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[hider=Kieran Damond Review v3.0]
[color=f7976a]Oh boy, where to begin here. I had high hopes for this version, and sad to say, it fails those hopes by a long shot. There are more issues in this CS than in the first two combined. My co-GMs and our GM-in-training Natsu will all be writing our own separate reviews for this CS, focusing on the issues we each think are the most atrocious. I'll be starting us off.

Going chronologically, my first problem is his personality. He has 0 personality flaws. The personality itself is meager and bland, but the lack of flaws is what really grinds my gears. Do you mean to say that there is nothing bad about Kieran? That he has no traits, habits, thoughts or mannerisms that others would consider undesirable or obstructive? He has no problems with anything? His personality has gone from being concrete, to shifty, to bland and blotchy. It needs serious construction. Every character should always have at least 1 major flaw, that is, a flaw that seriously inhibits them, and 3 minor flaws. More flaws are usually better, but this is the bare minimum.

Next up is an issue that I find very serious and egregiously offensive. You plagiarized my own writing. This segment, to be exact. [/color]
"A small, coastal village known for its seafood industry and stark white cliffs. The hillside is rocky and not very good for agriculture. Is mainly a port city, and people here speak with a strange, northeastern accent. The town is closely packed, with some coastal villas and cottages having enough breathing room. Heavy rains and thunderstorms dominate the weather, and the city is famous for its lighthouses."
[color=f7976a]Who do you think wrote that? Do you think I wouldn't recognize my own writing? What possessed you to copy and paste my own words into a CS you knew I'd review, to a role play I'm GMing? Were you hoping I'd be flattered by your lifting of my paragraph and sticking it in your CS with no indication that you [I]didn't write it?[/I] It sticks out like a sore thumb, you didn't even bother to make the capitalized "A" fit with the rest of the sentence structure. 

Not only that, but the entirety of the plagiarized segment does nothing for the history or your character. This is the most useless example of plagiarism I've seen in my entire life. It's wholly unnecessary because it accomplishes nothing. It interrupts the flow of writing and is meaningless to the characters history. What do lighthouses have to do with your character? What does the geography have to do with your character? Delete the stolen segment, both because you took it from me, and because it's stupid where it is. These descriptions are meant to be insight into the character's background, not THE character's background.

Continuing on, there are more problems with the family. The father's job is never given. What does he do? Is he a fisherman? A farmer? A banker? A lawyer? A beggar? The mayor? [u]What is his job?[/u] The job and its possible pay grade determines the socio-economic status of the family, since he is declared to be the sole breadwinner of the family. Without knowing the job, how are we to know what kind of household your character grew up in?

Also, more world building. I understand from reading the first sentence of the description for Colbar that you could mistake it for being a collection of tiny hovels overlooking the sea. The descriptions were outdated and long overdue for grammatical revisions. However, that does not excuse that Colbar is not a tiny city. That's a word I use in the description, a city. It is not a place where everyone knows everyone, nor is it isolated. It's a trading city, for heavens sake! It's filled with sailors from around the world with tales of adventure and exotic lands! I realize that I need to correct my writing there, but that does not give you a right to world build it into a tiny, unimportant little place. The background is there as a background. You are supposed to be building a character, not a city.

Now we're getting into deeper problems, problems that directly conflict with our lore. I have to ask. Did you read everything we wrote about magic carefully? Did you miss the parts where we said that that it is normal in this world, that 50% of the population has it, that it cannot be considered "special" in the way we would consider is special? It would not be considered a talent to do little tricks with ones own magic. Legitimate card and hat tricks would be more impressive in this world. Getting accepted into St. Fortuna's for a minor magic talent would be like getting accepted into Harvard for being ambidextrous. It's not that special.[/color]

[color=f7976a]Next up, the mother. I think I liked her better when she was dead, because now she's making problems with our lore. First off, mage is not an occupation. It's not a job or hobby that you can quit. Mage and Familiar are the names of two categories of souls that a person is born possessing. You either have a Mage soul, which can channel mana into magic, or you have a Familiar soul, which holds mana in its raw form and derives its own unique energy from the life of its user. These soul types form spiritual and social roles that the person they are born into fills. A person is a Mage in the same way that someone else is black. It is a part of their identity, something they cannot change, that they are born into. You can't stop being a mage or familiar just like you can't stop being a certain race or ethnicity or blood type. So his mother having been "a mage a long time ago" makes no sense. She would never lose her ability to use magic, she would never lose her soul, and she would never be anything but a mage. A mage is not an occupation. You can be born a mage, and be a farmer, a fisherman, a writer, a bounty hunter, an academic, a housewife, or anything imaginable. There are professions that utilize magic more than others, and some that don't use any at all.[/color] 

