My life is, in my perspective,going to hell. I've been dealing with a lot of harsh,harsh things that are driving me into the abyss and while I do see that this isn't the best place to talk about them,better in a therapists office,I feel that if I talk about them I can get the pain to stop ebbing against my heart so much.

2 days ago(wednesday,may 31) I got off work,feeling like crap. I was emotionally exhausted because I was stressed out about not graduating at all(I'm 19 atm, attending high school for my 5th year because I screwed up freshman year.). I'm allowed to stay until I'm 21 because of a beautiful thing called the IDEA,as I have a problem handling my emotions correctly,but I don't want to do another year,and I was scared about not graduating on time. My roleplaying friend of a few years got on, I told her I was done. I had an emotional breakdown and threatened to kill myself,saying that nothing she did mattered,that I felt like she didn't care. after that 2 hour bout of me saying I was done I calmed down,but she blocked me from every place we could contact.

I know,you may look at this now and say that It is my fault-and I agree. she has told me time and time again that she cares,and she told me that day she was tired of worrying that I'd hurt myself. I want to talk to her,to apologize and show her that I have gotten help, that I'm sorry for everything I said because it isn't what friends should do to one another,but I understand that she needs time to heal and enjoy her life. I want to apologize so badly but I can't because I can't get a hold of her,except through her parents and sister,but I won't push it at all. I need to focus on my self first,to improve on myself before I even think about asking for forgiveness. It hurts,because I basically did all my roleplaying with her. and it hurts so,so much. My world,my characters,the stories we wrote....I don't want to end them just yet. there's a chance we will never roleplay again,but I want to give it one last shot. The way she ended things,I'm hopeful on.

It ties into today because the pain won't go away. I woke up this morning struggling to breathe. I went to work,barely able to stand. My goals for the day are to branch out,improve myself,and reflect on everything I've done. I need to find others to chat with,to roleplay with. Those are my goals for today,tomorrow, and all the other days throughout the month.