[@Fenris123] Overall a lot better, there is now a much more plausible story given the context and a lot easier to follow as well.  I think it's pretty much acceptable at this point now.

And yes, I'd appreciate it if you could try to correct any grammar mistakes when you see them.  When I look over my past posts and spot a mistake I usually try to edit it on the spot least it get on my nerves.  That said, I can deal with it more in other people's posts than my own.