Just in time! [center][img]https://78.media.tumblr.com/f333a7853e9263eca3b484d2c56073d9/tumblr_p80ej1oYYX1w6599so1_500.gif[/img][/center] I was kind of busy this month, but I think I was able to write up some half-competent reviews. [@Mattchstick] [hider] Grammar was mostly on point. There were just a few parts where there was some odd phrasing. [quote] Not a single thing had happened in his life that he had not found a way to look over or around to it eventually dissipating. [/quote] Double negative, and dissipating doesn't quite sound like the right word. I'd also remove the “over” or the “around” to keep the sentence tight. [quote] All he had was a brown leather jacket and ragged pants, as he had left his own umbrella at home. The other fellow rolled his in a most rude manner and scurried away. [/quote] I get that “his” refers to “his umbrella,” but I still did a double take reading this one. I'm also not sure how one rudely rolls up an umbrella. Did he just shoot him an annoyed look? It might have been a bit [i]too[/i] silly at the end, but I wasn't bothered by it. I guess I'd have liked for there to be something that actually made his luck so incredibly rotten on this particular day. But the story itself definitely did what you set out to do, which was be hella amusing/funny. So thanks for that. It's not often text gets me to physically chuckle. [/hider] [@Calle] [hider] The story had a number of repeating grammatical errors, of which I've decided to grab the most notable examples to avoid redundancy. [quote] Songs sounded better when there was music accompanying the words and if, for whatever reason, he couldn’t sing he could still play his lute. [/quote] I feel like one strong reason for wanting to keep his lute dry is better than a number of small reasons. He's a bard, the lute is his life blood. You haven't actually mentioned he was a bard at this point, but this would have been a better time to do such. It's important to keep the reader engaged by not giving them too many pointless details. [quote] Mikhal, the travelling bard, continued down the path. There were some trees alongside of it, they didn’t seem like they would really shelter him from heavy rain. [/quote] Here's where you mention Mikhal is a bard, and only in passing. You then follow it up with trees that don't really add anything to the story or scene. It would be more acceptable if you were trying to build a vivid scene of the pass, but this felt tacked on. [quote] The thick cloak did a decent job keeping his body dry and his hat kept his head warm, but Mikhal had to admit this was one of the downsides of a travelling existence. Being cold and wet was something no-one wanted, himself included. [/quote] His hat keeps him warm... but he's cold? You have two different descriptions that don't work well together. It would be acceptable to say something like “As warm as his hat was, it couldn't stop his body from being chilled by the downpour.” [quote] He walked towards her and nodded politely, it surprised him how young she looked. [/quote] You can't really join two ideas that have nothing to do with each other with a comma. Her being surprisingly young has nothing to do with his nod. [quote] A water spirit in the shape of a beautiful, white horse and the person foolish enough to try and ride it, because it seemed so tame, would notice their legs got stuck on the back. [/quote] A run on sentence. There are many ways you could correct this one, either by shortining it or breaking it up into two-three sentences. [quote] “Maybe so, but I can’t change him. If he will find someone foolish enough to ride him, it will be his next meal. And he can hunt and eat fish in the lake, but I guess it’s not as nourishing as a human is.” [/quote] By the way bitch, you were one of those “foolish enough.” Kinda disappointed Mikhal didn't follow up on that. (not an actual remark on the story, just an observation) I find the biggest flaw with this story though is how things are explained. It's not done in a way that's very engaging as a reader. [quote] As the settled down, tasted the berries and drank fresh water, they talked about where they were from. It turned out Mikhal was right: Meria did come from the northern regions, known for its many lakes, plains and swamps, and lack of trees. Mikhal told her that he grew up in an inn that his parents run, but that he wanted to travel and perform and that it was the best decision he had ever made. He was happy, he had food and shelter most of the time and he had met a lot of interesting people, current company included. [/quote] This could have been an interesting scene, but it's written in a very static way. While your mythical creatures get to enjoy Meria actively explaining their rich lore to Mikhal, the characters themselves do not get the same treatment. Actually, that was something I noticed while reading this story. The only “infodumps” that were explained with any enthusiasm were the mythical creatures. Regarding the story itself, I think it's kind of odd that a sorceress who wishes to save a baby dragon/serpent has chosen to befriend a carnivorous horse. She's even crazy enough to let it run ahead and eat in a place where the baby dragon/serpent is suppose to be. I also found Mic a little overly trusting of a sorceress who walks around with such a dangerous creature, and doesn't seem to care if it eats people or not. How commonplace is magic in this world anyway? We're getting into small details like why a carnivorous horse likes eating bugs in the grass, but not the much bigger questions. And we'll never get to see them answered because it's a one shot story. [/hider] [@Vocab] [hider] Due to the horrendous format you used for writing the story, I was unable to make notes in my word processing software. So this is going to be a pretty light review. So let's start with the format. It's not technically wrong, but it's very unpleasant to read things without double spaced paragraphs. Maybe this is unfair to say, because it is a preference that I can't really back up with some sort of “fact.” but it's my review, and I'm going to continue to bring it up as long as it appears in your entries. I enjoyed the story, but I found the point of view character's inner voice inconsistent. He starts off swearing, and has quite a bit of, erm, “personality” that just sort of fades away in the second half of the story. The story was also perhaps a bit too short to show how this interaction positively affected