dragons jutsu [u]Ｂ ｒａｎｋ ｔｅｃｈｎｉｑｕｅｓ[/u] Wind style: vacuum sphere jutsu-http://naruto.wikia.com/wiki/Wind_Release:_Vacuum_Sphere [color=red][b]OK - but the bullets aren't invisible, because your character is obviously not on the same power scale as Danzo. So the power will be slightly lower.[/b][/color] Fire style: Burning ash - http://naruto-bleach.wikia.com/wiki/Fire_Style:_Burning_Ash [color=red][b]k[/b][/color] Wind style: Pressure damage - http://naruto.wikia.com/wiki/Wind_Release:_Pressure_Damage [color=red][b]k[/b][/color] [u]Ｃ ｒａｎｋ ｔｅｃｈｎｉｑｕｅｓ[/u] Fire style:Fire ball jutsu- http://naruto-bleach.wikia.com/wiki/Fire_Style:_Fireball_Jutsu [color=red][b]k[/b][/color] Fire style: Phoenix flower jutsu- http://naruto-bleach.wikia.com/wiki/Fire_Style:_Phoenix_Flower_Jutsu [color=red][b]k[/b][/color] [u]Ｄ ｒａｎｋ ｔｅｃｈｎｉｑｕｅｓ[/u] [indent][url=narutopedialink]Name no jutsu here.[/url][/indent] [u]Ｅ ｒａｎｋ ｔｅｃｈｎｉｑｕｅｓ[/u] [indent][url=narutopedialink]Name no jutsu here.[/url][/indent] | Ｃｕｓｔｏｍ ｔｅｃｈｎｉｑｕｅｓ: | [indent][u]Ｊｕｔｓｕ ｎａｍｅ[/u] Fire style: 3 dragons jutsu[/indent] [u]Ｒａｎｋ[/u] [indent]A[/indent] [u]Ｒａｎｇｅ[/u] [indent]50 Meters maxium[/indent] [u]Ｄｅｓｃｒｉｐｔｉｏｎ[/u] [indent]This jutsu is considered to be Mū's ultimate jutsu, it is capable of incinerating Trees completely into a pile of ash. When used Mū blows out 3 22 feet long dragons made out of fire that collide on one target or can be sent at individual targets. The way to not get hit is use a B rank or higher water style jutsu or any kind of A rank blasting attack to cancel out the dragons. If the attack used to cancel out the f is wind release it will only make the fire attack stronger. [color=red][b]Makes sense - but they can also be dodged I imagine or otherwise blocked using earth techniques. I mean, they obviously can't incinerate and blast through earth, can they?[/b][/color][/indent] Repeat this form as many times as you need. | Ｗｅａｐｏｎｓ: | [u]Ｗｅａｐｏｎ ｎａｍｅ[/u] Chakra blades [u]Ｗｅａｐｏｎ， ｔｏｏｌ， ｏｒ ｏｂｊｅｃｔ ｔｙｐｅ[/u] [IMG]http://i.imgur.com/K2zzwZi.jpg[/IMG] [u]Ｄｅｓｃｒｉｐｔｉｏｎ[/u] A chakra blade is a special made metal that can be infused through chakra flow with elemental chakra or with yin-yang chakra to produce added effects. When infused with wind style chakra, the blades can pierce and cut through stone and metal. [color=red][b]k[/b][/color][/hider] Alright I am done.[@Buddha] [/quote] [color=red][b]Not bad. Look at the points I made, fix what you think needs fixing and let me know when you edited it. It'll probably be accepted. Also, clean up the CS a bit if you can - remove those things you didn't use like E and D rank techniques and the kekkei genkai bit.[/b][/color]