[center][h3]The Grey Dust Unofficial Dismal Reviews.[/h3][/center] [hider=Latum Alterum] Good narrative all around. Certainly a limbo-esque feel to things which fits the theme to an extent. However, I feel there is something lacking. Perhaps it is the style here where we are just as lost as Theo is, but I think there's something more than that. There is no emotional connection per say to the character here for me as a reader, that is to say, I find myself like Jec, suddenly meeting Theo for the first time. As such, for being the central character in the story, The lack of emotional investment makes the ending to this piece flat. I feel if the writer had given me more about Theo, perhaps something in the scenery to trigger some reaction from the character outside of "I'm lost, where am I, can you help me?" might reveal a more rounded character. There is a feeling that we are supposed to get that from the three entities he encountered, but perhaps it isn't deep enough. There nothing gained from it, because there was no reason for us to connect to it. In short, while there are beautiful crystals all around, describing the settings vividly to pull the readers into the fantasy world, The story doesn't seem to provide a treasure to take away for the reader at the end of it all. And from one writer to another, that is my critique. [/hider] [hider=Alternate Dimension] Now I may be a stickler for poetry, but I had to read this poem five times to make sure I can review it proper. Now as for thematically appropriate, yes it works, it does fit the theme of Reality by exploring the fabled "mirror world." The narrative works in a way, slowly progressing towards the insanity, step by step until the end. We are invited by the narrator to consider something, but not until the end is the narrator actually revealed to be truly deeply mad. Of which is a nice technique to build the layers of the narrative. Its good, and foreseeable, but leaves you with a satisfaction of knowing that the little voice in the back of your head saying this narrator is crazy was right. Now for the technical aspects of the poem, where I must dock a few points here, is that some of the lines feel forced and arrhythmic. Yes, it is a free verse poem, and yet you added inconsistent rhyme to your meterless stanzas. I'd say that's bit of a sin. If the rhymes were intended to exist, then it does lend a pseudo-beat to your verses, naturally wanting to make those end lines rhyme with the nearest slant/true rhyme. However, that structure fails in the second half of the poem and gets lost, which ether is a brilliant move on your part as a writer to imply the poem itself unravels like the narrator's mind, only to be picked back up on the other side of mirror to an extent. Or alternatively, a writer giving up on the rhyming idea all together and making incidental rhymes. My one qualm is saying the mirror read 13:30. Now, I may be wrong here, but it certainly feels like a "forced" rhyme here, with 'dirty'. Why? well because if you think about it, there are 2 sorts of clocks you can have to cast a reflection on a mirror. There's an analog clock, with hands that would be positioned at hour 1 and minute 30, unmistakably so. Or, since you wrote out 13:30 numerically, I thought of a digital clock. So 13:30 in the mirror would actually read OE:EI or something of that nature. There is a sense to me at least that the immersion is broken here, see it pulls us in to consider the opposites in the mirror, yet the one constant is the Time which just seems to break that beautiful duality within the very same stanza. If you had reversed it, I think it would have been much more powerful in lieu of using 13:30 as a part of a rhyme for dirty. And from one writer to another, that is my critique. [/hider] [hider=The Unknown Heroes] A good story within a story. Fits the theme of reality, by rewriting it. But glossed over in a sense which left me wanting as a reader. You've done a great job at setting things up, and it feels as though there is a lore outside this one little bit the reader either ought to know, or is implied should know, or is revealed by the interactions. So the bard is both character and narrator to it all, guiding both the audience in the story, as well as the actual audience of readers with the world the bard has created. Although admitted, I saw that ending coming about a mile away. There is a bit of a deus ex with time travel, which is required to make it work, however this will open up another can of worms in arguing the linearity of time, grandfather paradoxes, alternate timelines and all sorts of metaphysics and theory. My main question is since the it was the warrior who went, and not the bard, why would both remember what happened? It suggests the same time line is continued within a given radius to allow two and only two people in all the world to remember their adventure, yet is one of them the same person, would they have ever met