Deciding to not end it all.

I've failed the entrance exam twice (nailed it on the third attempt) to the University I coveted. Once I got in, I decided that I will rework my lifestyle and change everything about me, so I will enjoy life as a hard-working student. A few weeks in, I found out just how big of a letdown this University I am attending to is; everything you can think of is poorly organized and the professors there have rather absurd demands, since they don't know any better. Enter dysphoria, and lack of motivation. I try to look for kernels of hope in this massive turd, find very few and in-between. Third year in (the curriculum I'm following lasts six years), there are just too few reasons for me to even try anymore. My relationship was in the toilet and sinking further down, I'm barely attending lectures, I'm plagued by insomnia and stress (since I find no good reason to study); I'm having panic attacks, due to that I'm not very prepared for exams and tests, so I try to study until late, or rather, early in the morning. Because my grades were piss poor, the state stops paying for my education and now I have to tell my mother that she has to pay my tuition (not from the US, in case you're wondering, and we're struggling with our financial situation). I get suspicious of my girlfriend, I lash at her and the other person, at my family, at people around me; I come to the conclusion that I am a burden to everyone, and to society. And, honestly, no one was stating the otherwise either.

So, I laid in bed, eyes wide open staring at the ceiling, heart beating itself out of my chest. I had a glass of water by my bed, and a box full of Zopiclone (sleeping pills). Funny thing is, I wasn't trying to convince myself to do it; I find this nagging idea that I should not, and I start to obsess over it, as I'm rationalizing why I should take the lot and swallow. I'm not sure how I could stay so still and debate this with myself for so long, and just how something in my brain locked me in place as it tried to stop me from completing what I have carefully premeditated. But, all of a sudden, I find it hard to be egoistical for once in my life. I just see how everyone would crumble around me: my mother, my sister, my grandparents, people that knew me. Before this moment, I couldn't care less, but right there and then, it started to hurt. Not only because of my vivid imagination soaring and just playing scenarios in my head, but also because I felt so weak and cowardly that I did not have control over the very last decision I could make. I felt I was too cowardly to complete it. And to think, it was the perfect moment, no one would observe or know until it was too late. The last hurdle was myself.

Now, I find it amusing that I had become a hurdle to myself. Dawn broke, my plan had been foiled. It has been one year since, and right now I'm dealing with much of the same situation regarding the University. Some might find it masochistic that I decided to pursue this career path when it is obviously burying me an early grave, but I have harnessed a very intimate experience and knowledge about death. I want to believe that this experience will help me combat it better, for I shall dedicate my life to combat it through the oath I want to take. I will recite it loud on proud, with the very lips that wanted nothing more but to kiss my sworn enemy.