Its okay now, it was nine years ago when I was sixteen, since then I have learned to live with the pain as everyone must do when something tragic happens to them. It is true enough that the longer one lives the more pain they will inevitably have to face before their own end comes knocking however long that might be. Life for me was a series of tragic events dating back to my elementary days, I learned quickly that life can cruel from a young age, I would be a lier if said it had not warped my mind into a way of thinking that nearly caused me to lose who I was forever. I was consumed by my pain for a long time, all I could see was a world of black and white, a bleak hell that had no purpose and no reason for me, walking in the darkness, lingering on the edge of the eternal abyss wanting to jump in but hanging on even if I didn't know why. I felt nothing and I cared for nothing, I killed my own emotions completely so that I never had to suffer again. I am saying this, telling you this, for one reason. An that is simple, the reason is that I want anyone who possibly see's this that no matter how much pain you suffer, no matter how dark your road becomes and how hellish this world can be, there is always a way back, there is happiness to be found if you only give yourself the chance to find it. 

There is always a reason for being and a reason for ones pain and I found mine the day I stopped someone from ending their own life even if at the time I didn't know I had done it. I realized that there a lot of people of all ages out there who are suffering the same pain but in their own ways, and I decided to use my experience of my own pain to start giving others who are lost in that same darkness the light I never had, the light had to find on my own. The very same thing that I believe this thread was created for if intentionally or just by pure coincidence. I find meaning in sharing my pain with others because I believe very much like I think you do that if just one person reads any of this and they find that sliver of strength they need to make it to the next day then it completely worth it, to know that there are others out there who have been there and found the way. But I uh think I am rambling, something I tend to do when getting into the vortex that is my brain :) but uh before I cut this and post it I had a couple other things to say.

Firstly I am sorry about your husbands tragic event, you are quite right it does haunt me as I am sure it does him. But I believe like I mentioned above that every event in this life has purpose, is pushing you towards who or what your suppose to be. What is important in the end is to always remember the times you had with them both good and bad, because it is those memories that allow them to live on now and for generations to come. Even now I feel like crying a little bit thinking about him but I know he is watching somehow, someway and that my story will go on even though his ended. His last words to me were everything is going to be okay, an if he meant those words to inspire me to become stronger or not that's what they did, took a long time but everything did turn out okay.

Being scared your parents are gonna pass I believe is normal especially when you come across others who have lost one the other or even both, it sort of opens your eye's to the reality that a day will come when they won't be there. We all fear being alone even someone like me who thrives on being a loner, and losing those people, those cornerstones of your life, it is scary because regardless of what you have or who you have you will feel alone in the world regardless. Its one thing to know its a normal part of life that your parents must eventually leave here, but its another to convince your mind that its not going to hurt. You can be prepared but when the bell tolls it hurts all the same. I'm sure I don't have to tell you this but cherish them, every moment, because the bell tolls for us all at any given time.

As it so happen my grandmother whom I and my family cared for, for almost 3 to 4 years passed away not even six months ago now. Even though we knew it was time, it was still hard to let go and thats what makes us human. That love and that caring of people, I am sorry again that you yourself had to go through that and that it still brings you pain. I truly do believe though that the spirit does carry on if there is a god or not, and that when we face our mortality that we will move to a place beyond that is beautiful. Know that I truly believe she is happy and you were there when it counted in the end and in it bring you comfort. 

Thank you for your response, truly. I offer the same thing to you if ever a time comes when you need to talk or just get out of your own head for a bit.

[@Wick]