[quote=@Calle] Thanks for taking the time to review. [/quote] Thanks for taking it in stride. Hopefully I came across fairly. [quote=@Calle] The fact all the fishermen dropped out for mundane and boring reasons could have prepared you for a mundane and boring ending. I tried to be consistent with that. [/quote] I sort of figured that would be the explanation. Though did you find the story mundane? Like a conversation you'd have with the misses about how'd your day went at work. Is that the style you wanted your story to go? Did you feel that your fairy tale story was satisfying? Or did you write it intentionally anti-climatic and unrewarding for a purpose? I don't mean to ask that in any particular way, but that seems to be what you're expressing. And I just wanted clarity... You usually want to enthrall a reader in some way. Where do you think your story had it's greatest strengths? [quote=@Calle] Now, I don't know what a 'wah wah wah story' is, but maybe the fundamental problem you had with this entry was exactly what is was supposed to be. I admit I knew the anti-climax wouldn't be appreciated by some and that it could leave the reader unfulfilled. [/quote] https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=pnNtzLJwVlw Basically answers the question. It's basically a straight forward story, that has one long running theme and ends on a gag. That would end on that kind of sound effect. I mean anti-climaxs can work (I mean granted I dislike them regardless.) but if it's built up properly it can subvert expectations...but frankly I called that would happen from when this fisherman stopped his desires for fame and fortune because of a stubbed toe. If it wasn't meant as a joke...you then have to question how does it make any logical sense? [quote=@Calle] I don't know if you read many of such stories, but most are rather simplistic as far as storytelling goes and I don't think I read any with flowery descriptions of the scenery. Aside from that, I'm not good at flowery descriptions of the surrounding area, nor do I personally care for an overly long description of what a place or a thing looks like. I tend to lose focus when I read a lengthy description of a scene, especially when I have to read it from a screen. I write in they way I like to read stories, which I think every writer does. [/quote] Well most things I read actually tend to have far more prose than I do. But we probably read different material based on tastes anyhow. But it's fine if it wasn't your strength. But it was directly suggested in the rules of the prompt, if you weren't comfortable with doing it, there's always another prompt. And I personally like to challenge myself when I'm writing these prompts. Because it's not just for me. But I can understand that logic. Another suggestion in hindsight since you wanted it to be a straight forward tale, and it does kind of seem like a fable (without the moral or symbolism. Not saying either is needed for the record.) Perhaps, if you rhymed your sentences? Just a little extra something to make it feel a little more whimsical, it was a fantasy story after all. I guess it always come down to personal taste...(I usually don't write so flowery myself. But believe me, it required effort and editing on my part to achieve it. Because I didn't want to settle for my standard.) [hr] [quote=@Calle] I'll use the example from your story that you used to compare our forest scenes to explain. [i]"like the battle scars bared on his bare back"[/i] I never would consider using scars baring on a bare back. I would say the scars 'show' or 'were visible' on the bare back. Or just say 'back', because the showing of scars implies the back is bare. In your review of my previous entry you mentioned the repetition of words, redundant words / sentences and how they should be avoided, so this sentence makes me wonder in what situations are things redundant and when do they add to a descriptive scene? [/quote] So "like the battle scars that were visible on his back." (Ironically that makes the sentence longer, which isn't really shortening it at all. But I'll defend, why I would not change it to that...) Every sentence and word needs a purpose to add detail to a scene. If you didn't notice, most of that sentence started with the letter 'B'. That is intentional and spread throughout my story. Those are called alliterations. If I made those changes, it would no longer have similar consonants. Plus, that is purposeful word play for similar words. But is not the same word, nor is it describing the same thing. Baring was about the scars being obvious across his back. But the bare back, implied he was topless. You're sentence does not carry the idea he has no shirt, it implies if he -wasn't- wearing clothes. You could see his scars. (Or maybe that the clothes were tattered to a point, you could see scars on his back.) I hope the combination of wordplay and attempts to keep as many alliterations in my story as possible, makes sense on why I'd use -similar- words and how that it's quite the same redundancy I brought up before. Where if you changed the word, nothing would matter. [hr] [quote=@Calle] [i]"as sweat drooled from his forehead"[/i] I didn't know sweat could drool from a forehead, I would use 'ran down', or maybe just say he was sweating, because I assume people know what sweating is. [/quote] The drool is not merely suppose to define the sweat itself, like I wrote "he sweated moisture" That's prose not quite meant to be taken literally. It's a descriptor signifying the -amount- of sweat. (Imagine armpits 'drooling' sweat like a leaky faucet. That's a lot of sweat. :P) Shows the heat and the amount of strain its putting on his body being in this jungle. (I also didn't actually ever specify that Ross was human or not. So maybe you could interpret it literally and assume it's a different species. There -are- giant snake people that play poker after all... It also directly connects to the creature literally drooling that was stalking after him, which you could almost see transition in your head. Imagine a sweat pouring from the forehead, to a beast staring at its prey with an opened jaw drooling. Least I can, and that's what was intended. [quote=@Calle] [i]"The tropical temperature towered tall as the kapok trees, as sweat drooled from his forehead. Like the unknown creature creating horrendous huffing noises, creeping closer while concealed beyond the creepers. Paranoia could only pray was watching something else’s every step."