[center][h1]Apologies and Atrocities[/h1]


[img]http://i.imgur.com/qpk2y0k.png[/img]     [img]http://i.imgur.com/XZCyPaz.png[/img]
[h2][color 8A3DFF]  Emma[/color]  |  [color 33ec06]Marcus[/color][/h2]

[color=9e0039][img]http://i.imgur.com/3R5vYYi.png?2[/img][hr][color=silver]𝕄𝕠𝕟: 𝕊𝕖𝕡𝕥. 𝟚𝟙, 𝟚𝟘𝟚𝟘   / /   𝔹𝕒𝕝𝕕 ℍ𝕖𝕒𝕕 𝕀𝕤𝕝𝕒𝕟𝕕   / /   ℤ𝕙𝕒𝕟𝕘'𝕤 𝔼𝕤𝕥𝕒𝕥𝕖   / /  ~𝟙𝟡𝟘𝟘[/color][hr][/color]
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[hider Apologies and Atrocities]
Emma’s chest felt tight as she approached Marcus’s door. It was the nerves, she decided. She knew that she couldn’t keep pretending that he wasn’t there. She had to say something sooner or later. Sooner was better, she decided. After all, he killed someone for her. It couldn’t be easy, she knew. Not to mention he was her… boyfriend? After a couple of weeks? 
 
[color=f7976a][i]You’ve always been so goddamn needy, Em.[/i][/color]
 
The words still hurt, but that was because they were true. But she pushed the memory away, raising her hand to knock. After a moment of hesitation, she did.

[quote Marcus]
Hey Max, just letting you know that I made it out of DC in once piece, although you probably already knew that. There were a lot of fighters that went down over the city, so just let me know that you guys are okay!
[/quote]

Marcus stared at that message on the screen of his phone, heart clenching in fear. It had taken him so many tries to get that message to send, that when it finally had it felt like a huge weight had been lifted off his shoulders. Now, that weight was back on - it had been hours, and he'd heard no response.

Of course it was crazy to think that there was any reason to it other than the problems he'd [i]just[/i] had. Signal here was terrible - that must've been the reason he wasn't getting anything back from her. Or maybe the squad was out doing training after the threat of a full-scale attack. Or maybe they were on cleanup duty. Or maybe...

The thoughts raced around in his brain, like frightened cats. The knock on his door nearly spooked him out of his worrying, and he sat up in bed, simply looking at the door for a moment. He hadn't rung for any staff - which meant that whoever was out there was waiting specifically for him. He didn't want to answer, and he contemplated just lying in the bed until whoever it was gave up and went away.

It didn't take long for that thought to become another endless train of beating himself up for cowardice, and he rose to feet - if only to prove to himself that he would. And when he opened the door, he saw a face that threw all his emotions into disarray, simply because he wasn't sure how to feel about her seeking him out.

"[color 33ec06]O-oh! Hey Emma. What's up?[/color]" he said, as nonchalantly as he could force.

[color=8A3DFF]”Hey.”[/color] Emma said, weariness clear in her voice. It’d been too long since she had gotten anything resembling a good night’s sleep. [color=8A3DFF]”Can we… uhhh, can I come in? I want to…”[/color] Emma picked her words carefully, [color=8A3DFF]”I think we should talk.”[/color] 

"[color 33ec06]Oh. Uh...yeah. Sure; come on in.[/color]" Marcus said, Emma's words tightening the knot that was already in his chest. 'We need to talk.' was up there on everyone's list of phrases they never wanted to hear, because nothing good ever came from talking. Chatting, conversing, even discussing were all good, or at the very least, productive things. Talking was bad. He didn't care for talking.

He opened the door the whole way, stepping aside to allow Emma entrance into his temporary quarters.

Emma gave a small nod, stepping inside. She was well aware how this must look to Marcus, how she must’ve looked. She was conscious of the dark bags sagging underneath her eyes, but they seemed to be a more and more common occurrence since she’d come to USARILN. Emma was about to take a seat on the bed, but instead hovered awkwardly, instead picking a spot to stand. [color=8A3DFF]”So… from a penthouse to a mansion, huh?”[/color] she said with a clearly nervous laugh. Maybe forced small talk would make this easier.

"[color 33ec06]Hells yeah![/color]" Marcus said with labored enthusiasm, crossing his arms and taking up a leaning position where he was by the door. "[color 33ec06]At this rate, I expect our personal cruise liner to be coming within the month![/color]" He was doing a similar thing as Emma, albeit without knowing. If a conversation started off so casually, it couldn't possibly get worse, right?

