[center][@dabombjk]
[hider=Kieran Damond Review v2.0]
Okay, so this second review got a lot of deeper interest as we reread it, and we noticed both issues that have newly arisen and some that we overlooked before. So bear with us as we go through them, they're all fixable with the right solutions.

Let's start off with the mom. So, before, she was dead. That was fine. Now she's alive and is just sick. That's fine too. What's not fine is how she up and disappears after a brief mention. I get the dad mysteriously vanishes, but the mom never reappears in the boys lives again after the complications with pregnancy, and Conrad just assumes the responsibilities of parenting Kieran like that. Can you see the problem here? You're operating the entire story as if the mom was dead. Which would be fine, if she was. The problem is, she's not anymore, she's alive, and retains legal parentage of the boys even if she's sick and in the hospital. Not to mention, complications regarding pregnancy and afterbirth don't last that long. If she's not dead from them, she'd be returning home in a few weeks to a few months. This makes not only Conrad assuming guardianship of Kieran silly and unnecessary, but the father's depression and disappearance as well. The mother being alive changes the entire story, you can't just have her alive and then write the story as if she was still dead. Their are pretty much two choices here: Change the story to accommodate a now living mother, or kill her off again. Either way is fine, but putting her in hospital limbo never to be heard from again is silly.

Speaking of silly, can I just point out that it's a little contradictory if he was born to "loving parents" and the father skips town on them without a word as soon as things get difficult for him? In this revision, the mom isn't even dead, just recovering from childbirth, so why is he leaving? Can you see why that's weird?

We also don't know how great the age gap is between Kieran and Conrad. I understand you tried to fix this by giving us Conrad's age when he assumes legal guardianship of Kieran, but without Kieran's age, it's meaningless. Is he an infant when this happens? Is he five? Ten? Does it happen a day before the story takes place? It could happen any time over the 15 year period, and can have different effects on Kieran at different times. So now you can see why it's rather important to have it as a defined point, rather than abstract. 

Next up, some things about Conrad. He's working a job that doesn't pay well and spends a lot of time away. Which begs the question: Who watches Kieran when he's away? Who cooks for him? Who changes his diaper? Who makes sure he doesn't roll over in his sleep and suffocate? Cause that's what babies do. Who makes sure he doesn't get under the sink and drink drain cleaner? Cause that's what toddlers do. Who makes sure he doesn't get bored and climb a tree and fall and break his neck? Cause that's what little boys (and sometimes big boys) do. Parenting is more than just working a full time job and providing the material wants for a child, it's making sure they don't kill themselves or get killed, making sure they eat regularly and healthily, making sure they take care of themselves. Especially for the first 5-6 years of life, it's a full time job. So who's helping Conrad take care of a baby while he works? Neighbors? The missing mom? A 14 year old desperate for spending money and something to put on their resume? Please elaborate on this.

Also, here's something that needs redacting. "Kieran believed that in time he would be able to learn much about the different forms of magical writing such as the many types of symbols and signs," please delete the part about the symbols and signs. We have not revealed how magic itself works, and this is world building. Please do not world build, particularly about magic, as it is a system we have been working on very intricately.

Finally, some overlooked problems. In the quiz, you mention lying quite a lot. To the point of him being a compulsive liar, manipulator, and unscrupulous blackmailer. This is a big difference from what is said in the personality, where he "won't lie outright". He even takes a speech his brother makes about the value of friendship, forgiveness, and understanding, and turns it into "I must lie and hide my true nature from others to survive in this world." Thats a pretty big and pretty deep decision for an elementary schooler, whom I would think would resonate more deeply with the message of friendship and forgiveness. I would suggest toning down the lying in his history and quiz, or correct his personality to make him more devious, ruthless, and manipulative. In addition, the constant lying should come with flaws. Compulsive liars are more likely to have problems empathizing with people, and people who hide things, like their emotions or physical objects, are more likely to suffer from paranoia and be introverted. People who lie to protect themselves are more likely to be flighty and easily frightened, and manipulators and blackmailers are more likely to have problems forming genuine attachments and gaining satisfaction from their relationships with people and things. The psychological impact of lying runs very deep. It's one thing to be a silver tongued persuader, and another to hide the truth and manipulate others with malicious intent on a constant basis. 

Those are all the issues we overlooked, and all the issues that have newly arisen in the CS. They can all be fixed with solutions suggested, but they have to be before we can give you the okay. Please make the corrections, and we'll review your CS again. :D

[/hider][/center]