the rest of his life. I could have used 3-4 more paragraphs just to see a little bit more. [/hider] [@Kalleth] [hider] Grammar was good for the most part. A few things though. [quote] “Go sit on an aurochs’ horn, Caraw.” Meldie hissed, stabbing down more angrily at the shovel. [/quote] I had to google Aurochs. While some wouldn't consider that a problem, I might recommend leaving a few clues as to what an aurochs is. In the next paragraph you do call it a beast of burden, but it comes a bit late. [quote] The last thing she wanted was for this creep to see her toiling in her exarchiver’s robes, which were far too loose in the front to keep the wearer cool during the hottest part of the day. [/quote] Wouldn't a loose fitting garb be cooler than one that snugly fit? You even write later on that their outfits are not very revealing. [quote] It was true, he was enjoying the view that Meldie’s loose robes afforded him, but a better part of his bitterness came from having genuinely wished for a place to be alone. [/quote] I'm not sure Meldie’s clevage has anything to do with his bitterness. This should be two different sentences. [quote] Meldie was breathing heavily despite herself and she squeaked in terror when she felt rough hands reach around her to grab the shovel. [/quote] Again, we have two ideas that have nothing to do with each other. Meldie was breathing heavily, then she was startled. You [i]might[/i] have been able to get away with a comma and some rearranging, but creating two different sentences might work better. Though perhapse the most elegant solution is just to remove that she was breathing heavily, as you've already established how tired she is. Next one is a perspective shift mid-paragraph. [quote] “Thank you, Caraw.” Meldie’s voice sounded so soft that Caraw had to swallow before he could face her. When he turned around to meet her gaze, she had already turned away to her hole, employing the technique he had shown her. The man, only a year older than Meldie, threw his hands in the air and sat back on the edge of the sand hill. His hair was tousled by a light wind, that tasted of sharp cold, of the kind that bit into his cheek. The soft thumps, and shearing tugs of the shovel into the earth were all that he heard, aside from Meldie’s shortness of breath. She could feel her lungs burning, with the lifting and the stomping giving her some sense that she could stomp and wrench her problems out of her life. [/quote] I would argue that you should never see a scene from more than one perspective, but that's a pet peeve of mine and trends are starting to change. Head hopping was formerly frowned upon, and now it's okay to do. However, it's very confusing when you do this mid paragraph. You need a break of some kind if you're going to pull this off. [quote] The real tragedy of those last days of summer, was that nobody ever noticed how frequently excarchivers went missing in Maradûn, and that none ever came back. The rain stole them up and away from the homeland in the hills, and cast them into new worlds, always alone and without anybody to guide them. Until now. [/quote] I kind of felt cheated when the disappearances came up now and weren't hinted at until it happened. Also, a bit surprised her dad would let her do something that could make her daughter disappear. [quote] Meldie, for her part, had turned redder than a rûthfruit, and was sincerely hoping Caraw was a blind as she was. [/quote] Google didn't tell me what a rûthfruit was, so I think it's made up. You are allowed to make up your own fruit for a fictional setting, but it might be more effective in a situation like this to just state something the reader actually knows. [quote] “I’m making clothes, idiot. Didn’t they ever teach you how to do that, idiot?” [/quote] Meldie is a tsundere, that is all. (not an actual issue with the story) [quote] There in the shadows of the grove, the beginnings of a bond had begun to take shape. Even as foreign eyes were drawn from miles around to the light of an unshielded campfire, and a reign of a much different and more deadly kind, was on the cusp of falling... [/quote] that does not sound like a silver lining. Dat tiddy grab doh. Dat was amazing. Um, but yea, I didn't really feel like the story went anywhere. Our hapless tsundery princess and male protagonist get transferred to another dimension. I guess they maybe realized they had feelings for each other? But I kind of felt like things were already moving in that direction when he helped her shovel. Ultimately, it's a one shot for a story we're never going to see the end of. Oh well. [/hider] [@Dusksong] [hider] The grammar and word stuff is pretty spot on. But I would have preferred quotations or italics to make Sophie's thoughts easier to identify. I had difficulty with the below passage for this reason. [quote] Plu, though, hates the rain, Sophie thought in amusement. And rightfully so—keeping him from heading out ought to be a crime. [/quote] Also, you need to be careful with the em dash. It's a powerful tool that can be used to create a pause like a comma, or create emphasis like parenthesis. But because it's so multitalented, it's not a good idea to have more than two in a sentence. [quote] From the edge of the patio door, her eyes skimmed over the empty armchair—on which Pluvius often sat, staring out the window—and vacant couch—where Sophie had seen him on many a rainy day, cuddled up amongst the cushions—and she wondered where he was napping today. [/quote] It's hard for a reader to tell what the em dash is suppose to be doing here. That, and it's a bit of a run on sentence. [quote] It’d physically hurt to leave Pluvius behind, yes, and though the video calls did little to help—Pluvius looking wildly around for her when the mic produced her voice in staticy imitation, thoroughly confused by what he couldn’t understand to see—he was waiting for her when she got back, a bit less lustrous but no less loving, all purrs and adororant nudges. [/quote] Another run-on sentence. Also, I'm not sure adororant is a word. But don't quote me on that. I liked the story. I probably would have prefered the story to be a bit more active. The entire thing is more or less a girl recalling memories of her pet. But it was told very well, and I'm hard pressed to find anything inherently wrong with the story itself. Thanks for sharing. [/hider] [hider=my vote goes to...] Silver linings. A quality entry that made interesting use of the theme. [/hider]