[color=8A3DFF]”Yeah…”[/color] Emma let out a small sigh. Talking about nothing, pretending nothing had happened… it was an oddly familiar situation. It looked like Marcus was just as good at faking it as she was. She couldn’t let it keep going. [color=8A3DFF]”I… I’m sorry. I never thanked you for... well, y’know. All that stuff in DC. It couldn’t have been easy…”[/color] Emma left the words hanging, the implied meaning was enough. 

Right to the punch. Of course they couldn't sit here in a mindless chatter loop forever - eventually they had to get down to the heart of it. And what was he supposed to say to a statement like that? It had been very easy for him to do, especially in the moment. It had been easy, and apparently he had a clear conscious about it! He'd killed a man, and justifying his actions had never been easier.

'[i][color 33ec06]No worries Emma! Apparently I'm a ruthless murdering psychopath! It was easy as pie![/color][/i]'

"[color 33ec06]Yeah...well...there's no reason to thank me. I was just..[/color]" Marcus's thought stopped abruptly there, an unfinished sentence.

'[i][color 33ec06]Doing my job? Helping my team? Doing what I [b]thought[/b] was right at the expense of a human being's life?[/color][/i]'

[color=8A3DFF]”Yeah… but…”[/color]
 
But what? 
 
[color=8A3DFF]”He might’ve killed me. So… thanks.”[/color] Emma let out a small huff, wringing her hands together. [color=8A3DFF]”But that’s… not it. I also… I want you to know that I don’t want you to be putting yourself at risk for me… alright?”[/color] she said hesitantly, a weak smile on her face.

[i][color 33ec06]He [b]would[/b] have killed you. Definitely.[/color][/i]

The ugly thought coursed through his mind as soon as Emma spoke, only registering as a faint flicker of the eyes. Some imperceptible emotion, like the barely contained traces of anger that had flickered long after the deed was done. There was an awkward confusion in his mind as some measure of irritation found root in Emma...but why? She hadn't done anything.

In fact...it didn't seem like she [i]ever[/i] did anything.

As quickly as that thought came, Marcus forcibly pushed it out. His inner self was critical of nearly everything, but he absolutely hated the loathing and absolute dickery that seemed to spout from that part of him.

None of those thoughts made purchase in his outward appearance, however. He could handle conversation as long as he wasn't actively shooting flame at the people around him.

"[color 33ec06]Hey. Like I said; there's no reason to thank me. Our entire lives revolve around putting ourselves at risk now. It's way easier to do it for someone I care about rather than some random regular.[/color]"

[color=8A3DFF]”I…”[/color]

[color=8A3DFF][i]That’s not what I meant.[/i][/color]

A soft gulp. Emma’s hands dropped to her side, clenching and unclenching together. [color=8A3DFF]”I mean it. I…”[/color]

[color=8A3DFF][i]How the hell am I supposed to just say what I’m thinking?[/i][/color]

[color=8A3DFF]”I’m sorry, Marcus. I think…”[/color] Emma’s face scrunched up, a sign of discomfort or perhaps disgust, [color=8A3DFF]”I’m not sure if I can keep this up. I think I’m starting to go crazy. Like, really. I’m not sure that… I’m not sure that I’m [i]worth[/i] saving. I’m either going to die or I’m going to break. Soon. Really soon. I’m not worth any of the effort you’re putting into me.”[/color] the words were whisper quiet, a subtle shake setting into Emma’s voice. She wished that he didn’t have to hear it. How weak she was, how close she was to just giving up. But… she couldn’t hold it back. Not anymore. And he was the only one there that she could give it to. 

She felt bad for Marcus. He deserved better than having to listen to this.

Reassuring arms, though spindly and cushioned by hoodie sleeves, wrapped around Emma. Marcus; attempting to give as many good vibes as he could at one moment. Though she probably couldn't see it, his eyes were lost in the distance as he hugged her, as if he were in his own little world and not giving his full attention to her. His own voice spoke with equal volume.

"[color 33ec06]Don't. I don't know what brought you this low, but do not.[/color]" It was a command, rather than the soft statement that was probably expected.

