[center][h3]Critiques round 2![/h3][/center] [b]Tulious Vermininas by Lurking Krog[/b] [hider=My Hider] *He would actually be a Nord; Elder Scrolls races follow matriarchal lines, which makes sense when you consider it’s the mother the baby grows up in. - Dervs *His appearance section is kind of lacking; it covers the basics but I can’t get a good idea what Tulious looks like - Dervs *Agreeing with Dervs on the appearance part, it’s very scant, and there is much you can expand on. Appearance isn’t just limited to skin color, eye color, hair color, and height/weight. You mentioned some scars, for example, but didn’t say where? You could describe his eyebrows, and his voice, or gait. Are his hands large and knobby, or strangely small? These are just ideas, but definitely expand on the appearance section. - Foxey *A lot of the family-specific history isn’t really necessary for the character sheet since it pertains to stuff prior to Tulious being born and doesn’t really have much of a bearing on his as a character past both of his parents having been Legionnaires and passing the skills off to him; that can be justified as the skills come up rather than acting as a preface for his family’s origins. -Dervs *The only training before he enlisted was some basics in marksmanship then Tulious (also, why not Tullius like the General?) he spent his teenage years wandering into ruins, dodging death from wildlife, monsters and bandits for kicks? Did his parents know, was he trained how to fight? Was he given equipment to fight with? This seems incredibly risky and stupid for someone who never received training or had a mentor to be doing because all those things mentioned would have no issue overpowering and killing/ consuming an unprepared teenager. Just because a kid learned how to shoot a rifle from his ex-soldier dad doesn’t mean he’s ready to go into combat himself before he’s been trained, for instance. - Dervs *Schaft - Adding to that, why not just let him be a rambunctious youth? It’s more believable of a thing for kids to get into fights where a bloody nose would decide the victor rather than watching the life slowly leave their eyes as you choke them to death in a visceral struggle on the blade’s edge of life and death. *Also, for that side comment about the name, Imperial names either follow Italian or Latin roots. Tullious sounds like a french bastardization of a Latin name. Just as well Vermininas sounds more Baltic in origin with the -as suffix. Farkas and his brother Vilkas got away with it because Nord for some reason, but Latin names were mostly ended with -us. -Schaft *What made Rolgin want to be a gladiator? There’s a huge risk of being killed involved, and I don’t think anyone’s naive to that fact. While I can certainly understand shock and sorrow at losing his brother, Tulious had to have known it was something that was likely to happen and that the crowd would have been cheering for it; hell, Tulious would probably have been cheering for the high elf’s death. The timing seems a bit weird for him to have had time to visit his brother after enlisting, while granted I don’t think he’d be immediately sent to training the day after signing his paperwork (he’d probably be given a date to get his affairs in order), it does seem weird that this was after he enlisted. Why not before hand, when he knew he’d have time? I’m also pretty sure Chorrol has a recruitment office, so what prompted the trip out to the Imperial City, just his brother’s fight? - Dervs *When Tulious was ambushed, how was he able to draw his bow back after having an arrow in the shoulder? That seems like it would be both agonizing and really fuck up the muscles and ligaments required to do such a thing. You might want to change the location to something less mandatory for operating something like a bow. - Dervs *There wasn’t really a mention of his old bow being ebony, but that’s passable since it was passed on, however there’s now way it could be repaired because if it was as fractured as it was described, there’s no way to reassemble it that would have it able to withstand the stress and flex that is inherent to being a bow. It’s kind of like how you can’t unsnap a stick. - Dervs *Other than that, everything looks pretty great! I really enjoy how he’s a heavy armour archer and how it breaks the mold of sneaky murder archer that tends to be the norm. He has a pretty interesting story in parts, and I was fully expecting Cinnea to have been murdered in the last paragraph there, but I was pleasantly surprised when she wasn’t! Her expecting a child and them needing extra cash is something that’s very relatable and pleasantly normal for a life struggle, so his desire to be a part of the expedition is very well founded. I’d prefer his younger years to be a bit fleshed out, especially if you still want to go with his happy death defying pre-enlistment years. There’s