[i]I know.[/i] Brendon stopped. Of course, this had been exactly what he had wanted to hear- that Ryan [i]knew[/i] how Brendon felt about him, that he loved him no matter what (even though his respect for his husband had kind of plunged in the short space of time it took for him to use their relationship as a vantage point)- but he didn’t feel any less angry, didn’t mean he wasn’t still hurt by even the accusations he knew deep down were baseless and futile. Even so, it kind of wounded his surety, and suddenly for the first time he was insecure about how affectionate and loving a husband he actually was. It hadn’t happened before, they’d always been on the same page, but now he was suspicious. Was this really just a heated in-the-moment low blow, that, however hurtful, had no meaning or malice behind it, or was it Ryan being honest, finally finding the courage to say what he really meant? Brendon knew, really, it was the latter, but even the notion had him a little caught off guard.

Brendon was about to say something, to try and mend the tatters of what he wanted to be a short conversation and then an agreement, but Ryan was [i]smiling[/i] and for the second time his anger surfaced as an expression of affronted indignation crosses his features, any wish to end the argument swept away by his astonishment at how Ryan was practically [i]smirking.[/i] [b]”Is this a fucking- [i]joke [/i] to you?”[/b] He all but spat, overcome by his bitterness but also wanting to get the hell away from his husband, drawing back in a gesture akin to a disgusted recoil. [i]I love you, you know.[/i] His eyes rolled skyward and then he narrowed them, wondering how on earth that was appropriate in this situation. Maybe before, but not now. The last thing he wanted to do was sing praise and affection. But he did know. Brendon didn’t need to be reassured that Ryan loved him, he needed Ryan to be assured that Brendon felt the same. The whole situation was a mess.

At least he wasn’t smiling anymore. Brendon was tired, but now he was being accused of glorifying his quote-unquote ‘personal tragedy’- and there was so much he wanted to get off his chest, and Ryan had never been a great listener when it came to this topic in particular, but- he didn’t care. If he didn’t say anything now, he’d just- ironically- bottle it up. So he let it all go on him, all usual apprehension for Ryan’s reaction gone, no longer caring about how he felt expected to walk on eggshells around a ‘sensitive’ subject that was mutually agreed taboo between them. Ryan would just have to deal with it. So he cut in on his husbands stuttering and said exactly how he felt, not holding back for somebody else’s sake. The whole time, he didn’t look at him, just scowled when Ryan dropped down beside him and only looked distastefully at him when he realised that Ryan couldn’t even look at him either. After he was done, there was a pause, and it was cold, and the feeling of repulsion he felt wasn’t one he had experienced before. He hoped to god it was temporary, but all he wanted to do then was get the hell out of there.

[i]And you can’t talk about it, ‘cause.[/i] At least Ryan was somewhat self-aware. Brendon nodded curtly. [b]”You’re not the easiest person to talk to about this shit. And I get it, but- who else do I have? All our friends drink, and Joey- he’s got his own problems, and-”[/b] He stopped, shaking his head. [i]I'm sorry, baby. I get it - just.[/i] He didn’t react, only wondered whether Ryan did actually get it or was just telling him what he thought he wanted to hear. [i]Touring is fine. Being on the tour ensemble is fine, I mean, you're right, it's basically all I'm doing now, so. It's just that... you writing that stuff by yourself... I don't want you to feel like you have to be alone, you know?[/i] At least... No. Brendon wasn’t sure what he wanted any more. He rested his head in his hands for a moment, before straightening slightly with a sigh. [b]”I do have to be, though, don’t I? Some of the stuff I have to say, you won’t want to hear. It’ll be too familiar, or not familiar enough, and it’s not your fault, but I can’t talk about this with you all the time, as much as I want to, or as much as you want me to.”[/b]

[i]I know it's not your main reason to want to make the music yourself. I - I hope you know that you don't have to push people away from the personal stuff, is all. I'm always here for you.[/i] Brendon almost sneered, but instead just dragged his hands down his face and stood up, walking towards the door and folding his arms protectively across his chest. [b]”Whatever. You have a funny way of showing it.”[/b]