I normally wait with getting back to reviews until more people had a chance to read it, because I don't want to explain things before people formed their opinion about it, but I want to comment on this one now. [quote=@SleepingSilence] So I’m not going to do full reviews for these. For reasons of I might end up just coming off too harsh (for far too long.) So keeping it very brief, and I will be trying to provide examples. So it doesn’t look like blind and empty criticism [hider=The quest for the Golden Fish by Calle] Another “Wah, Wah, Wah” story. But this time I feel like I have a fundamental problem with how this story was told… Basically five fisherman, need to get a fish that will grant them fame and fortune. So obviously have long careers, love their job and want to do this quest. Then four go away for mundane and boring reasons and the five ends the gag he forgot his stuff ending in an anti-climax. I guess it’s mildly humorous, but it literally feels like I wasted my time reading at the end. Just leaves me stabbing at plot holes inside a silly story… If you wanted the anti-climax thing to work and be more effective, wouldn’t it had been more interesting for the quest to be super dramatic and serious for the previous four to give up? Going through a treacherous storm over the water, a man falls overboard and had be be thrown a life vest. Another gets so ill, that he’s sent back on a boat. Whatever. Just anything to make the “Shit, I finally got through and went through all of that and I didn’t bring my fishing pole!” That makes the cruel irony that much stronger... Also, not to do direct comparisons. But the story goes over so many of the same locals as mine does. But yours is very simple and not very complicated in terms of descriptions. Something we were asked to flower up a bit. Since the story is so short, obviously you couldn’t. But you could have, because unlike previous contests. This had no word limits. Let me take the “forest scene” as an example. From yours, than mine. [i]"They walked through a thick forest, the leaves on the branches kept the path hidden from the sun. Only when the wind blew strong enough would the leaves allow small openings through which the rays of the sun found their way down, until the openings closed again. The thick bushes on either side of the trail seemed impenetrable. The forest itself was full of life, insects buzzed, birds twittered and chirped, and a bear roared."[/i] Not a whole lot left to the imagination, with very dry explanations. [i]"Ross carried the red cyclamens; a dozen bundled together like the battle scars bared on his bare back. Matching the amount of mosquito bites branding his knees. The tropical temperature towered tall as the kapok trees, as sweat drooled from his forehead. Like the unknown creature creating horrendous huffing noises, creeping closer while concealed beyond the creepers. Paranoia could only pray was watching something else’s every step. Elbowing checking the low hanging branches, blocking his march through the mud. Stopping to spot a brightly colored bird, perching on the opened plant’s pink surface, drinking from the nectar oozing out. Its carnivorous maw snapped shut; silencing shrill squawks. He related to the prey; shrouded from the sunlight, surrounded by an unpleasant unfamiliarity and swallowed whole by the depths of this dense jungle."[/i] Can you see the difference? Ignoring the wordplay, vocabulary, alliterations inside the actual writing. Does that still not paint a more vivid and interesting picture in one’s head? I guess that’s for you to decide. And I’m sorry, there was no other way to properly express my thoughts about this sentence... [color=fff79a]“But the fisherman loved to eat fish.”[/color] You don’t say? The [b]fisher[/b]men whose entire job it is to fish. (Which in the previous sentence already implies their fish related quest will be used for food, which was described as “sweet” tasting. Which is already associated with pleasantness. With the following sentence explaining they don’t just eat fish, they eat “all” the fish.) Just so happens, that these [b]fisher[/b]men actually like [b]fish?[/b] [/hider] [/quote] [hider=my response to the feedback] Thanks for taking the time to review. The fact all the fishermen dropped out for mundane and boring reasons could have prepared you for a mundane and boring ending. I tried to be consistent with that. I admit I knew the anti-climax wouldn't be appreciated by some and that it could leave the reader unfulfilled. There were several endings I had in mind, but I considered this one the most consistent with the rest of the story. In none of the endings the last fisherman would be successful I might add, but in the other endings the fisherman died so that didn't work. The ending 'he caught the fish and went home' was an option of course, but I decided to let him return home without reaching the goal like the others. As for the more dramatic events to have a cruel irony in the ending, it didn't fit with what I had in mind for the story. Now, I don't know what a 'wah wah wah story' is, but maybe the fundamental problem you had with this entry was exactly what is was supposed to be. My aim was a simple story, a folktale/fairytale like story, maybe even a child's tale. The repetition in it by counting down the fishermen with the same sentence was a clue for that. I don't know if you read many of such stories, but most are rather simplistic as far as storytelling goes and I don't think I read any with flowery descriptions of the scenery. Aside from that, I'm not good at flowery descriptions of the surrounding area, nor do I personally care for an overly long description of what a place or a thing looks like. I tend to lose focus when I read a lengthy description of a scene, especially when I have to read it from a screen. I write in they way I like to read stories, which I think every writer does. None of my stories have