2.3.18

I sit in a modern, welcoming flat in the west coast of Scotland, in a post industrial town where nothing ever happens now. One day i'll get out, but for now, God keeps putting obstacles in my way. Or allowing them. Semantics. It is half midnight on a thursday, and Elderslie is being chased by "The Beast From The East". This Siberian snow storm has had us under its spell for days. It is supposed to last. Schools, facilities and transport have been cancelled for a while. People have abandoned cars and if they dare go out they buy basic supplies wherever they can find them, and home in when the blizzard strikes a peak; returning back out to talk to neighbours when it quells. Right now i hear that strange blustering, whipping and Vuooooooing, expressing just how cold and hostile it is outside.

Earlier today i ventured out on an errand for my ludicrous friend in the flat diagonally below me. She called to complain to me that her mother had brought her staple groceries. She said she didn't want sensible things. She wanted crap. So i went to buy her some. I trudged to the corner shop and spent £31 on shite. I am forever making cakes and buying sweets and chocolate bars that i stash especially for cupboard raiders that burst into my flat very often. They are like raccoons. My friend was very satisfied with my plunder. I remember a girl in the shop was resentful of my throwing money at such things as vimpto astro bands and burger bite puff crisps and chocolate bars and ice creams. "You must be OFF YOUR NUT", she hissed. She however probably puts money into things i only wish i could, like grand weekends out, cigarettes, clothes.. SECC Hydro gig tickets. My life is dull and quiet. Poetically confined. Don't tell me how to spend my sentence.

I bartered my wit and a snack with a man in the close across from me on my return, and in exchange of a tidbit from my mass of purchased crap, he vowed to pick me some milk up on his drive out. I sarcastically wished him luck on getting out at all. I'd spoken to him earlier while i was attempting to build an igloo. Next thing he was visiting my door and expressing interest in me. And later after that he even brought his daughter to me to introduce her to me. But this man is too old. He is succcessful - a broker. But this isn't what i look for. Where is the long hair? The beautiful charm and light footed playfulness? I seek youth. I seek vibrancy.

Later as the night drew in, i heard what sounded like a child outside, between the sucking and blowing of the snowy whirlwind. Concerned, i moved to the window. Why would a young child be out at 10:30pm in these temperatures? When i looked out i saw a grumpy looking woman slamming the back door of a four by four and getting in the front to drive. As she slammed the doors, something light flickered out and was caught into the air, unseen by them. She drove away into the lamplit distance.

I was fascinated. It was like American Beauty but even more captivating. This wrapper, or whatever it was, frolicked and flickered in the street lamp light, and fluttered through the air so elegantly. I smiled widely, watching it circle and fall; sweeping and lifting again to play higher at rooftop height, only to rest on the ground and swish to and fro once more. It was such a pretty sight. That would have been enough alone.

But then i saw it better in its resting position. It was a strangely perfect rectangle! Could it be? A ten pound note. The new latex plastic type? I believed it was, and so i felt a mad rush of risque and daring, and i decided to do the obvious. I left little Eva-Rose sleeping in her bed and i raced out wearing nothing but my dressing gown, to fetch that plunder. I trod shamelessly barefoot in the stacked up powdered mounds of snow, out onto the icy tire track rink of the road. I laughed and held my gown closed as i tip toed here and there, wondering if it was even still to be found. But there it was! Resting in a cleft of light snow again! I lifted it and kissed it and whispered "I got the money, bitch!" And then i was off the street like the end of someone's confusing hallucination. Reimbursement for the frivolous fun earlier? Who can say.

It is now 1:47 am and the wind is bleak... so bleak noone would survive sleeping rough. I worry for these on our streets. I feel like i've done nothing for them. If God could only move me to donate that note to the Glasgow city mission. If He could prize open my frost bitten hand/heart. I pray for that day when my thought becomes action. Meanwhile i have watched movies, feeling alone and undiscovered. Not even a virgin any more; i'm not the maiden i once was - hoping to find obscure love i could die for. I'm the slightly less desirable version now. I'm apparently still innocent and longing, only this time i have no dowry of mysticism and pale skin. Alright i do. But i tell you it's been touched and tainted and i feel like it is a chain around my neck for life. Like those medical army like keys people wear to warn others. "Damaged Goods".

I mention the time because.. between 12 and 1 am there were youngling adolescents straying up this semi main street on their treks home from the pub. I envied the sparce girls, outnumbered by their male friends. I watched, and hid, and waved back as drunk 20 something year old handsome boys fought and bickered and trooped past, morally rallying each other home. The wind wasn't so up then. I am jealous. I do not want milk errands from those who don't know how to sing and fall along snowy paths. When i bought from that corner shop, the amount of men that had come in to get their girlfriends cravings was ridiculous. And here i was doing it for another without being able to dream of ordering a valiant prince around. Hearing all those who even made it to the drinking hole, let alone managed to stay till the last bell made me jealous of their adventure. I'd do it. If i didn't have Eva i'd go out looking for adventure; chasing it like that fluttering note, with everything to gain. I need faces. I need beautiful faces. They feed me more than anything edible. 

I should go to bed. Just know i will lie and listen to the storm outside. I will try to tell myself that i'm lucky to have what i possess at present. But Lord knows, the muting silencing of this storm in our already nowhere town isn't enough to quieten me inside. It only makes my inner echo feel louder.

If the Beast From The East was made of flesh, it let his aggressive nature inside my door. He wouldn't need to fetch me anything to win me.