[@Calle] [hider] There were some phrases that didn't flow very well. As an example, “Mosquito’s saw in them an easy meal” could be changed to to “The mosquitoes saw an easy meal.” You also didn't use the plural form of mosquitoes in that particular example. There weren't a lot of errors, but with it being so short, they become that much more critical. As a joke you might tell a group of friends, I think it did its job. As a contest entry, it felt very low effort. The descriptions were brief. the fishermen had no real character to speak of. You get the idea. Those fisherman could have had a lot of interesting conversations about their scenery, but not a single word of dialog is spoken. Not to the reader, anyway. [/hider] [@vocab] [hider] The formatting of the story is much easier to read this way. And I hope you continue to use it. Unfortunately, this is still going to be a light review. With so many “intentional” spelling and grammatical mistakes, trying to review those aspects of the story would be an exercise in futility. I suspect while reading I was suppose to come up with my own theory of what “Noman” was. But there weren't enough hints. Or maybe there were, but it just became too tiring to read the story while trying to figure out what was going on. I think a lot of the descriptions would have been more interesting if Noman's inability to understand the world was more subtle. As-is, there's very little to work with. Between Noman's confused sense of self, inability to identify his surroundings, and “something” tampering with his records, there's no sure footing for the reader to take hold of. [/hider] [@Briza] [hider] Grammatically, the story was pretty good. But it had a rough start. [quote=Briza] They were both lying in the meadows with their bodies folding down the soft grasses upon and into themselves. [/quote] This is a mouthful. In particular, I would like to see less discription on the grass. “Folding down the soft grasses upon and into themselves” could be reworded so many different ways. “Folding the grass into itself” would be my own suggestion. It paints the same mental image. [quote=Briza] Along the sky were white, velvety clouds, fluffy and light in their weight, held against the gentle blue that expanded across the horizon that wrapped around the mountain top. [/quote] I'm already out of breath. It needs to be broken up into two sentences or we need to cull some ajectives. [quote=Briza] A tall, gaunt piece of crowfoot grass stuck out of Matthias’ mouth. His tongue fiddled with the ends, toying with the dew and water. [/quote] “He built the house out of wood and lumber, which he got from the forest and trees.” Due and water are the same thing. [quote=Briza] A playful breeze accompanied him and combed the ribbons of its breath through his hair and tickled his skin. [/quote] I understand breath, but ribbons? [quote=Briza] Matthias did not let go of her hand after he had found his bearings, as he had made the firm decision that he would be the leader on this expedition, not her. [/quote] Merged sentence. Comma could be a period, and “as” can be removed. [quote=Briza] There was an interesting curl or pollen or whatever that was called coming from the center of the blossom. [/quote] Anther or a Stigma! Not actually a critique. But yea, the writing got a lot less cumbersome as it went on. Those were my biggest problems with the grammar. I really liked the characters in the story. You did a good job of displaying Matthias as a typical tween boy and Cassie as a mysterious girl. Their body language and dialog was cleanly written. I enjoyed Matthias's inner musings, but it was a bit redundant at times, as his thoughts were plainly evident in his actions. And while head hopping is more accepted in present times, I felt Cassie's character would have been even stronger if we saw the entire story from Matthias's point of view. I'm not really sure how to feel about the twist. You foreshadowed “something,” that much was evident while I was reading. But we're in this seemingly huckleberry fin era setting and the twist felt out of place with everything else. Having an alien space craft beam them up at the end would... have probably been slightly more jarring than what actually happened. I liked your story. Thanks for sharing. [/hider] [@SleepingSilence] [hider] There were a lot of grammatical errors in this one, Sometimes every sentence in a paragraph. I've decided to only check the first few paragraphs to avoid redundancy. [quote=SleepingSilence] Ross carried the red cyclamens; a dozen bundled together like the battle scars bared on his bare back. [/quote] Bared on a bare back? I'm pretty sure battle scars aren't bundled. [quote=SleepingSilence] Matching the amount of mosquito bites branding