"[color 33ec06][i]I[/i] think you're worth the effort. Which, frankly, is the only thing required for you to be saved.[/color]"

[color=8A3DFF]”It’s not that easy. You should… I don’t deserve to be comforted by you. I don’t…”[/color]
 
[color=8A3DFF][i]I don’t want you to like me.[/i][/color]
 
[color=8A3DFF]”I’m such a piece of shit. I… I’m so [i]unlike[/i] the person I act like I am. I’m so useless. I couldn’t do anything at CC1, I almost got Callan killed, I failed to do anything at Wisford, Savannah died because I couldn’t act, I wasn’t able to save anyone at DC. Not Lily, not the regulars, I fucking shut down in the middle of a disaster. I just let the guy beat the shit out of me, and you had to…”[/color]
 
She realized, in that moment, that she was trying to give him every reason he could to hate her. But just how far would she go?

"[color 33ec06]Emma. Listen. Unless you can dissolve hands, I doubt you almost got Callan killed. I...[/color]" Marcus paused here for a moment, unsure of the words he wanted to use. "[color 33ec06]Savannah wasn't your fault. DC was just a mess all around.[/color]"

Although he tried to sound convincing, it was clear that Marcus was struggling to justify everything. Emma was basically repeating the same thought he'd just had, so how could he sit here and deny it when they were literally thinking the same thing? It sounded mean, and it was, and he was trying to fix it. But it was hard to change someone's mind, and harder to change his own.

Emma pulled away. [color=8A3DFF]”Fault doesn’t matter, what matters is that if I had acted differently Savannah would still be alive. But fuck it, that’s not the worst of it… no, not by a long shot. I’ve… I’ve done so much, how the fuck can I just stand here and act like I’m a nice person? I put all the blame for her death on Ernie. I told him that he should’ve died. Who the fuck does that? I’m so [i]shitty[/i], and… and I feel so bad, I feel sick inside because no one can see it. Because you can’t see it. A-and, I just use the fucking stigma as a shitty excuse for the way I act, but… but that’s not it…”[/color] she didn’t realize it, but she was getting louder and louder.

Marcus took a step back as Emma pulled away and let out a soft sigh, looking down in contemplation as Emma's voice rose in volume. Maybe she wasn't a good person. Maybe she was just another bully - the kind of person that Marcus used to be unable to stand. Maybe...he had no justification for her. If she was so determined to prove that she was a bad person, why was he so equally determined to prove that she [i]wasn't[/i]?

"[color 33ec06]It was a high pressure situation - I don't know if you were just stressed and lashing out or not, I wasn't there. Even if you weren't, so what? You do shitty things. You've also done a lot of non-shitty things. Just because you have moments where you...[/color]" Another pause. Another hesitation as he tried to find words.

"[color 33ec06]I've learned to look past a lot of shit recently...and I'm not going to let you go just because you think all that makes you irredeemable.[/color]"

[i][color=8A3DFF]”Why?”[/color][/i] 

Emma wasn’t even sure what she was doing anymore. Was it her talking? Was the stigma talking for her? She wasn’t sure, but she couldn’t stop now, she’d gone too far, it was all just tumbling out now. [color=8A3DFF]”Why would you try for someone you barely know? Why can’t you just let me go? I… I’ve let myself go. Plenty of other people have. Hell, my own parents have! W-why can’t you just give up on me, just like everyone else!”[/color] she sounded mad. Was she? She wasn’t sure. Most of all she was embarrassed, disgusted with herself. Everything was unzipping, and for once it seemed like she couldn’t stop herself. 

Marcus looked to the ground for a moment. He knew the words he wanted to say, he just...didn't want to say them. Saying these kind of things meant remembering things he'd rather forget - things he'd desperately [i]tried[/i] to forget, but never could.

"[color 33ec06]Because...[/color]" he paused, the words difficult to force out. "[color 33ec06]Because I have lost [i]too much[/i]. I have lost too many of the things I took for granted; the little things I always assumed would be there no matter what happened.[/color]"

He looked up from the ground, his eyes showing a mixture of pain and resolute determination. "[color 33ec06]Because I absolutely will not lose anything I have [i]any[/i] possibility of keeping in my life.[/color]"

There it was. The root of the problem, the ugly rotting core of the issue. All she could do was whine and cry and hurt the people around her. She didn’t deserve to be happy, she was well aware, no one should have to listen to her ‘problems’. She’d gone too far, said too much, why the hell did she get anywhere near Marcus? 

All she could do was hurt [i]him[/i].

