[@AngelofOctober]

[hider=response] Hmm.  I saw it more as being about the way they interact, but you're right.  I already had an emotional connection the the characters in the story Nev and I wrote; outside readers do not and thus while I can read more things into it, you guys can't.  If I'd had more time, or heard this beforehand, there's definitely ways I could improve it.

Of course, there's also the fact (as is mentioned later) that she was the inquisitor that tortured him for a period of a few months...but again, that's not said at the beginning, making things confusing.

So I will agree with you, we definitely need to remember what the audience knows and not try to hard to reveal it all later on.

For Edric's entrance, the idea is "you're not letting people in but I'm important here, you'll make an exception", instead of "I'll break down the door."  He's upset and angry, but these are people he knows, friends.

Leia is not as emotive as Edric.  She's composed, in most situations.  She prefers to keep her cool.  But she's also been a commanding and even threatening figure (and granted, I didn't pull that off well to start) but the idea was more seeing her reduced.  You quoted /his/ perspective, not hers.  She's not uneasy; she's resigned and leaning towards withdrawn.  She expects execution.  She snaps because she's under a lot of stress and it's wearing her control down, but she immediately backs off and apologizes.  There's indication that she was upset enough to cry, but the evidence is almost gone -- she got herself back under control and tried to concealed weakness.

This relationship is not an easy one, and it's not one either of them understands well.  There's a lot of mixed signals, and a lot of head vs. heart.  It's actually a relationship still in the formative stages, instead of one where they've been together for years.

A lot of your critique makes a lot of sense, but I seem to be zeroing in on the parts that don't fit right to me as a writer; apologies.  It's that kind of a night, I guess.  And you're giving good critique.

I think what I take away from this overall is to be more careful about the narrative flow, and remember the audience and what they do and don't know.

However, I also take away that the starting scene did some of what was intended.  There was an initial punch and then confusion -- which was part of the point.  That entire situation is a mess and most of the chars only have a fraction of the pieces.  Just need to tighten it up and keep the other points in mind.

<3

By the way, you are indeed in good company on the autism front.  *waves*[/hider]