They shall love me.

2.1.18

I drink wine, unlike me, tonight, as a beautiful, gentle sleeping mask. It, and the sound of worship melody is gracing me into the next day. Eva-Rose returns to nursery tomorrow. After the fight to get her there against her will, i will have a mere 2 hours of freedom, and oh how freedom tastes so free even if given for a minute. Time does not factor into freedom. I just need enough to stand alone empty handed.

I have cried tonight. There is a man above me who has a bed to weak for him. He has taken a girl and made her happy. The walls shook. Is this how i really deserve to be christened for having taken the daunting, near impossible mission of moving out as a single parent, still sick, to a private let flat? 

I do not seek a man. I do however seek love. I know wherever i go, the chapel flame in me stops pilgrims in their tracks; those who i would least suspect beg time of me for long periods. I know i have those pilgrims and faithful blood surrounding me. But when for the days where i will leap with energy? Where the beaten track will have been made by mine own foot alone?? Oh Lord i petition thee. Without any burnt sacrifice to recommend me. Cept my own heart. I have tasted the bitter waters at Mara. I know and taste the dream also when i flee. Wont You let me flee, oh my God. To Petra.

Where the fountain of youth and flooding of grace will come so quickly to those who seek. I drink wine. It is my abated selfishness and my repentant communion, while i cling my tight fist around my world. I need to run. 

To run as i used to. To run far - over fallen trunk and running river, through thicket and field. Past the withered sheath.

Iona, beloved.