[quote=@Invader Len]
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[hider=Kieran Damond Review]
Alright, let's get into this, shall we? First off, this is not a bad CS, not bad by any means. You're just a few points shy of getting in, and we have just a couple issues that need correction or clarification.

First off, welcome to the Dead Moms Club! We have so many dead moms in this RP, good lord what is up with Prydainian maternity care? Were the characters of this class born through chainsaw C-sections? Is darwinism directly being applied through the maternity ward? Do only the strong survive? This doesn't need to be changed, I'm just poking fun at how many mothers have "died in childbirth" or otherwise met their grisly end in this RP. We might almost have more dead moms than live moms at this point.  Feels like I'm GMing a Disney movie.

Also, I hope that having "Male" in your mage/familiar designation is a typo, unless you insist on having "male magic". Which might cross us off the list of PG-13 RPs. 

Now onto the real issues. First off, your character's mom dies and the dad skips out on them soon after, leaving your character in the care of his brother. As feel-good as this is, this raises questions. How old was your character's brother when this happened? Was he already an adult, and therefore legally able to raise his infant brother? If not, then they both should have been put in the care of their closest living relative, or in foster care. Alternatively, you could tell us how old your character was when their father left. Did he stay with the boys until the older one was an adult, before mysteriously bailing? This needs clarification and can be built on to give your character a little more depth.

Also, this is just another small thing, but if your characters live in Colbar, isn't a job as a dockworker, fish packer, or farm hand more appropriate for the character's brother? The textile industry is heavily concentrated in Erridún, another city. I like that you're incorporating the cities into your CS, but Colbar is a port city with a heavy focus on trade, fishing, and agriculture. They also have an exquisite trolley system, so finding work as a trolley driver/mechanic/cleaner is also feasible.

Next up, this is the most common correction we ask for, so don't feel bad about it, but it is still important. Why does your character want to go to St. Fortuna's? He's working hard enough to get a scholarship, but why? How does this relate to his dream of being a world famous author? I'm not saying the two are mutually exclusive, but I want to see the connection. Is it an escape from poverty to the lap of luxury? Does he want to utilize not only the amazing history of the school, but the best education in writing and history available? Does he want to make connections with the wealthy and powerful and earn some favor from new friends? Why does he go to St. Fortuna's, and not simply join his brother as a worker in Colbar as soon as he is able?

Lastly, this was more of a formatting issue than a character issue, but could you keep your quiz questions with the answers? That way we can better understand the answers without us all having to keep 2-3 tabs open on understanding and interpreting what you've written.

Those are all the problems we have, I think they are easily fixable with a little clarification and the use of the copy/paste function. This is a well built character, you have a strong concept and they're fleshed out. A little on the darker side, but not too edgy to cross our lines. You just need a little bit of a push to scoot over the finish line, but I think with these corrections implemented, you'll get there. Once your made the edits, we'll happily review your character again.

This is Invader Len, signing off.
[img]https://lovelycoconuts.files.wordpress.com/2014/04/colbert_mic_drop-52522.gif[/img]

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[hider=My Hider]
Hi hi! First off I would like to say I love your energy! So...........motivated! Cheerful!

Second I would like to apologize. If you look at my previous posts in my profile it would be apparent I'm a stickler for details but I will Andy I wrote this CS early AM quite inebriated. So for that I apologize.

Third I am at work so I fixed what I could but I won't be able to add the questions to the answers for at least 7-8 hours. I was hoping that we could move along the vetting process now and I can just add the questions when I get home. But if not it's kewl dawg I'm all about that GM respect low key ya dog it? (I just about gave myself a heart attacks writing like that)

Fourth I changed it so the mom was hospitalized cause she a sick bitch instead of a dead bitch. I stay by this, I am a slight edge lord, and usually my CS are dark af but I realize it would be better not to have that in this rp lol)
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