The holiday season was always my favorite time of year because all the relatives would visit our house including my fat, narcoleptic uncle Mike. Uncle Mike would drink a lot and fall asleep on the couch watching HBO. He'd also snore really loud so you could never actually hear the TV. Back then, HBO would have softcore porn on really late at night, but I was never allowed to stay up anywhere near late enough to watch it and even if I could, my parents would hear the TV on and find out. With Uncle Mike sawing logs all night, nobody had any idea that porn was on TV. I waited until about 2 in the morning when the adult programming started. I just kind of stood there behind this Lazy Boy rocking chair my uncle was sleeping in, furiously rubbing my crotch. 

One year, just before online video sites started taking off and online porn really became accessible, I was doing my holiday jack attack behind the couch and without any warning at all, Uncle Mike gets up from his chair to go to the bathroom. He caught me completely by surprise, and I had no time to try to run away and hide. He saw me just standing there, with a white-knucke grip around my half-flaccid junk bulging from my pajama pants. He just looks at me, turns back to the TV and sees the almost-muted lesbian shower scene playing on the TV.

Uncle Mike just said something like "Should'a told me you liked this; I would have brought the good stuff from at home."

I said something like "Oh, cool. Thanks Uncle Mike," and went straight back to my room. I was afraid he'd tell my parents and they'd flip out and take away all my Christmas presents, but he never did. 

You're alright, Uncle Mike.