[color=f7976a]In addition, because magic is so innate and normal in this world, the parents hatred of it is absurd. Unbonded magic is the weakest magic that exists, the magic of a mage without a familiar. Mages have very low reservoirs of mana, so the spells they cast are incredibly weak. Fire mages can still cast flames that burn, but they're weak, unsustainable, and low temperature. Light mages can only manage a dim glow. Mages only unlock the true powerful potential of their spells when drawing from the mana pools of their bonded Familiar, and it's a two person job. In addition, magic is [u][b]NORMAL[/b][/u] in this world. Being afraid of it is like having a fear of air or grass! It's irrational and unreasonable. [/color]

[color=f7976a]Moreover, untrained magic is far more dangerous than trained magic. Mages of all magic types learn in any high school the basics of controlling their magic, it would be a part of his curriculum no matter where he goes. And there are good reasons for that. Imagine being a fire mage who never learned how to control summoning flames. You might not be able to summon flames at all, or you might summon them accidentally. They'd be small and weak, but they could still burn you, and they could appear randomly. You wouldn't be able to extinguish them through magic. Now imagine being that same fire mage, and filling up your car at a gas station. Does that sound hazardous? What about sleeping in your very flammable bed? Or walking through dry grass? Or being around a very flatulent friend? Those are all now serious hazards, because you never learned to control your magic. Untrained magic and untrained abilities are very dangerous, and that is why every high school will teach you the basics of controlling them, even if you never use magic again in your entire life.[/color]

[color=f7976a]With that in mind that EVERY high school will have to teach him about magic, why wouldn't his parents want him to go to St. Fortuna's? Yes, it has a more magic-oriented curriculum, but it's also the best school in the country, not only for magic. We have people attending for the excellent cooking and music courses, we have people attending to learn botany or monster physiology. There are people attending with dreams of being politicians, doctors, academics, scientists. There are people attending simply for the benefits of having "went to St. Fortuna's" on their resumé. There are people who don't even want to be here or care about being here, but are just here because their parents want the prestige of having their children mingle with their fellow elite. There are people from other countries sending their children there! Given that it is the best educational opportunity available in all of Prydain, why wouldn't his parents want him to go?[/color]

[color=f7976a]Now into his likes and dislikes. There's one that stands out to me. Why does he dislike talking about his parents? This is still copied over from the original "dead parents" plot. His parents are alive and well now, and Kieran never hints in his history that he bears them any animosity. So why the sudden angst?[/color]

[color=f7976a]Now onto the quiz. I'm going to tell you right off the bat that your answers to questions 2 and 3 are absolutely useless, they might as well be blank. For number 2, the question was about your character getting caught in a lie. This was for us to judge their responses to getting caught doing something "bad". Here is your response.[/color]
"Kieran will try to laugh it off, not admitting to anything at first. But when he is caught and the person will not let up he will stand his ground, Kieran would not lie unless it was for a good reason."
[color=f7976a]What constitutes a "good reason" to Kieran? The definition changes from person to person. I might think that not making someone sad constitutes a good reason, while a friend might think that lying should be reserved only for life or death situations. Without knowing what constitutes a good reason to Kieran, we have no clue what he will or won't lie about.[/color]

[color=f7976a]Question 3 was about determining your character's response to a sudden betrayal in the form of a lie. This was for us to judge how your character reacts to something like betrayal or perceived betrayal from a close friend. Here's what you wrote.[/color]
"Kieran would simply ignore it for a time, unless something happened because of it or it affected him in a serious way."
[color=f7976a]Quoth the white boy, "lol then what ;)". What happens if it does affect him in a serious way, or if something did happen because of it? There's no reaction here, this question might as well have been left blank. We use these quizzes to determine your magic type or ability if you are accepted, how can you expect us to do our job with that when 1/4th of the information we need is useless to us?[/color]

[color=f7976a]Lastly, more problems with Conrad. Here's what you wrote.[/color]
"looked up to his older brother, who did what he wanted despite not being fully supported by his parents for the decisions he made."
[color=f7976a]That's all nice and good, but [I]what did Conrad do?[/I] There's no context here. Conrad's parents never give any indication they disapprove of anything that Conrad is doing. Conrad seems to have gone from being a major part of the character's life to barely appearing here and there. Really, at least give us some context for it.

