The truth is, the answer is no. I'm not doing fine. I'm not okay. I can't sleep. I don't hardly eat anything anymore. I don't leave my house unless I am forced to. I talk to maybe two people on a daily basis, and even then its only for maybe five minutes. I don't want to talk to or be around anyone. I want to stay locked in my room, with the lights off, laying in bed all day. I lay awake at night trapped inside my head staring at the walls and the cealing. The thoughts that go through my head, I would never dare to tell anyone. Part of that is because I'm scared, the other half is because I wish to protect them. 

The people that I would tell this to have their own problems and responsibilities to sort through. Why would I want to bother them and make them potentially worry about me more than they already do? I've thought about doing something irreversably stupid so many times. They tell me that it will be okay, but of course they'd tell me that. Their mind isn't trying to kill them. I just simply don't see the point in living anymore. I dissapoint everyone around me. I'll never live up to their expectations. I know that I shouldn't be trying to be who others want me to, but... I just want to make everyone happy. I don't want to be here anymore. I'm done trying to fix myself. I've tried for what seems like forever to do so, and it never works. I've just given up on everything and everyone - especially myself. I've been telling myself for what seems like forever that it'll get better, and all I'm doing is shoving a lie down my throat. Things don't get better. They get worse and worse and worse until you eventually hit rock bottom and then you're just stuck in this permanent state of Hell and you feel like there's nothing you can do about it. 

You go online and you research and you know you're not the only person that feels numb day in and day out, but you still feel alone, like you're the only one. You do research on all these things that you can do to fix yourself, and none of them help. According to most, depression is a choice. I never chose to feel this goddamned way. My parents look at me and tell me they have no idea who I am anymore. Guess what? Me either. I lost myself a long time ago. Everyone wants me to smile, and laugh, and be happy all the time and I just can't do that anymore. I just... I know this probably just sounds like a bunch of random thoughts, and it is, but there's just so many things that I want and need to say to someone - anyone - and, well... you've been asking me.