Starting with Brendon's third admission to the hospital, Ryan started trying to convince himself that he'd been through it once, he'd do it again. Not really helpful, considering that the first time resulted in death, but. The process he was used to. Feelings, not so much. The thing is, he'd seen it all happening when he was a kid from a [i]kid's[/i] point of view. When dad disappeared for a few days, someone from work or from the hospital or a neighbor would call in, ask if he had anyone taking care of him, tell him his father was okay and he'd be home in no time (of course after the first time he told them he was home alone and child services didn't seem too happy with that, he just started lying). And he didn't recognize the signs of him being sick, either. When the whites of his eyes turned yellow it just seemed like a random peculiarity; when he was expelling blood every other day it was in the privacy of his own room. The drunkenness and the occasional violence was fairly normal, too, nothing that he had to deal with.

When he was 21 and his dad was dying and he had to come home to make sure the end was put off as long as possible, the sickness he observed was obvious; his pallid features, his jaundiced skin, the bleeding from no discernible wound... That and the fact that his dad couldn't even move towards the end, much less communicate with him. The difference between his final crisis and Brendon's supposed one was that everything was 10x more visible, and at least he could keep talking to Brendon so it didn't feel like he was just watching a silent movie play out. They could connect, so he wasn't just numb through all of it. Maybe that wasn't for the best, considering how much grief it was putting them through to not only watch everything get worse, but to have to watch it happen to the person you loved most (or, in Brendon's case, being watched by the person you loved most while you deteriorated. It seemed the one thing Brendon wouldn't want an audience for).

Anyway. Whenever he thought about it, compared the situations, one thought resounded in his head: [i]get over it.[/i] Years ago, and very different from Brendon's circumstances, so he had nothing to worry about. His dad drank himself to sleep for a much longer time... then again the sheer quantity during each episode, plus how many times Brendon tried going cold turkey or just didn't properly detox, plus generally not taking care of himself - it made up for time. He hurt himself too much to turn back completely, but Ryan still held out hope that he could at least get back to a functioning level. He knew plenty of people went about their normal lives whilst going through dialysis, but. Brendon had plenty of other organs failing on him, too. Ryan maintained some surface appearance of not being scared anyway, just always showing a certainty that they'd get good news some day rather than a new problem. It wasn't optimism, per se, but more him being fed up with the disease.

What bothered Ryan the most - ignoring every possibility that nurses suggested, every joke Brendon made about it, basically anything about death - was the fact that Brendon had to experience all this pain. The precursory stuff. Ryan generally strove to protect Brendon from any hurt (although, ironically, especially when they were younger he tended to be the cause behind it, at least for a short time), so to think that he was suffering and all of this was out of his control... harrowing. And if it just progressed into something worse, and he was going through the same shit he watched his dad go through that looked more painful than anything, Ryan wasn't sure he'd be able to handle it. Honestly. His only comfort for now was the fact that Brendon was at least a little numb to some of the symptoms thanks to medication, and anyway he wasn't active enough to hurt himself further. Ryan knew the horror stories of one tiny trip or fall ruining an alcoholic permanently.

Probably another one of the reasons he just didn't go home. Again like half his life with his father, he'd become Brendon's keeper, sorta. That role probably officially went to the nurses, but hey - Ryan came pretty close. When he got back from one of his brief trips away Brendon almost immediately tried to pull himself into a more alert position, to which Ryan kind of clung to the edge of his stiff bedding just in case something gave out on him. Turns out he was just paranoid as hell. [i]Not so hot.[/i] The amount of time it took him to put together sentences now was admittedly kind of terrifying, but the kind that Ryan was used to. Other than that he really hadn't expected a different answer... although this time something seemed more serious; the air felt oddly more intense. Ryan's encouraging smile faded a little.

[i]I, uh- I’ve been given an expiry date.[/i] Brendon was laughing. Ryan was pretty sure his heart stopped, ironically enough. The hand he'd set on the edge of the bed awaiting Brendon's felt cold, already empty, and he hoped if Brendon found it that easy to laugh then this was just another one of his dark jokes. [i]A month, maybe.[/i] Ryan stared at him, waiting for the 'just kidding,' or anything at all that would make his mouth less dry or bring sensation back to his limbs. Nothing followed, though. Frozen, Ryan didn't react at all for a straight minute, both unsure how and preoccupied with other, more chaotic thoughts.

Why didn't time just stop? Or be fair to them and let Ryan share some of his, or whatever. It was a nice thought. Of all people it seemed the most unjust that Brendon was going to - [i]might[/i] - be taken from him, from everyone, from the world. He had to live for himself first and foremost, but he also had so much to offer, so many people to meet, had. Ryan caught himself thinking in the past tense and realised he must have started doing that some time ago, now. Like Brendon had already gone, or like they were both dead. After all, if Brendon was going to go, then Ryan wasn't quite sure what he was meant to do with himself. Brendon's body may be failing him, but if he was gone altogether it'd be like Ryan lost an essential organ, too. He was very sure that he wouldn't be able to survive the loss. Hell, just like Brendon, he'd flirted with death back when they first separated.

And now here was only one of them who made it to the finish line. Supposedly. Ryan sat back and the only word that came to mind was, [b]"Bullshit."[/b] Kind of harsh. But not at Brendon's expense - it was definitely all aimed at the doctors again. [b]"No, that can't be right. Who told you... you really don't need to be hearing that, you know? It's bullshit. A [i]month.[/i]"[/b] Here was Ryan's initial approach as per usual: anger. Well, more specifically, frustration. He couldn't believe some doctor would say shit that's not even concrete, that they couldn't even back up, that at least half the time turned out to be a bad estimate. Half the time. Ryan thought about when he was told his dad could bear three more months, maybe, and then when he died three weeks later. And he was pretty sure he would be sick right now if he had anything at all in his stomach to throw up.

His irritated countenance, leaned back in his chair like he was too good to believe that, fizzled. His expression cracked first and then he sort of folded in on himself, torn between not wanting to be seen getting visibly upset for the first time in a long time and wanting desperately to hold Brendon as long as he could. [b]"A month,"[/b] he murmured, his tone completely different suddenly, more broken. [b]"Fuck. [i]Fuck.[/i]"[/b] Ryan dragged his face from his hands, miraculously not crying but white as a sheet anyhow. [b]"Brendon, they're usually wrong. That doesn't mean."[/b] He meant to say something like 'doesn't mean you're going to die,' but he didn't even want to say the word out loud, and his throat was closing up, kind of. He paused to breathe, thinking that the only person who could really feel it and confirm or deny the prediction was Brendon. So. [b]"What do you think?"[/b] Maybe he couldn't just [i]feel[/i] close to death, or, like, hear the Grim Reaper or anything dramatic like that. Ryan just wanted to disprove it as quickly as possible.