That is everything I have, but believe me, this review is far from over. My co-GM's and GM-in-training's comments have been tacked on below, and I'm certain they have a lot to say. In my opinion, this CS is worse than the first two you submitted. It's wrought with errors, world building, plagiarism, and nonsense. In addition, the lack of personality flaws and the fact that you have apparently based this CS on yourself makes me suspect a self-insert. This character needs to be heavily rewritten, with the worldbuilding and plagiarism removed, the erroneous details corrected, and a LOT of explaining and character building in the history and personality. As it stands, this is not a character I would allow in this RP. Please make the appropriate changes, and we'll review your submission again.[/color]

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[color=f49ac2][u]Error's Review[/u][/color]

[color=f49ac2]Hey there, Error here!

So, let's start at the top. Everything looks good, up until we get to Kierans personality, the whole four sentences of it! I can garner just a few things about Kieran in what little you've put in this section, and to be honest it all confuses me. There is just so little information here! You say he's cheerful, but he never acts out of anger, but then you say he makes decisions based on how he feels? Give me some more context here. So far I know basically nothing about Kieran. A persons personality is a very intricate, complicated thing, formed through experiences around the person. Right now, his personality doesn't pass a human. He has no flaws, which are necessary and natural, and honestly he's as bland as a bowl of unsweetened oatmeal right now. Who is Kieran? How does his mind work? What makes him so different? Right now I don't have the answer to any of those questions. Please go back and write me a real personality, not a list of vague traits that clash with each other.

Next off, his biography. I'm not even going to go into the fact that you literally just took Colbars description from our OOC and plopped it into your story, just get rid of it. It adds absolutely nothing to the backstory, and it interrupts the flow of the writing. What I really want to talk about here is this: [/color]

"Kieran excelled in his academic, but hated living in Colbar. Up until the middle of middle school Kieran he did whatever he was told, went school, never caused too much trouble, was decently popular, did his homework, ate the food that was put on the table. But when he started high school something flipped in his brains."

[color=f49ac2]The first problem I have with this is the fact that your first sentence of Kieran bio was establishing that he was "a little....different than other kids in his hometown of Colbar." From what I can see so far, other than for some reason hating living in Colbar, Kieran doesn't seem different to me at all. So how is he so different from the other kids, and how does it affect him? You say that he's decently popular and seems like a good kid, so then why, just why is he "....different"? What makes this kid special compared to all the other little gremlins living in Colbar? 

Let's talk about the whole flipping of his brain before we get onto the bigger issue. You say:[/color] "He took a look around and realized that everything around him just seemed.....mundane. The Constant bad weather, the smell of fish, and more. Colbar was small, so pretty much everyone knew everyone, and Kieran hated it. That is too say he never acted out in anger because of it, but it was known that Kieran would smile through a polite conversation neatly discussing how he dislike living where he lived."

[color=f49ac2]...Ok? I honestly do not see how anything in his brain flipped, since you already mentioned earlier the fact that he hates living in Colbar. What changed about him, and his relationship to the other townspeople? Did he stop doing what he was told? Did he stop being popular? Stop going to school and getting good grades? I don't really understand how anything really "flipped" in his brain. How did realizing he hated Colbar change things about him?

And now onto the thing that confuses me the most. You state that everything changed when he went into high school. Ok, so he must be a freshman then, and he would be a transfer student into St. Fortuna's for the second year. This is a little odd seeing as you never mention how or why he would transfer from whatever high school in Colbar he was going to into St. Fortuna's. But then, in the next paragraph you go on to talk about him wanting to find a way out of Colbar at 13. There are only two ways I can understand this. Either we just went back in time from talking about him in high school to talking about him at 13, or Kieran is already attending high school at the age of 13, which brings up some real problems. But then at the end of this paragraph you say he gets a scholarship at the age of 15, adding to this trainwreck even more. Please, for the love of all that is sacred, explain this to me. Is he already in high school like you said? Or is he just now getting into St. Fortuna's at 15, like you also said? HOW OLD IS THIS BOY? Is he a transfer student? Does he have magic aging powers or some kind of horrible disease that rapidly ages and deages you? Please clarify this, because right now Kieran is bending the laws of space and time.