[color=8A3DFF]”Sorry.”[/color] Emma muttered. 

[color=8A3DFF]”I’m sorry.”[/color] she said again, barely louder than the first time.

[color=8A3DFF]”You shouldn’t get too invested in the people here… when they die it’s going to destroy you.”[/color] she had still hung onto Lawrence’s words after all. She had hated him for it when he said it, but now here she was passing on the same bitter advice he did.

"[color 33ec06]That's fine.[/color]" Marcus said, the tone of his voice matching the cool tenacity that shown through his eyes.

"[color 33ec06]If it hurts like hell, I know I'm still alive.[/color]"

He sighed again, daring to give a small grin at the floor. "[color 33ec06]There's no reason to apologize for it, either. But, I guess I'll take a free one.[/color]"

Emma forced half a smile. She almost wanted to keep going, but she finally managed to stop. 
 
[color=8A3DFF]”I was half hoping I’d scare you off by now.”[/color] she said lightly. A joke with a hint of truth.

"[color 33ec06]Marcus Howell. Fearless protector of all things good and cherishable.[/color]" he said, the humor slightly bogged down by the exhaustion and uncertainly that lay over top of it. 

"[color 33ec06]You gonna be alright, Em?[/color]"

She couldn’t find it in her to lie. Not now. [color=8A3DFF]”No.”[/color] she let out a small sigh, [color=8A3DFF]”But I’m not… I’m not going to do anything crazy, if that’s what you’re asking. I’m… used to this.”[/color]

[color 33ec06][i]That's a real shitty thing to have to get used to.[/i][/color]

"[color 33ec06]Well hey...just remember that you don't have to try and get through it all yourself. Friendly face and a listening ear go a long way when you're dealing with that kind of stuff.[/color]"

[color=8A3DFF]”Yeah.”[/color] Emma said, a muted agreement with both statements. [color=8A3DFF]”There is… one thing. Yesterday Determination… when I summoned him, he spoke.”[/color] now Emma’s tone shifted to one of worry, but more normal than before.

There was a stunned silence as Marcus processed what Emma had just said.

"[color 33ec06]He...[i]talked[/i]? Like a [i]person[/i]?[/color]"

[color=8A3DFF]”Well, not [i]exactly[/i] like a person, but yeah… he…”[/color] Emma looked down at the ground, feet tapping rhythmically, [color=8A3DFF]”He said that he ‘didn’t want to die’.”[/color]

"[color 33ec06]That's...[i]horrible[/i].[/color]" Marcus said, his face unable to contain the unease that the whole situation brought to the forefront of his mind. "[color 33ec06]I...I assume he didn't exactly elaborate on that, did he?[/color]" 

There was a sort of morbid curiosity to the question, and that was indeed growing in Marcus's head. If the tulpas could talk, or at least Determination could...that would make them one of the first ever DC creations to ever communicate, even if it was through the proxy of a subnatural.

[color=8A3DFF]”No. I… unsummoned him and haven’t brought him back since.”[/color]

"[color 33ec06]Thaaaat's probably for the best.[/color]"

[color=8A3DFF]”I mean, I’m going to have to do it eventually. He’s, like, 70% of my power.”[/color]

"[color 33ec06]True.[/color]" There was a moment of pondering in Marcus's head, a question that seemed to float in the air like a fog. He wasn't fond of the tulpas, he'd made that much very clear before. There was something about them that just put him on edge immediately, and he could never place it. But if the situation made Emma uncomfortable...and he was there to at least help put her at ease even the slightest...

He [i]had[/i] just said that some problems were better with another person around.

"[color 33ec06]Do...do you want to summon him now? See if the both of us can figure out this little...[i]thing[/i]?[/color]"

[color=8A3DFF]”Well… I mean, if you’re up for it, we can try.”[/color] Emma sighed. [color=8A3DFF]”Although… no, I shouldn’t try to talk myself out of it. If you’re ready, I guess I am.”[/color] Emma didn’t wait for confirmation, instead summoning him quickly. Like ripping off a band-aid.
 
Determination rose before the pair. His mouth was now fully formed, no longer appearing as if it was bound together. While before he seemed to be an unmoving statue until given orders, now he was looking around. Finally, his gaze settled on…
 
[color=580ACC]”Emma.”[/color] he said the words slowly, sounding them out for the first time like a child still learning how to speak. [color=580ACC]”Don’t send me back. P…please.”[/color]
 
Emma offered no response, face instead filled with questions, looking towards Marcus for answers.