each other? Time travel is weird like that. Anyways all in all a good story, but what I felt was lacking honesty the bard's performance. Yes, on one hand it is great he is recounting his personal tale as a fable. But on the other hand, shouldn't a bard be more descriptive? Shouldn't the amaze and wow his audience? Just saying flatly They ventured for X and found Y then did Z seems a bit off for a bard to do. Crucial points perhaps I would have like to seen expanded, what happened between X and Y. Or how did Z happen? "And Beowulf reigned as king for 20 years" sort of a jarring page turner, like we are investing ourselves into your story, but then suddenly we get an abridge version of how the Warrior and Bard adventured, it must have not been a very memorable adventure then. And from one writer to another, that is my critique. [/hider] [hider=Shattered Realities] Well this was an awkward piece. Does it fit the theme of reality ? I'd say so. Stories within stories within possible stories within possible stories. The first parts seemed to be a rather interesting introduction to the main story first. However given what happened in the Morpheus project, it may very well be that the first few paragraphs are actually being written by the man who may or may not be dead. There are multiple ways of interpreting the collection and that is left up to the reader to decide on what is exactly going on. And I can't quite say anything on this ambiguity. I did enjoy the commentary on the nature of reality, fiction, and story, but when it comes down to it, I have to create the story myself. Which gives this story a bit of bias in my opinion since it is as the author may have intended, a story which invites the reader to work with the writer in a story that breaks the 4th wall. And from one writer to another, that is my critique. [/hider] [hider=The Six Truths] A supernatural western told in six parts. One bullet for every chapter. The ending here I saw coming, but enjoyed it all the same. You've structured the foreshadowing very well it means. That or I'm really good at understanding plot devices. Either way, you've told me a tale of twisted fantasy which fits the theme of a warped reality. It works, there's closure, there's a poetic sense of justice and injustice. You've written the cult-vibe very well to portray the supernatural. I appreciate the allegory running through, I'm a sucker for thematics, imagery and allegory. So I can offer very little in terms of commentary myself. Perhaps some formatting but it is dialogue heavy, but I did notice you weren't above compacting some of the spoken lines into a block of text, so perhaps I'd like to feel more than just a one-liner-one-liner call and response dialogue to ease the eyes from what otherwise was a good dip into a character's warped perception. My one remaining question is of course, why didn't Adrian look in a mirror? And from one writer to another, that is my critique. [/hider] [hider=In-Between-Box] Well, let's get the mention of this piece being unfinished out of the way. Yes it is unfinished, but my point don't really count for anything anyways, at least not currently so why not give some impressions of what is written so far? Well done on understanding emotional investment to a character. While it is hard to get a clear understand who or what or why Lachlan is Lachlan, but the charm of the written accents, a bit more about his history even the mention of his family and Danny, leave me wanting to know more. And perhaps because it is an unfinished piece, there is a promise to know more, although it doesn't come in what is presented thus far. Descriptively executed very well, although admittedly I did tire of the accent half-way through, but I got lazy with reading in an accent so that is on me rather than the writer. A good start to something, but overall I'm not sure if I can consider a piece that is clearly unfinished to be equal to a piece that is finished. There is an unfairness about treating an unfinished piece as such, because there is a potential for more to be written, a promise of things to come, which we can look forward to one day in time. However, I have to draw the parallel between this piece and [i]Latum[/i] which tells a similar narrative about a boy who finds himself in a strange place. And since I find there is a parallel between the stories, I'd say its unfair for me to consider an unfinished piece to be judged against finished pieces when including [i]Latum[/i]. I hope you understand my rationale, but then again my points don't count for anything anyways so not much harm should be done here. And from one writer to another, that is my critique. [/hider] So when all is said and done, And reading what they've wrote, All stories where truly fun, But only one may get my vote. My [@vote] goes to [b]The Six Truths[/b]. Complete and well-written, befitting the theme, foreshadowed and unveiled, an ending I saw coming but enjoyed anyways.