Second part of this issue, why is he even here? St. Fortuna's is the best school in Prydain. It is a high competition, high stakes school. People from all over Prydain and even from other countries are applying there. What makes this kid special, enough to not only get in, but get a scholarship? There are so many people who compete for a scholarship at St. Fortuna's, and from how I see it the only reason Kieran got in is because he has a small magical talent? Sorry to break it to you, 50% of the population does too, and if they aren't then they're familiars with bomb ass abilities. So then why is Kieran able to pull of this scholarship? Does he have extraordinary grades, some talent he's exceptional at? There are other, less expensive and competitive schools to attend away from Colbar, so why St. Fortuna's? He doesn't seem to have much ambition other than maybe becoming a "magic teacher" at St. Fortuna's.

All in all you need to expand on personality, give him depth and flaws, and please, please address the age issue. Either have him be a transfer student at a reasonable age, or fix the high school part so that he is not already attending a high school and make it so he just goes straight to St. Fortuna's. 

Error out.[/color]

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[color=82ca9d][u]Natsu's Review[/u][/color]

[color=82ca9d]Ahem.

Hello friend!

Let’s start at the very beginning, A very good place to start. Well, you have a name. And a picture. And an age, and oh! Even a gender and sexual orientation! It’s almost like he’s a real person! Let’s continue through this, hmm? [/color]

“Personality: Kieran is normally quite the cheerful fellow. He is not one to dwell on past mistakes, and prefers to smile through any situation than to act out of pure emotion in anger. To say he would act out of anger is uncharacteristic would be an understatement, but that is not to say he is not emotional. Kieran has and will made decisions based on how he felt, but he has always tried to be fair and to do it with a smile.”

[color=82ca9d]Oh dear. It would appear that you’ve mistaken a personality with having a single personality trait. This is concerning for a number of reasons. Firstly, and though you may not be aware of this, that is not how humans work. You see, humans are an interesting species that typically experience a range of emotions on a day to day basis, and often act in ways that are not rational because of that. That means that, while they may have a base emotion, such as cheerfulness, that is only ever on the surface, and not at all encompasses their entire personality. Secondly, while character’s can have these kind singular traits, they need to be expounded upon, explained, and given the depth that a real human deserves.

Now, I would give more review on the personality, but as I can’t quite infer your thoughts from the wealth of depth and care you’re dumped into little Kieran here, I think we should move onto his Biography, don’t you? Maybe you’re the type of writer who likes to build depth from character interaction whether than detailed explanations.[/color]

“For as long as he could remember Kieran knew he was a little....different than other kids in his hometown of Colbar. Colbar is A small, coastal village known for its seafood industry and stark white cliffs. The hillside is rocky and not very good for agriculture. Is mainly a port city, and people here speak with a strange, northeastern accent. The town is closely packed, with some coastal villas and cottages having enough breathing room. Heavy rains and thunderstorms dominate the weather, and the city is famous for its lighthouses.”

[color=82ca9d]Wow! That’s actually really well writ-
oh.
I see.
Now, good sir, I would normally not dare to question the moral standing of such an individual such as yourself, but I believe the evidence here is overwhelming.  I do say, that this, my friend, is plagiarism at its finest. You appear to have literally copy and pasted from the opening post. Now, normally I would tear you a new one over this, but this is not my battle to fight. I’ll leave that to Len. No, all I will say to this is that it speaks to exactly the type of person you truly are.
 Let’s get back to that later, shall we?.

 Meanwhile, we’re going to continue on with your amazing backstory! Woohoo![/color]

“Kieran though never liked living there with his family. He had a mother.”
 
[color=82ca9d]Oh! I have a mother too![/color]

“a father “

[color=82ca9d]Just like a real boy![/color]

“They were an average family, with his father working most of the day and his mother a stay at home mother. His older brother had recently finished school, but had no desire to continue his education. He wanted to move out as soon as he had more money saved, so he decided to find a job as soon as he finished High school.”

[color=82ca9d]Well, there’s no faster way of moving out than not going to college and starting work in your home town! Such a wise young man.[/color]

“Kieran excelled in his academic, but hated living in Colbar. Up until the middle of middle school Kieran he did whatever he was told, went school, never caused too much trouble, was decently popular, did his homework, ate the food that was put on the table. But when he started high school something flipped in his brains.”
[color=82ca9d]Wait what? I thought he was, “a cheerful fellow”? He’s happy, and hate’s where he’s living at the same time? Now sir, as somebody who grew up in a very small town, and hated it, I can tell you with utmost certainty, unless you have some form of escape, such as the internet, your default emotion will not be cheer. In fact, you may find that the soul crushing apathy you feel every day leads you to this interesting condition some call depression, which, despite its inspiring name, does not cause you to be happy all the time.[/color]
“He took a look around and realized that everything around him just seemed.....mundane. The Constant bad weather, the smell of fish, and more. Colbar was small, so pretty much everyone knew everyone”