[/i] This part confused me, I couldn't follow it and had no idea what was really going on, aside from the fact he was sweating because it's warm and he hears a creature? I'd most likely just write 'it was hot' instead of 'The tropical temperature towered tall as the kapok trees', because while I know trees can be tall, I have no idea how tall the kapok tree is. [/quote] You said you don't understand it, but yet you basically perfectly explained what transpired in that scene. XP (The first sentence, describing the heat and his sweating. Which paralleled to the stalking predator creature following him while hidden from sight. Could you not guess whose paranoia that is? And what it means that he hopes the creature is tracking anything else?) https://www.123rf.com/photo_18976646_thick-jungle-canopy-with-creepers-hanging-from-banyan-trees-in-ubud-bali-indonesia.html What "creepers" are. Okay, again notice the amount of "T's" in that sentence. That is on purpose and there's more than one thing that sentence accomplishes. Than just putting "it was hot..." Also, the critique that I should edit something solely because you -personally- don't know something. Is quite silly, because many writers clearly don't follow that advice for a reason. Many want to teach people concepts and themes, they wouldn't think about on their own. I don't think it was too abstract to understand the idea behind the passage even if the exact words weren't known. But it's not like I choose that tree haphazardly. Kapok trees are specifically jungle/tropical rain forest trees. It not only happens to be 200 feet tall, which allows the temperature rises that high be an exaggeration that makes a clear point. But it also gives a context clue about the setting. Where as "trees" wouldn't do the same. https://www.rainforest-alliance.org/species/kapok-tree [quote=@Calle] [i]"Stopping to spot a brightly colored bird, perching on the opened plant’s pink surface, drinking from the nectar oozing out. Its carnivorous maw snapped shut; silencing shrill squawks. He related to the prey; shrouded from the sunlight, surrounded by an unpleasant unfamiliarity and swallowed whole by the depths of this dense jungle."[/i] That is very elegant, a very nice way to describe how he feels in the jungle, but I could never come up with that. I would have made it simpler. Like "He stopped to see a brightly coloured bird, drinking from the nectar of a beautiful flower. Suddenly the flower shut its jaws (...)" So that's where we differ. Or maybe I'm just a mediocre writer who uses simple vocabulary and basic descriptions and who will never reach your level of eloquence. [/quote] But I probably didn't need the word 'carnivorous' in there. Since it -ate- a bird. (Nobody is perfect.) I'm no writing genius. These words certainly didn't all flow straight to the page, without me pausing and straining to come up with words with the same consonants throughout the story. I can barely stop myself from writing run-on sentences or 180% too hard and writing fragments instead. I think anyone could genuinely write like this with enough desire and effort to do so. But not everyone needs to write like that, just find your voice and what you're good at doing... I've written utter crap before, I'll do it again. And I've never been under the impression that I can't improve every single time. But that's the only way one can get better. I don't comment on others punctuation unless blatant and prevalent, because I consider myself outright garbage at that. It's also a lot less fun to correct such frivolous, but vital things in stories. (So if you're wondering why I avoided such details...now you know.) [i]Plus I read all the stories at once, aloud to my roommate to pass the time in the laundromat. So I didn't have my computer, to start and stop while nitpicking every sentence. Which is why these focused on general concepts, opposed to picking it apart. [/i] [quote=@Calle] I have to say this, it is possible that people who fish professionally do not like to eat it. [/quote] Heh. Well, it started out as a mere humorous quip of the obviousness of said statement. But actually when I examined the context of the rest of the sentences, as I explained. You still didn't actually need to mention they actually enjoyed their hobby. Because of the clues of the quest itself. Wanting the golden fish for food, describing it's sweet taste, and explaining that they've eaten every type of fish there was. So my own admittance to that just striking a personal chord. XD I'd just objectively argue that there's even context clues that it wasn't needed. Or maybe their fondness of seafood, could have been described in a more playful way. Like if the fisherman sang a tune about their love of fish. [i]Who doesn't like singing? ;3[/i] [quote=@Calle] I'm sorry this got so long, I guess I felt the need to explain myself properly. [/quote] Not at all, I hope my explanations made sense and cleared up the confusions you might have had.