[quote=@The Elvenqueen]
Pretending I'm okay when I'm really not...but I have to be because I have to keep it together to be there to keep my dad together and if I'm not his emotional crutch I am terrified of what might happen to him 

Also having to come to terms with the fact that if I want to save my own mental health I may have to move out and leave him behind with my narcissistic, emotionally abusive and controlling mother. That kills me, every day, and I don't know if I can do it....but if I don't I honestly believe I will spend the rest of my life being an emotional and financial crutch to my parents.

I'm 21. And I don't mean to be edgy or ungrateful or any of that, but I should not have to deal with or worry about the amount of shit that I do, at this stage of my life. I should be worried about getting my own place, getting a steady paid job, meeting someone that I might one day spend the rest of my life with (and that's a whole other kettle of fish but I won't go into that today). Not whether or not we're going to have any food at all for the next week, or whether it's safe for me to go to bed at night without worrying about them fighting again and her threatening him with some other nonsense. I didn't even go to university and aside from money being an issue I wasn't comfortable leaving him to deal with her all on his own for months at a time while I'm away studying. Now I'll probably never go because even if I do end up managing to move out I won't be able to afford it now. 

I don't really wanna go into super details but yeah, it messes with my head every damn day and it feels kinda good to spit it out for once instead of pretend it'll just go away I guess :B
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The more you spit it out, the more you will find that people are in similar boats and can relate to the problems you're talking about. It beats the alternative of that isolated feeling that tends to become a feedback loop.

That's important, because isolation doesn't help and it's useful to hear reassurance on things like, "Oh yeah, your mom is nuts" and "you are doing the right thing for your father." Someone might have a good answer or suggestion.

But the other thing is this: You do have a right to take care of yourself and if that means moving out and getting your own place and a job and so forth is better for you, it puts you in the position to better assist your father. I know I am basically talking about a paradox here, but life can be ambiguous and we all muddle through and do our best. It's not edgy or ungrateful, but it is a frustrating situation where you are damned if you do and damned if you don't.

But hey, maybe a perfect person will come on and let us all know how to resolve this stuff. Until then, you can only do your best.