[hider=breakdown] [img]https://i.imgur.com/BGX57AR.png[/img] [color=580ACC]it's wednesday, the fourteenth, sometime in the morning after i hit cal up. i don't really give a shit.[/color] It was good that Emma was still asleep when she came back. It was so nice. She was so close to Emma. She could reach out and touch her, it'd be so easy. She was just thankful that she didn't have to say anything to her, not yet. She just closed her eyes, soaking in the comfortableness of the moment, a stark contrast to what happened on the rooftop only moments ago. She could lay here forever. Wished she could, too. [color=8A3DFF]"Det?"[/color] Determination's eyes fluttered open. She'd gotten really close to Emma, she hadn't even realized. Their foreheads were touching, but Emma pulled back. [color=580ACC]"Sorry."[/color] [color=8A3DFF]"Is, uh, something wrong?"[/color] Her voice must've given it away. [color=580ACC]"Eh. I, uh..."[/color] she had to lie but wanted to confess, so she went in between, [color=580ACC]"Had an awkward talk with Cal this morning. It's nothing."[/color] [color=8A3DFF]"With Cal...? Why were you...?"[/color] [color=580ACC]"Nothing. Really. Forget about it."[/color] Emma sighed. She didn't push any further, instead closed her eyes for a moment. [color=8A3DFF]"Mmmm. I don't want to wake up yet."[/color] [color=580ACC]"Yeah, same."[/color] Suddenly, Riley remembered something. [color=580ACC]"Heh. Kinda like New Years 2015."[/color] Determination shook her head. What did she just say? [color=8A3DFF]"Hu-"[/color] and suddenly it seemed that Emma wasn't so interested in sleeping anymore, shooting up out of the bed. [color=8A3DFF]"I'm gonna go get some breakfast. Go ahead and sleep."[/color] She left so quickly. [hr] Suddenly reality hit her. She shot up. Was this morning just a dream? You haven't dreamed once in your life. [color=580ACC]"Fuck, fuck, fuck."[/color] Determination's heart raced. No, you don't have a fucking heart. Emma was gone. Breakfast. Was that what she said? Good. She didn't want to see her anymore. She wanted to sleep. No, you don't sleep, not really. Bathroom. Bathroom. She had to use the fucking bathroom so bad. No, you don't have bodily functions, dumb bitch. She didn't need to pee, but she felt like vomiting. She flung open the bathroom door with no regard, sending it flying into the wall. No door stop. It left a hole. She bent over the toilet, her mouth tasted like bile but of course she couldn't vomit. [color=580ACC]"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck."[/color] What the fuck did you do? What the fuck did you do? What the [i]fuck[/i] did you do? She ran back out of the bathroom. Looked for something, something to break. Her foot found the trashcan, sending it flying, instantly cracking the wall and sending crushed balls of paper and empty cup noodles flying everywhere. Trash. You're trash. You're trash. [color=580ACC]"FUCK!"[/color] Think, think. How do you fix what you did? There wasn't any fixing it. She was so sure in the moment, so sure. It felt like the right thing to do. To beat Callan down, to make her feel like shit, how could she be so fucking [i]dumb[/i]? She was ruining things, ruining one of Emma's two positive relationships. [color=580ACC]"Fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, fuck, Emma, fuck, I'm sorry."[/color] No you're not. No you're not. You want her for yourself, that's what you're getting, that's why you did it. [color=580ACC]"FUCKING BITCH!"[/color] Her next target was the desk chair. She grabbed it, flinging it at the wall. Another crack, the chair split apart. [color=580ACC]"Why the fuck did you make me do that?!"[/color] The desk. She flipped the desk, sending Emma's journal and several loose papers flying. Good thing the laptop was left on the floor. What happened? Where'd it go wrong? Why couldn't Cal have the common fucking courtesy to lie to her dumb fucking face? It could've been so easy. Her fist found the wall. It flew through to the bathroom. [color=580ACC]"Haha, whoops!"[/color] Another fist, another hole. [color=580ACC]"Why the fuck didn't you realize Em?!"