[color=82ca9d]Ah. World building. Let me say this. World building is for GM’s, and GM’s alone unless they grant player’s permission. This is a cardinal sin that players can commit, because it interferes with the with the creator’s vision of the world. You neither have the right, nor apparently the ability, to attempt to expound upon the details of the world without the GM’s guidance and permission.[/color]

“That is too say he never acted out in anger because of it, but it was known that Kieran would smile through a polite conversation neatly discussing how he dislike living where he lived ”
[color=82ca9d]Of course! Because small town people love it when you talk about how much you hate where you are! “Oh you know, I just hate it here. What? Why am I bringing this up? Oh you know. Just in case you were curious.”
That’s not how people work, at least not balanced, well adjusted people. [/color]

“When he started looking into St. Fortunas he realized that this would be perfect. He had a small magical talent that he had practiced with, and started learning what he could on his own. While his family did love him, they did not love his magic abilities. His mother had been a mage a long time ago, and both his parents believed that magic was a very dangerous thing to use. ”

[color=82ca9d]I’m sorry what? Ok, lot’s of thing’s going on here, let’s start with the worst.
MAGIC IS A PART OF THIS WORLD. IT IS NOT FEARED BY ANYBODY WHO ISN’T INSANE. THAT’S LIKE SAYING, “Water man. You know? Like, it really shouldn’t be drunk.”
It make’s NO GODDAMNED SENSE IN THIS WORLD.
Furthermore, you can’t “stop” being a mage. Everybody’s born either as a mage, or a familiar, and there’s no middle ground. It is entwined into your soul.
Even more so, MAGE’S NEED FAMILIAR’S TO PRACTICE MAGIC. Or at least, they need them to do real magic. The type of magic you’d be doing as an unbonded, untrained mage is very, very, very dangerous and difficult.[/color]

“At first they did not approve of what Kieran did in his spare time with magic, practicing and researching what little he could on his own, but when he was able to pull off qualifying for a scholarship when he was 15 they felt like they had no choice but to let him go.”

[color=82ca9d]NO. THAT’S NOT HOW PARENTING WORKS. You don’t say, “Oh, I think x is really, REALLY dangerous, but you’re 15 so I guess I have to let you go practice and learn it.”
NO. NO PARENT WOULD EVER. EVER. LET THEM DO THAT.[/color]
“Kieran would always appreciate his roots and his family, even if he disliked Colbar and knew his family did not completely approve of his decision.”

[color=82ca9d]Bullshit. You can’t hate your town to that degree, and be 15, and have what amounts to a toxic home life and still “appreciate your roots”.[/color]

“He was not sold entirely on what he wanted to accomplish in the end, he had only known about the world involving the sea and even in his research he had not settled on a single career, so as far as anyone knew he wanted to eventually become a magic teacher. Maybe one day he could even teach at St. Fortunas.”
[color=82ca9d]I fucking doubt it.
Now, to the quiz! This is a chance for you to maybe, just maybe redeem Kieran and give him some much needed personality and humanity..[/color]

“1. What is your character's dream career?
Becoming a Teacher at the Academy. ”

[color=82ca9d]Ok man. I’m gonna level with you here. You cannot just give a character unjustified goals. Goals not only make a character who they are, but they have those goal’s for good reason’s. This urge to teach is not founded anywhere in what you’ve written. This is not reasonable.[/color]

“2. Your character is caught telling a lie/cheating. How do they react?
Kieran will try to laugh it off, not admitting to anything at first. But when he is caught and the person will not let up he will stand his ground, Kieran would not lie unless it was for a good reason.”
[color=82ca9d]This clashes with everything we know about Kieran. It very isn’t human. Very few people, when caught lying, will continue to insist that what they say is correct and true. [/color]

“8. Who does your character admire/look up to?
He looked up to his older brother, who did what he wanted despite not being fully supported by his parents for the decisions he made”

[color=82ca9d]He looks up to his brother, who has literally no character development though tout your entire sheet. Great. Fucking great.

Now, you may remember a few paragraph’s up, I said that your plagiarism is telling of who you really are. Allow me to return to that now, just a put a nice little bow on this. It is clear to me that you are not somebody who likes at all to put effort into things. You shamelessly copied text, you put no effort into the personality of your character, and you didn’t even try to make him consistent. If it were totally up to me, you would not be getting another chance, but as it is not, perhaps you can prove me wrong, if you even care enough to do so.[/color]

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