So yea, I got done writing all of my reviews. Without further ado... [hider=We don't say goodbye] How you guys “pass the baton” to each other is a little shaky. To give you an example of what I'm talking about, look at this paragraph in the breakfast part of the story. [quote=Paragraph 4, breakfast] Noah began to crack up in hysterics, he was sure that his thoughts were obvious to no one. To him, Jeremy had a funny view on things about God’s data, and a great joke has come to mind: “Don’t you know God ignores most of his prayers?” He snorted and took a second to calm down. “No, Heaven’s Library would be perfect for you,” Noah said, sipping some coffee. [color=magenta]There was always a pro and con to seeing the future. The pro was seeing shitty people finally get theirs. The con was seeing things happen to people you love and care about. He knew Jeremy was going to die before Jeremy was dying. Today was going to be his big send off. His big day. He spent a year on this project, no project wasn’t the right word. A year making sure Jeremy had at least one person close to him. One person who cared how he left this Earth. Noah wanted Jeremy to have something to cherish.[/color] Jeremy couldn’t help but chuckle at Noah’s crack about prayers, but in turn settled down and sipped his own drink, observing Noah briefly in the silence that followed. [/quote] The purple segment is an entirely different idea that doesn't really lead into Jeremy laughing very well. It's a nice paragraph, but it would be less intrusive if it was added at the end of the scene instead of forced between Noah's joke and Jeremy's reaction. There are also a few sentences that could be reworded. Like... [quote=Last Paragraph, Breakfast] Kicking his legs a little underneath the table, restless sitting usually he continued to drink his coffee. [/quote] It feels like part of the sentence is missing. Even so, I would suggest putting the two different ideas in two different sentences. [quote=First Paragraph, Golf] It had always been a favourite pastime of Jeremy’s, and though Noah had suggested it was a bit boring for a final day, Jeremy had wanted to play one last game. [/quote] This should also be two different sentences. One describing golf being one of Jeremy's pastimes, and another detailing Noah's disinterest in the sport. Those types of odd sentence structures are peppered throughout the story. Be careful about overburdening a sentence in the future. As for the story itself, I liked Noah's character. I felt like I got to learn a fair bit about him, and some of his jokes were funny. Jeremy never really evolved past being a dying friend, but he was an alright contrast to Noah's character. He was different enough, but not so different that you couldn't see them as being friends. It was an interesting idea to split up the story like a bucket list, but each segment was the same aside from a few interactions. They laugh, they talk about some aspect of their childhood, and then the reader is reminded that Jeremy is going to die. It does start to get a bit redundant. I probably could have used some more details about Jeremy's life, or even how these two great friends came together. [/hider] [hider=A Primal Promise] The story opens up with this. [quote=First paragraph, First sentence] The Academy grounds, located atop a man made mountain cultivated by those born capable of controlling the world around them, spread out before him as Kano took his rest at the top floor of the main tower. [/quote] You could build a paragraph out of what's trying to be expressed here. It tries to say a lot but doesn't really say anything. Is it the mountain or the academy grounds that are spread out before Kano? How is the world being controlled? Are they like, politicians or are they more like mages? Nearly everything here is explained in better detail later on. This would have been a lot stronger if it was just Kano looking out. But this isn't the only spot where one sentence tries to do too much. [quote=Second paragraph] At the midnight hour only Kano, founder and Headmaster of the Academy, was out of sync. A purpose or sense of direction influenced a person’s ability to make difficult choices or decisions. So it always was that with the school grounds quiet his soul grew restless and forlorn. [/quote] Again, we're shoehorning information that is explained better later in the story. Another problem with the story is that it uses too many words to describe an action. While it's prevalent in the above quote, look at the below sentence. [quote=Third paragraph, Forth sentence] Thousands of string-thin strands of water danced through the skies at his command as they raced to his outstretched hands held to the sky. [/quote] The dictionary definition for a strand is “a single thin length of something such as thread, fiber, or wire, especially as twisted together with others. ” You do not need to describe a strand as being string-thin, as a strand is that by nature. Dancing is also a sort of graceful action, while racing is fast and direct. The water danced or it raced, it can't do both. Not at the same time anyway. Because you described Kano “pulling” the water, it probably isn't necessary to mention where his hand currently is. Have some faith in your readers, and leave the obvious details to their imaginations. Your word count will thank you. And then there are some sentences that seem to be entirely missing punctuation. [quote=Fifth paragraph, Last sentence] Balling his hand to a fist the rose shattered into countless shards of harmless flakes to be carried off on the wind. [/quote] Though I'd recommend tuning it into a few sentences, same with this next part. [quote=Seventh paragraph, Last sentence] Landing with a shade less grace than usual, he gathered up his drinking duffel, stowed his glass inside and set off in the direction of the Academy’s main building. [/quote] There are a lot of overworked sentences that would be more interesting if they weren't trying to do so much. There's also some ordering of information. It isn't clearly stated until much later in the story that Jorden is “Manilow” and the gym teacher. Hisui is also hastily introduced after she says something. But because she's a new character, her dialog is read as if it is one of the other characters speaking. Then she disappears as Jordan and Kano talk with one another. I'm not sure why she was included in the story, nor do I know why she was hanging out with the head master and gym teacher at such a late hour. Perhaps she was trying to...improve her grades? Lewd. The story is just two characters talking about themselves. It gets the job done, but it's not the most interesting way to learn about the characters. Some similarities can be seen between Kano and Jorden, as well as their differences. But two characters exchanging details about each other is a weak build up to the dark promise itself. [/hider] [hider=The inquisitor's chains] The biggest reoccurring flaw in how the story is written is run-on sentences. Here are a few. [quote=Part Four, Second paragraph] It was an empty title, now that he was no longer in any kind of military command, but these guys had been in his unit, back in the Freelands. [/quote] This is a simple fix. Just replace the second comma with a period and remove the but. Or you could use a semicolon if you're feeling fancy. [quote=Part Four, Third paragraph] He hadn't brought his cutlass, as much because he didn't want to arouse early suspicion by bringing a weapon to the dungeons as it was because he didn't think he could seriously use it against any of the rebels. [/quote] There's just too much information here. Try reading this out loud. [quote=Part Five, First paragraph] It was odd for Amuné to be the one uncertain what someone else meant by what they said, instead of being the frustratingly vague one. [/quote] Another information overload. This could be two or even three different sentences. Everything else was more or less in order There was a part where “difference” was spelled “different”, and “waif” instead of “wait.” but nothing really pressing that I could see. The story itself probably would have been a lot more interesting if I could see the rest of the story you cut this from. There's a rebellion, a king they oppose, but I guess they're working for the king now? Yet the imperials don't trust an inquisitor that was on the rebellion’s side even though the rebellion works for the king now? And now the former rebellion members don't like the former-probably-again-an-inquisitor because a spy was caught? And there's a lot of names being thrown around, an old elf, a body possessing sword who's only use is to control someone who would have wanted to help them anyway? And “Eddy” suffered for six months and it was really bad or something? There are far too many things going on in this contrived tale. Too many things not fully explained, and not enough emphisis on the characters themselves. I didn't really care about any of them. This story would have fared a bit better if it didn't try to branch out in so many directions. Maybe just focus one one point of view character and parts of the world that are important to the story. With a 7K word limit, you can't really squander your words talking about a body controlling sword that contributes nothing to the plot, as an example. [/hider] [hider=My Vote] While “The Inquisitor's Chains” Is the best written. My vote goes to “We Don't Say Goodbye.” I found their story and use of the prompt superior to the other entries. [/hider]