[/color] She turned around, kicking backwards, finding nothing but air. [color=580ACC]"WHY THE FUCK DID YOU DO THIS TO ME?!"[/color] She stumbled, falling to a knee. She didn't know how much more she could break. [color=580ACC]"I don't want to be Riley."[/color] Fuck, fuck. Did Riley hate being Riley too? She rushed to gasp in air, but she didn't have lungs. Her voice cracked. She was trying to cry, but she didn't have tear ducts. She thought she should be sweating right now, but she didn't have sweat glands. She was able to yell obscenities, but she wasn't sure how. She had no vocal chords. Her heart hurt, it hurt so bad, but she didn't have one. She grabbed her index finger and broke it. [color=580ACC]"Agh! Fuck!"[/color] The pain was real enough. Did that confirm that she was alive? How could someone with no soul, no heart, no brain be alive? She didn't have blood, instead inky blackness poured from her shattered finger. It would be gone by the time she regenerated. [color=580ACC]"Why the fuck am I feeling all these feelings?! I don't need this shit!"[/color] Why couldn't she be a big black emotionless blob? Why was she so fucking angry? Why did she want to trash the shit out of Emma's room? Why did she want to beat Cal's face in? Why was she so jealous of Marcus? Where did everything she was come from? Did Emma make it up? Did Emma want her to feel this way? To capture an image of a person that she couldn't see? Why the fuck did she love Emma so much? She was freaking the fuck out, spiraling down. How the fuck did Cal do this to her just by cowering when she yelled? Why couldn't Determination figure out who she was? Why was she so cold? She didn't have a hypothalamus to process body heat. What the fuck was a hypothalamus? Wh- [color=580ACC]"No, no, no, no, STOP!"[/color] Her thoughts ran a mile a minute inside an empty head, but she cut them off. She needed quiet. Quiet. Couldn't handle everything hitting her at once. What did Riley do? What did she do to stop it? She grabbed the pack of cigarettes from her pocket, lighting one. Outside. She smoked outside, Emma didn't like the smell everywhere. She took a desperate drag, hurrying outside, slamming the door shut behind her and taking off down the hallway. Another nervous puff. She got it. Something to fixate on. Chemicals that calmed the brain. But she didn't have the ability to process those ch- No, no. Another drag and she forgot. She willed herself into believing she was something she wasn't. She... She looked good. She felt good. New clothes, new Determination. She was so cool. People didn't want to mess with her, she looked so badass. She was smokin' hot, Emma fucking loved her. She shook down Cal for trying to hurt her bestie's feelings. That was right, that was justice. Cal wouldn't hurt her. Cal was a lil' bitch! She had super strength but she was so fucking scared of Determination. That was because Determination was way too good! Way, way, way too good! There was no fucking stopping her! Her finger hurt, but she didn't give a shit, she was Emma's DETERMINATION! And that was fucking perfect. Determination. No one would fuck with Em. Not Cal, not Marcus, not Zhang, not even fucking Dreamcatcher. She laughed. Erupted with giggles. She was so happy. Another drag and it felt good, not bitter like on the roof. It was like she was feeling things in four [i]fucking[/i] dimensions, and now that she was feeling good there was not stopping her. She just had to catch the feeling. Catch it, let it ride and suddenly wow, why was it so fucking [i]cool[/i] being Riley? Emma made a good fucking choice, huh? God, she was so fucking good she wanted to dance, so she did a little dance as she walked. She was spinning on all cylinders. Emma didn't need Cal. Emma didn't need Marcus. Emma didn't need Val. She didn't need her mom, she didn't need Frank, she didn't need her dad, she didn't need Riley, she needed Determination. That was it. She could do it all, she could- She caught herself, flicking the cigarette away. She had a room to clean, she realized. Didn't want Emma to have to worry about it. She'd need to make an excuse for the holes, but... Well, she could deal with it whenever Emma came back. [/hider]