definitely improvements to be had, but it’s definitely a solid start! - Dervs [/hider] [b]Anifaire Mirlinde by LadyTabis [/b] [hider=Anifaire Mirlinde] *This is a fantastic submission! I love that she’s a typical noble snob who’s never seen a hard day’s work in her life but still maintains an air of consummate arrogance that has nothing to do with her accomplishments but rather the silver platter she’d been handed. I do like that she’s another utility character with little in the way of offensive ability, which gives the group some variety and gives her unique skills to handle situations, and you’ve given her a very modest amount of skills; it should be a fun challenge. The only thing I think needs to really be addressed with her is given the climate between the Empire and the Dominion, it felt really tidy that her mother had contacts with the Arcane University that let her get into Cyrodiil. I’d like to see some further justification and relevance with the political climate; what would make her someone the Empire would accept as a guest and Alinor be willing to send her away for study? There’s probably going to be fears for being a spy or a Justicar. Maybe there’s some sort of condition on her appointment, such as Rhea taking notice of one of her essays on Dwemer and requesting her to be an associate. I’m definitely willing to help work with you on that regard. *Overall, excellent! I love Anifaire and her snotty personality. [/hider] [b]Mortalmo by BurningCold[/b] [hider=Mortalmo] *This living fossil certainly lives up to the hype of being arguably the most awful person to be in the group given his colourful and dark, morbid history. I’ve rarely seen someone make such an unapologetically horrendous character (in a good way!) before, given his abusive relationship towards Faewyn and subsequent extermination campaigns against Bosmer insurgents and Talos worshippers. He’s a character who clearly sees himself as superior and incapable of wrongdoing, and it’s clear he’s a very twisted individual who has some uncomfortable parallels to people we see in our own society. It gives him an air of authenticity that robs the roleplay of the escapism element because this Thalmor zealot isn’t too far off of what we read in the news of late. For that alone, I tip my hat to you. *Normally I am not a fan of written scenes taking place in the history section, but you managed to do it in a way that hit all the necessary beats and fleshed out a daunting period of time with an engaging narrative that explained exactly how Mortalmo came to be and his relationships. Honestly, I’m kind of impressed, and your writing ability is absolutely stellar. Honestly, I’m a tad jealous of your vernacular lol. *I truthfully don’t see anything I can recommend to be addressed here; the character is complicated and believable with a rich story and a lot of room for development, and he’s an air of discomfort that’ll be interesting to see how he interacts with other characters. Bravo, good sir! I see your questioning us GMs about things paid off well. *As Dervish has already mentioned, this is one quality piece of writing! I really had no problem with anything I read, except for one teeny tiny thing. There’s a small scene when Mortalmo leaves Faewynn for the Dominion, and the next scene is him in Valenwood with Captain Valentha and his brother Calcinor. Now, I’m remotely curious as to how Mortalmo feels about his brother being the last living family member he has, and rather, how did Calcinor and him end up in the same place during the scene at Valenwood. But that’s all I’m curious about! Bravo! - Foxey [/hider] [b]Alim Blackmoor by Poohead189[/b] [hider=Alim Blackmoor] *You should put your skills in the Highly/Moderately/Somewhat proficient category like the sheet requests just to keep things kosher. Also double check to make sure your formatting is consistent with this character sheet skeleton for this game. *I know I’ve been over the sheet before, but one thing I didn’t really ask the first time around is why would Alim’s father take him with him back to High Rock from his mother? He’s obviously a noble of high standing with trueborn sons, so why bring a bastard into his house? Did his mother not want him, was his father a good man who didn’t want to abandon his son or just vain and didn’t want his blood mucking about? *Other than that, revisions look good! I remember it took a bit of work the first time around, but Alim’s a pretty solid character with a lot of history and adventures under his belt, and I’m glad you agreed to keep Beric as an open end by just having his name in the necromancer’s journal rather than being present in the cave Alim happened to discover. It gives you a chance for some storylines to explore later on. Anyways, good stuff! [/hider] And with that ends the critiques from our end; what happens next is the selection on Tuesday. Hope it helped you guys!