[b]July 2nd, Good Morning America News Broadcast
7:30 AM EST[/b]

"...totalling nearly two and a half million dollars as the follow-up robberies from the daring daytime heist of New York's International Museum of Crime concluded with the theft of Angela Weatherby's antique furniture. In sports n-"

[b]BRRRRRRRZZT![/b] Went the static as a spinning skull graphic with the words "Please Stand By" plastered itself across the screen... shortly before a familiar skeleton-masked man- this time wearing an expensive-looking suit- spun around in a high-backed office chair sat behind a fancy-looking desk in one of [url=https://s3.amazonaws.com/plugpolo/poloup/up/7/712/712d497c691c4091be30ad9a01d0fb12/img1.jpg]the most opulent rooms ever seen.[/url] He stroked a king cobra sitting on the armrest. Raising a finger and leaning over the desk, he began.

[color=black][b]"Attention, citizens! There is nothing wrong with your television set! Do not attempt to adjust the picture, for there is but one man who controls the horizontal AND the vertical! And his name is..."[/b][/color]

[img]https://cdn.discordapp.com/attachments/313173201012391947/364850033826201621/Lord_Death_Man.png[/img]

After a brief indulgence of jazz hands, Death Man sat back down, A pie chart appeared behind him, shifting its pie sizes as he pointed at it on what was presumably a greenscreen with his cane. The cobra seemed very interested in the motions of the cane.

[color=black][b]"I, Lord Death Man, bring joyous news. American citizens have noticed a slight change in the climate of their local criminal underworld. By volume, there are fewer kidnappings, drugs sold, and weird illegal porn operations. However, there are more protection services, cheap goods, gambling dens, and creative crimes."[/b][/color]

Three portraits popped up- On the left, what was presumably a middle-aged man in a toga with a laurel wreath wearing a mask of Julius Caesar. In the center, a Mexican bandito in a pink, teal, and purple bandana and poncho depicting palm trees tipped up his sombrero with a pistol straight out of an 80's sci-fi movie. On the right,a Japanese man with a lab coat and a bodysuit with a circuitry diagram drawn over it stood triumphantly on the hood of a car, cackling madly.

[color=black][b]"Such incidents include the recent theft of a third edition Aberdeen Beastiary from the Gotham Library by Sam Socrates, the Thinking Man's Crook. Out West, the Vaporwave Vaquero and his House Horsemen have used their Laser Lassos to complete a daring robbery of a freight train! They're on the fast track to becoming full-fledged members! Of course, they'll have to keep up with the boys back home in Tokyo. Why, Dr. Denki stole a set of concept cars from the Tokyo Motor Show!"[/b][/color]

With a heavy sigh, Death Man shook his head and organized some papers.

[color=black][b]"However, I'm afraid it's not all good news today. It seems that Gotham local Anarkee has no sense of showmanship, allowing for 20 victims in her latest crime... which, pretty much, just amounted to a gas attack. I'm not mad, young lady. Just disappointed. The Death Syndicate's hearts go out to her victims and their families. Compounding the criminal world's frustrations, Grim and Lady Arcana are continuing their crusades against the criminal caste. I issue this warning! Do not interfere in the affairs of the Death Syndicate, or you may find yourself facing against the Master of Mortality- a foe not even the Impossibles could overcome!"[/b][/color]

Lord Death Man changed tone, back to his bombastic declarations, as another image came up- several horses.

[color=black][b]"In sports news, I'm going to steal the Kentucky Derby next year. I grant you a year to build your defenses- but know this! There is no vault I cannot conquer, no guard I cannot elude. I am called a phantom thief for a reason, and the Derby shall be mine!"[/b][/color]

Lord Death Man was looking at his mask in a mirror, making motions mimicking combing his hair despite his mask before stowing the mirror and picking the cobra back up. It seemed to be sleeping.

[color=black][b]"Oh, by the way, for our viewers at home- if you are seeing this, then I have escaped with the fossilized dinosaur eggs from the Hub City Museum of Natural History. I'm heading to Houston. Gonna knock over NASA mission control."[/b][/color] Death Man gave a cocky smile that could be seen from beneath his mask as he pointed finger guns at the camera. [color=black][b]"Try and stop me! Death Man... out!"[/b][/color]

[u][b]BZZZRT![/b][/u]

The pirate broadcast immediately cut back to the news, showing the tail end a saccharine clip from Youtube that everyone's grandmother had been sending them for months. The newswoman did her best to feign interest.

"-st the cutest little kitten?"

The newscaster looked around, confused. Though the viewers couldn't see it, the crew had been frantically trying to figure out what happened with their equipment

"...Is there something wrong?