Oh sweet Jesus. He was talking.

Marcus looked back towards Emma, his face indicating that he had literally zero answers, before looking back to the horrifying abomination that had spawned before them. He talked. A DC proxy was talking to him. There would be scientists that would kill people to experience something like this, and Marcus was just stood speechless - unsure of how to proceed.

"[color 33ec06]A-are...are you okay?[/color]" he finally decided on. A good catch-all question for a terrifying experience such as this.

[color=580ACC]”Yes. No… I do not know,”[/color] with everyone word it seemed that Determination was speaking faster, more like a normal person, [color=580ACC]”As long as you don’t send me back.”[/color] he said, eying Emma. She was quick to ask for clarification, [color=8A3DFF]”What do you mean? Back where?”[/color]
 
[color=580ACC]”Whenever… whenever I’m not here, I’m nowhere. I do not exist. It is… not good…”[/color] it seemed like he struggled to find the words to explain. 

"[color 33ec06]But...if you're nowhere...if you don't exist...you shouldn't feel anything, right? It should just be like sleeping, shouldn't it?[/color]" Marcus followed, his mind struggling to come to terms with what the creature was saying. Was it even just a 'creature' at this point? It could think. It could articulate those thoughts...it was disturbingly close to human, and Marcus wasn't sure how to feel about it.

[color=580ACC]”No… that’s… not right…”[/color] Determination, if you can apply emotion to him, looked like he was concentrating, trying to figure out what to say.  [color=580ACC]”I can’t explain it.”[/color] Emma, for her part, looked befuddled. [color=8A3DFF]”I’m… sorry.”[/color]

[color=580ACC]”Just don’t make me go back. Don’t let me die. Please.”[/color] 

"[color 33ec06]I mean...she can't just...keep you summoned forever?[/color]" Marcus said, the statement more like a question as he turned his head to look at her and hiss "[color 33ec06]...can you?[/color]"

[color=8A3DFF]”I…”[/color] Emma sighed, [color=8A3DFF]”Yes and no. There’s no hard limit, but there are… factors.”[/color] If Determination had eyes, they’d be pleading, [color=580ACC]”Please. As much as you can.”[/color]

Honestly, this was kind of sad as much as it was frightening to experience. Like a small child being told the realities of death at too young an age, but with the added benefit of the child being a monstrous shadow beast birthed from the mind of a creature who 'accidentally' genocided a fair amount of the earth.

"[color 33ec06]How much do you...feel? When you're...'here'? And how much do you remember about your previous incarnations?[/color]" Marcus asked hesitantly. The plan that was slowly forming in his mind was not a good one, but it was the only one he was coming up with right now besides 'Forever Roommate'.

[color=580ACC]”I remember it all. I felt it all.”[/color] 

A look of horror filled Emma’s face. [color=8A3DFF]”I’m… I’m so sorry.”[/color] Determination shook his head. [color=580ACC]”I understand why you… why you did what you did. I’ll keep fighting for you, because if you died I would to, but…”[/color] Determination looked towards the ground.

Emma was starting to understand the absurdity of their situation. But she nodded, [color=8A3DFF]”I understand.”[/color] she said, throwing a questioning glance towards Marcus.

Marcus had no answers. Literally none. His face showed as much when she looked over towards him. Perhaps one more question. One more to help him put together some sort of cohesive plan.

"[color 33ec06]Do you...feel emotions? Like, if Emma told you to hang out in the corner, would you get lonely?[/color]" he asked, his voice growing more and more unsure with every inquiry he posed.

[color=580ACC]”I don’t know. I think I do.”[/color]

This was a sticky situation. Literally the worst thing he'd yet to encounter in this hellhole, and it left him completely dumbfounded as to what to try and do about it.

"[color 33ec06]I...I dunno Em.[/color]" Marcus whispered, his eyes not leaving the spots where Determination's would be. "[color 33ec06]This is your call...[/color]"

[color=8A3DFF]”I’ll…”[/color] Emma thought for a moment before deciding, [color=8A3DFF]”I’ll do it. If it hurts that much, I’ll try to keep you from… going back there.”[/color] Emma glanced towards Marcus, [color=8A3DFF]”I… can’t promise you won’t, but I’ll try.”[/color] Determination nodded. [color=580ACC]”Okay.”[/color]
[/hider]