24.1.18

I would rather not exist, and this is coming from someone who believes in heaven. I see heaven as being unfit for existence while any other alternate reality, dimension or parallel universe exists, geographically, or in state of conscious energy, where any form of non perfection exists. Heaven is not heaven where there is hell next door. For one who knows of hell, no measure of oxytocin, or justification of justice by endless torture is able to remove the knowledge that anywhere God is not, is acceptable. God created a multiverse that He gave free will to. And it has ... i don't comprehend this... it has chosen to break the law of perfection. I cannot comprehend God's curses on the land; that man should toil, and on women that they should lay in pain for a child. God Himself removed perfection and ordered pain. He ordered pain with His Old Testament law to stone people to death. He ordered pain to Jesus. And even after Jesus there is still pain. I... i would rather none of us existed than what God did to Jesus to pay for what we have done to each other. 

Jesus said "It is finished." But He also said the world would hate us as it hates Him. Us being those who submit to God. It will be finished when the lake of fire does not exist.

I write this in a positive mental state - nothing lurking behind my reasoning, but the average droll of life and it's nips. It is half 1. I have to get up tomorrow.

The wisest man on earth (who by the way, had 2000 wives without being stoned - which is a contradiction to the law is it not?), said "all is vanity".

I will wake up tomorrow and enjoy smaller things like my bleached hair colour, and... the feel of my fluffy rug under my bare feet. But after that i can only conclude i am not intelligent enough to feel purpose to the point of being connected to this matrix. I am no scientist, however much i congratulate the discipline science negates. I am no philanthropist or movement maker. I am of little use at the moment. I am not quite sure why i was brought into all this. Just to witness it. I am not interested in witnessing it. I don't need the rise of bitcoin. I don't need music. I don't need a loving family. I don't need anything but perfection. Which is why i aim for God.

And yet here we are, God has put me here on earth. To try to feel and think as best i can along the lines that other people do, until i'm gone.

"Cortana. How far away is Niburu?"

I believe God will change me. Somehow. Into the girl lumiere.

I don't deserve to be here. Neither did i deserve to be told to live out my droll life till then. Why either? Why both.

Dim vision. Veiled knowledge for reasons He doesn't disclose. I'd rather be a field mouse or better still... nothing. Where is my sight please.

Complete me or end me.