his knees. [/quote] This is an incomplete sentence. I'm not sure if it's the quantity or shape of the cyclamens/scars that is being referenced here. [quote=SleepingSilence] The tropical temperature towered tall as the kapok trees, as sweat drooled from his forehead. [/quote] You're not winning any awards for your word usage. I doubt most people know what a kapok tree looks like, and sweat doesn't look or move anything like drool. [quote=SleepingSilence] Like the unknown creature creating horrendous huffing noises, creeping closer while concealed beyond the creepers. [/quote] You know, I had no idea what you were talking about in the sentence before. But now I know [i]exactly[/i] what you're talking about. The unknown creature creating horrendous huffing noises does drool just that way, doesn't it? And I remain concealed beyond the creepers all the time. So that reference isn't lost on me. Seriously, what the hell did I just read? [quote=SleepingSilence] Paranoia could only pray was watching something else’s every step. [/quote] I think there's a missing word here. Otherwise, I have no idea if Paranoia is some new character, a person, etc. [quote=SleepingSilence] Elbowing checking the low hanging branches, blocking his march through the mud. [/quote] Elbowing checking? This entire phrase could be re-written to improve clarity. [quote=SleepingSilence] Stopping to spot a brightly colored bird, perching on the opened plant’s pink surface, drinking from the nectar oozing out. [/quote] Not ever verb and noun needs to have an adjective attached to it, you know? [quote=SleepingSilence] Its carnivorous maw snapped shut; silencing shrill squawks. [/quote] Presumably, you are talking about the plant eating the bird, rather than the bird eating the plant. But it's not very clear. This could have been much better if you used more than two sentences to show what was going on. It's the only exciting thing that's happened in this paragraph and it's over with in less than ten words. [quote=SleepingSilence] “Heeey.” Echoed softly in an easily distinguishable direction, as if it beckoned him. [/quote] Easily distinguishable, but not to the reader. And I'm pretty sure it [i]did[/i] beckon him. [quote=SleepingSilence] The same voice spoke out. Their accent was unfamiliar, but still clearly speaking his language. “Come Clossser.” [/quote] Of course it's the same voice, it's in the same paragraph, right? [quote=SleepingSilence] Pulling out a jagged dagger from the holster strapped to his hip, glancing at the blade embedded with his initials; ‘R.K’. He turned around and approached the plea, hoping that he wasn’t the sap about to be snared. [/quote] Just have him pull out the dagger in one sentence, examine the knife in a second sentence, and finally approach the voice in the third. You're trying to do way too much here. [quote=SleepingSilence] Meeting a flash of light coming from the first opening in the canopy, seeing beaming from the skies. [/quote] What is “seeing beaming?” I've never seen two words with an “ing” ending put side by side like that, and this is the second time you've done it. People probably don't do it because it doesn't work. [quote=SleepingSilence] Facing an enormous elder tree that appeared to have a face carved into its trunk; big angled eyes, and a wide open entrance of blackness. [/quote] It's a bad idea to start a sentence with one of those “ing” words most of the time. It doesn't show possession. You could say “he/Ross was facing” But I think the present tense “He/Ross faced” would be better still. [quote=SleepingSilence] “What bringsss you to my humble abode?” The snake asked tongue wiggling out. [/quote] You actually forgot a comma. I'm really surprised by that, because nearly every sentence up to this point has had a comma or a semi-colon. How the adjectives sounded like the words they were paired with made the prose read like some sort of weird tongue twister. Bit it definitely wasn't nine nice night nurses nursing nicely. Which might have been the intention, but it didn't work for me. I'll admit adventure stories of this nature aren't my cup of tea, but all the same, I felt it could have been done better. I don't understand why he was in the jungle, had to go to a volcano, then traverse a lot of different dream areas to finally get to where he had to go. I understand these places had a significance “artistically,” but in the context of the story there wasn't any rhyme or reason for it. I know sometimes less is more. But nothing is always, well, nothing. [/hider] [hider=And the winner is...] Briza's “Say, ‘Yes,’ and we can stay here forever.” gets my vote. It wasn't perfect. But there's effort there that goes beyond the word count, and it fits with the theme of the contest. [/hider]