It wasn’t like Brendon had been pretending they were together or anything- he tried his best to be as strictly platonic as he physically could around Ryan, in fact, but his guard always seemed to slip and things like this happened- they were watching the sunset together, alone, Brendon’s head resting on Ryan’s shoulder and Ryan’s arm looped around his waist. These gestures alone probably weren’t strong enough to suggest anything, if the subtext and the tension wasn’t already there- the way Brendon kind of shivered, and Ryan’s eagerness to actually [i]touch[/i] implied more than they intended. Neither of them had much self control (even if Brendon saw it as a feat of incredible strength that he hadn’t just leaned over and kissed him yet). Distantly, he wondered if Ryan felt the same- Brendon wasn’t stupid, he could tell when somebody liked him; but still, there was some doubt in his mind that the emotion was mutually strong, and he didn’t want to look before he leapt. Then again, he’d always said that to himself, then always gone back on it.

Mostly it was this rejection that he was afraid of, even if he told himself there were multiple reasons why they shouldn’t feel like this, or at least shouldn’t be together. One, if they were public about it, nobody would ever leave them alone out of some weird curiosity or plain weirdness or some kind of ridiculous abuse that was always called no matter what; but if they kept it under wraps that would not only prove difficult but also completely suck. Second, what if the dynamic changed? Even when Brendon thought about a future where they were together, he had waking nightmares of changes in the system that had worked perfectly for his eight months in the band, maybe fights that forced people to pick sides, leading to a dramatic split or something along those lines... Brendon wasn’t usually a negative person, preferring to be optimistic, or even more preferably, just live in the moment, but this wasn’t any old decision to make.

It really didn’t help that every five seconds he got some compliment from Ryan, about his appearance or presence or voice or smile and now his apparent writing skills. Sure, he appreciated them deeply, played them on repeat sometimes, no big deal, but they were making it tremendously difficult to avoid that rush of affection, and that was hard to hide; a dust of pink always coloured his cheekbones, and his eyes always automatically sought to rest anywhere but Ryan’s eyes, because that would make the feeling even stronger. Brendon was a mess. He’d never been like this with someone he’d had feelings for before- but he knew this was different. Brendon was never nervous, really, but this really did get him on edge because they were always balancing between one world and another, not really wanting to commit to either, just in case it was either too late to change their minds, or something when drastically wrong. [i]Sure.  Your ‘rusty’ is probably still amazing.[/i] [b]”Shut up and kiss somebody else’s ass,”[/b] He said with a grin, not serious at all, his voice soft and gentle as he nudged him shyly in the side.

Suddenly, they had run out of things to say. Well, not really, Brendon could go on forever, but neither of them seemed to want to take responsibility for whatever happened next. He felt on the verge of something, and his heart was beating almost wildly. Plucking up the courage, he turned back towards Ryan, considering him for a second, weighing all of his options. There was always excusing himself from the situation, or using the rain as a getaway; there was continuing to talk vaguely about lyrics, there was just continuing to sit in silence and then there was the option Brendon chose, which was to reach out to retrieve his glasses but instead up with a hand curled around Ryan’s jaw and moments later, a kiss that Brendon could only describe as ‘finally’. For a moment, he was terrified Ryan wouldn’t respond, but then he felt it being returned and relief lulled him into comfortable security. He drew a thumb across Ryan’s cheekbone when he pulled back, eyelashes low over his eyes and his lips parted, suddenly certain of what he wanted.

[i]I think I’m in love with you, too.[/i] That was definitely the best news he’d received in a while. His breathless smile widened into a grin, and he almost couldn’t register that this was actually happening. [i]Actually, I am. I’m definitely in love with you.[/i] Brendon said nothing for a half second, caught up in Ryan’s eyes, and then just laughed softly. [b]”Fuck. Yeah, I’m in love with you. I love you.”[/b] His newfound confidence was evident by the now upright way he held himself, the hand still cradling Ryan’s jaw, his other hand curled around his waist. [i]We’re idiots.[/i] That earned him instant agreement. [b]”Damn right. Took us long enough.”[/b] Idly, but fully involved, he moved his hand down from Ryan’s jaw to hang onto his collar, and the hand at his waist moved a little further down to his hip. He let Ryan kiss him, eyes closing briefly again. 

[i]You have no idea how much I’ve wanted to do that.[/i] Brendon scoffed, opening his eyes again, searching his expression carefully. Of course Brendon knew. Wasn’t like he’d wanted to do it for months, wasn’t like the impulse was intense and suffocating and he finally felt like he could breathe around him. [b]”Try me,”[/b] Was all he said, squeezing Ryan’s hip gently and leaning up yet again, this time trying for a little more intense, even biting ever so gently on Ryan’s bottom lip and then moving to kiss at his jawbone. He could, again, get used to this.