Christmas was hard. Patty and Jennifer spent time with Sam and Louis on Christmas Day and for that he was eternally grateful. He woke up Christmas morning and thankfully, due to having a small baby it was very much the same as every other morning. There was something about the routine that helped Sam during that first week. He could go on auto-pilot, he could avoid thinking about her. Not that he wasn't hurting, but going through motions of 'things to do' made it all a little easier. Having Louis around helped also. There would be no point living without him. Sam never seriously considered taking his life but there were times, like when Louis was asleep and he had space to think that it hurt so bad. He didn't want to die, more he wanted the pain to stop. Death would be a release and he would be with Brooklyn again. Louis stopped all that. Sam had promised Louis on the day of his birth to protect him and Sam kept his promises. He went through the traditions at Christmas. Mom cooked a dinner and they entered into the spirit of things. Louis liked the fuss that was made of him and although he was far to small for the rocking horse Sam the little boy had fun. It pained Sam so much that Brooklyn hadn't seen the finished rocking horse. She would have adored it. Brooklyn absolutely adored Christmas. She'd sing carols, decorate the tree and the house, volunteer at the homeless kitchen. She adored giving and receiving gifts, her wrapping was always exquisite. She helped cook the Christmas meal that was enough to feed an army and family, friends and neighbours were always close in and out of each other's houses. She was exhilarated and excited at the thought of Louis' first Christmas. It broke Sam's heart to know she wasn't around to see it. 'Louis' first Christmas' helped a lot. It was a shift in tone away from 'First Christmas without Mom'. Louis wouldn't remember this Christmas as either so it gave Sam strength to think of it as Louis' first. After the excitement of Christmas comes that empty week before New Year. It's cold and grey and a post-Christmas laziness and boredom settles in. Not for Sam. It was a week of dread. Pure dread. He was counting down the day until he had to say goodbye. He wished time would stay still. No funeral meant she wasn't dead and that she could walk through the door. He missed her deeply. [hr] The morning of the funeral arrived and Sam felt awful. He tried to look after Louis but spent most of the time in the bathroom. He vomited his breakfast, his throat and mouth coated with regurgitated cereal and coffee. His heart beat fast and his eyes ringed damp. He sat on the toilet and his bowels evacuated. He put his head in his hands and the realisation that he couldn't cope and wouldn't cope. He tried to pull it together, he really did. He showered and got ready to put his suit on but when he walked he realised he was sweating and feeling light headed. He felt faint and that he was going to die. Sam, for the first time in his life was suffering from such anxiety and stress it was debilitating him. Not today of all days. Today was the day he had to be the man Brooklyn deserved. He could not fail her. Not today. Sam insisted on Louis being at the funeral. It wasn't as though he had a lot of options for babysitters anyway. Everyone he'd trust with Louis would be at the funeral. They all loved her as much as her. Louis' crying, gurgling and babbling would distract people in their grief and Sam felt Louis had a right to be there. Sam, Chad and Rick were pallbearers. It was the last act of kindness Sam would ever do for Brooklyn. He loved Chad like a brother for being there for them. The man with the greatest weight was Rick. No man should ever have to carry his daughter for the last time. Sam worried about Rick and his health but the truth was he wouldn't dare try and sway Rick. It was their job to do it. Sam hugged Rick when the coffin arrived at the Crematorium. They were sat in the following vehicle and Rick said, "I held her and I kissed her when she entered the world. Today I'll hold her as she leaves." Sam placed his hand on Rick's. They didn't need to say anything more. Sam, Chad and Rick were stood by the hearse as the mahogany coffin was gently and delicately raised by the undertakers. Sam and Rick were asked to come to the front as the undertakers helped them rest the coffin on their shoulders. Brooklyn was a slight woman but this coffin, even though there were six of them carrying her it was the heaviest thing Sam had ever felt. As the bars of the [url=https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=LWQbuJ24Wzg]music [/url] began for the funeral procession Sam couldn't hold it in anymore. He sniffed, tears fell but he would not break, he would not fall. He would carry her, this last time. Those slow steps allowed Sam to focus on walking ahead and nothing else. As they continued their slow march a sound from someone special broke the silence. "Mama!" The coffin rested on it's stand Sam walked to the front row where Patty held Louis, the little boy kicking his legs and arms to the coffin with a picture of Brooklyn beside it. "Mama!" Louis had done it again. He'd changed the mood. With him there Brooklyn would be too. Today was going to be horrible but with Louis by his side he could get through it. Sam had written quite a lot for Brooklyn's eulogy. How could one encapsulate a life in just a few minutes? It wasn't possible. When the time came Sam stood behind the lectern and began. "I want to... I want to...to talk about Brooklyn..." He stared at his notes and at the congregation watching him. People who hardly knew her attending out of respect, her dearest friends and family heartbroken together. "I can't do this," he said, "I..." Sam wiped a tear from his eye. Sam closed his eyes and stood silent for a few seconds before whispering, "I love you." Sam opened his eyes and felt Brooklyn's love in the room and all the love in his soul poured out in a monumental show of strength. He folded up his pages of notes and spoke... "This is the hardest thing in the world I'll ever have to do," he said catching his breath, "no one ever expects to have to do this, but as sad as I am, as devastated as we all are I feel proud to speak of Brooklyn today." "Because Brooklyn spread love and joy wherever she went. She was a good person, a kind person. What I love most about her is her consideration. She never did anything without thinking about how it impacted on others. She was my best friend throughout our formative years and my soul mate and confidant." "These are words you shouldn't have to hear today. If you're here then you were going to be at our wedding next year and you would have heard a different speech. Much of the content would be the same but it would have been a speech filled with hope of a live lived together rather than a life lost." "Brooklyn was an illustrator, a daughter, a friend, my lover and Louis' mother. She was a natural mother and you will have heard our precious boy say his first word today. Every time I look at him," Sam said smiling at his son, "I see Brooklyn. He was conceived out of love and his life will be filled with love." "She pored her heart into everything she did. She was successful in her growing career because she cared. She didn't draw - she created images for children to love and remember forever. She was trustworthy and honest. She saw the best in people and created the best in me." "I've shared a few stories about her over the last few days, about how we started dating and fell in love, our getting engaged. You will all have your private memories of her, you'll all remember her smile, her laughter. One of my favourite things to do with her was to shout out words and she'd instantly spell them out for me laughing. 'Pharmaceutical', 'onomatopoeia', 'prospicience'! I didn't understand half of them but she would rattle them off. I'd demand a kiss for everyone she started getting wrong, but then I stopped doing it when she started spelling them wrong on purpose. She was intelligent and funny. She forgave when she was cross and we never went to bed on a dispute." "She opened her heart to me when we were at school. She was brave. She had a part time job working in a store the odd evenings. Ella, her best friend, told me she was saving for a new guitar for my birthday. I never saw that guitar. The Haiti earthquake hit and she donated all her savings to those poor families who had been devastated by that horrible event. Pleasing her boyfriend, or helping strangers in desperate need. That was her choice and I think I love her for this more than anything." "I love you Brooklyn, and although I hope Louis and I live a long happy life, I'll also be counting the days before I can see you again in heaven." Sam slowly walked away from the lectern, stood by the coffin and rested his hand on it. He kneeled and kissed it for the last time. Goodbye Brooklyn.