flowery scenery, so I guess it's just my style to give simple and short descriptions with a few details and let the reader image the area for themselves. I don't use elaborate language to get the point across, my stories often are "very simple and not very complicated in terms of descriptions" as you put it. Some people like that style, others don't. For a story in another writing contests I got the comment I wrote just enough about a creature to allow a picture to be formed and the reader loved that. Another person mentioned they loved my concise way of writing for yet another story. I feel like that when I try to be more elaborate and be a bit more flowery that I go wrong, because then a lot of redundancy is added. Like in the previous contest with the rainy day, I actually tried to have that story written in a more flowery and maybe poetic way, the way a bard could tell it, since the main character was a bard. Giving the feedback you gave me there I failed with that story as redundancy and repetition seemed to be big issues. And in this entry the more detailed description apparently comes off as dry, but at least I managed to avoid redundancy and repetition and I was "descriptive of the characters' surroundings" as the prompt stated. Another problem is a limited vocabulary. I know all the basic words, but I often don't know their elegant synonyms. I'll use the example from your story that you used to compare our forest scenes to explain. [i]"like the battle scars bared on his bare back"[/i] I never would consider using scars baring on a bare back. I would say the scars 'show' or 'were visible' on the bare back. Or just say 'back', because the showing of scars implies the back is bare. In your review of my previous entry you mentioned the repetition of words, redundant words / sentences and how they should be avoided, so this sentence makes me wonder in what situations are things redundant and when do they add to a descriptive scene? [i]"as sweat drooled from his forehead"[/i] I didn't know sweat could drool from a forehead, I would use 'ran down', or maybe just say he was sweating, because I assume people know what sweating is. [i]"The tropical temperature towered tall as the kapok trees, as sweat drooled from his forehead. Like the unknown creature creating horrendous huffing noises, creeping closer while concealed beyond the creepers. Paranoia could only pray was watching something else’s every step."[/i] This part confused me, I couldn't follow it and had no idea what was really going on, aside from the fact he was sweating because it's warm and he hears a creature? I'd most likely just write 'it was hot' instead of 'The tropical temperature towered tall as the kapok trees', because while I know trees can be tall, I have no idea how tall the kapok tree is. Also, I wouldn't have thought about using 'temperatures towering tall'. I'd use 'temperatures rose', because I thought towering tall is more reserved for tall buildings and trees, and not for temperatures. [i]"Stopping to spot a brightly colored bird, perching on the opened plant’s pink surface, drinking from the nectar oozing out. Its carnivorous maw snapped shut; silencing shrill squawks. He related to the prey; shrouded from the sunlight, surrounded by an unpleasant unfamiliarity and swallowed whole by the depths of this dense jungle."[/i] That is very elegant, a very nice way to describe how he feels in the jungle, but I could never come up with that. I would have made it simpler. Like "He stopped to see a brightly coloured bird, drinking from the nectar of a beautiful flower. Suddenly the flower shut its jaws (...)" So that's where we differ. Or maybe I'm just a mediocre writer who uses simple vocabulary and basic descriptions and who will never reach your level of eloquence, because the descriptions I used were to the best of my ability. It's important to know our limitations though, so thanks for pointing it out. Since you asked, I wasn't able to paint a more vivid and interesting picture in my head of the scene the way you described it. You did put in a lot of effort in it and I appreciate that, but I didn't realise they were in a jungle until you mentioned it at the end, so I had to reshape the image that had formed. Even the tropical temperature mention hadn't prepared me, because while I don't live in the jungle, temperatures here are sometimes referred to as 'tropical' when it's really hot. And with that confusing part with the unknown creature and paranoia I couldn't do anything, I could tell you did your best to describe it eloquently, but I had to read that paragraph several times to somewhat understand it, so that didn't help painting the picture. The part with the bird and flower was really clever though. It would have been easier if you had mentioned the jungle in the beginning and add to the scenery as you went on. I have to say this, it is possible that people who fish professionally do not like to eat it, those people catch and sell and use the money to live. It's also possible that fisherman who live off fish and get disgusted by eating the same thing over and over again. So yes, I explained they like fish, and then added to that the fact they had eaten all other kinds of fish, which gave the extra motivation to after the Golden Fish. I didn't specify their background or the reason for being fishermen, because such background details are usually not added in the kind of story I wanted to write here. What I really would like to know is if there were there technical errors? Grammar, tense, run-on sentences, commonly confused words I confused? Grammar was often a point of feedback in the past, especially the commonly confused words, and my main concern if how I'm improving in that aspect, but I appreciate everything else you told me. It's just as important to know how people view a story. Edit, I'm sorry this got so long, I guess I felt the need to explain myself properly. [/hider]