[@webboysurf]: [hider] [u]Overview[/u]: I appreciate Garkan's brutish design, but I also believe that retaining this general depiction of strength and brawniness ends up taking away from his ability to represent himself, outside of the general 'muscle-man' image. In [u]General[/u], he's a massive, imposing figure, which I want to state now and will be elaborating on later when we get to the bio. While I'm sure your idea of his appearance is different from the picture presented, be sure to note that fair skin is a rarity in Glimhollow, though I'm not gonna hold it against anyone who can't find a decent 'olive-skinned' portrait, given the internet's tendency to only illustrate caucasians -- regardless, be sure to explicitly state this distinction between the picture and what your concept of him is. When you say his hair is "well-trimmed" and the "most normal" aspect of his appearance, what exactly do you mean by this -- what hairstyle is it that looks "normal"? In [u]Personal[/u], I dig his prime motive, but his accessory motives feel a bit contradictory. Family implies tying oneself down to a group, whereas independence infers the releasing of any responsibilities, including those inherent of a familial unit. Perhaps clarify these points more precisely to keep from there being any confliction here. The internal conflict is nearly perfect, in my estimation, so no qualms there. In [u]Vocational[/u], "Nimble Fingers" threw me through a loop. Where in his bio does it state that he attained the skills for pickpocketing? While the trait is constructed to support itself, I just don't see where or when he could've gotten the capability to be very good with picking pockets. "Street Brawler" works fine, though it doesn't state anything about his time in a combat arena, which I think is a key element of his back story. "Stubborn as a Mule" is also cool, but when it says "an advantage to years of abuse", where was this trait when he was being abused? Be sure to state this more clearly as an adaptation after the fact. I think his flaws look fine, for the most part, though his "Lack of Agility" just further proves my point against the "Nimble Fingers" trait -- someone who has minimal agility wouldn't have the deft hand movements required to pull off pickpocketing, particularly with the large hands that he presumably has. The [u]Supplemental[/u] secret is a bit blunt in stating that he's murdered more than just his father. If this is the case, this would be an important aspect to iterate within the bio. The quirk about him "avoiding meat" is confusing when you also say he's fond of poultry and fish -- I'm assuming you mean red meat? But also, how does he possibly maintain his enormous stature with such a lean diet? Discrepancies for the bio are in the following hider. [hider] While the bullet points here are mostly assorted in a general sense, I try to align them in some chronological fashion so you can see what I'm specifically pointing out as you read this alongside the biography. Also, a vast majority of these points will be questions that aren't so much for you to answer to me directly, but try and employ back into the writing. - What is his father the foreman of? A mining operation? The only truly active mines in the city are in the Pits, which is entirely overseen by the Juggernauts, so having an outside affiliate overseeing the mining is very unlikely. - Where was it that Garkan spent his childhood? What part of the city? - How did Garkan survive on the streets for ten years without being kidnapped or killed? Note that there aren't much in terms of small animals around Glimhollow except for rats, though they usually only preside in the Gray District -- presumably this is where he lived? - You say that Garkan wasn't allowed to come home at night, but then state that his father "granted the boy entrance" when he was ten. What prompted this 'change of heart' for his father? Why didn't his father simply beat Garkan for the first ten years of his life? How did Garkan have the nerve to "demand entry" then, at 10, and not anytime before? If he was so badly malnourished, how did he even have the strength or confidence? - I find it hard to believe that his mother was so absent from the home that she couldn't have brought Garkan in before he turned 10. Was his father that immensely abusive? If so, why didn't his mother simply leave and take Garkan with, who was also clearly unwanted? - If his mother was the way she was, why did she even put in the effort to tend to her son when he was beaten so severely? A "bloody pulp" is a very intense image -- how on earth did Garkan survive this without any physical malformation, beyond scars and bruises? - A pickaxe to the face is a sure way to lose an eye, if not your life -- I'm supposing these were swipes that nearly missed? Twice? - Be sure to avoid redundancies -- "left the home that [u]night[/u] and fled into the [u]night[/u]" - He lived on the streets "for quite a few years" -- how many years, exactly? Again, where was he? - The underground fighting ring is something that should be elaborated on in significantly more detail. Give it a name of some kind, or state whether he lived on site or in a different hostel, or still on the streets. ***- Given his immense malnourishment for the first half of his life, how could Garkan have possibly gained the stature and weight that he sustains now? I'm supposing most of this was from his time spent training for when he fought -- detail this in full, otherwise his size doesn't seem fathomable.*** - What happened to the fighting ring? This is far too vague and grandeur an end for it to make any sense without some elaborate detailing. There must have been something going on to have caused it, and I'm sure there are plenty of options to choose from to detail the events that led up to its demise. - He "simply wasn't there that night" -- why? Particularly if he had "never missed a fight" up until that point? This makes it feel like you skipped over this section simply so you could move on to the next part of the story. It needs to be more elaborate than this. - How did Garkan notice the Dusthawks' growing reputation? Why did he decide that was where he wanted to go, and not somewhere else? - What makes Garkan think of Valrel as a "proper man", particularly given the enterprise that they're in? [/hider] All-in-all, Garkan appears to be a good concept for further exploration, but currently lacks the depth that can truly flesh out his character as being distinct from the typical "brute" archetype. The biography is in desperate need of deliberation, as there's simply far too much being presented that doesn't delve into the important details. I would love to see a significant amount more being written about his backstory and character, but I simply can't expect any depth for development in its current state. [/hider] [@Romero]: [hider] [u]Overview[/u]: Valeriano -- or is it Luca? -- is so perfectly heroic that I can't help but to fall in love with his character, as he's what I would imagine a gallant, guffawing, gentlemanly swordsman to be. His [u]General[/u] section is well put together, though the portrait truly does make him appear to be in his early 40s, if not older. In fact, upon reading his bio, do you suppose 27 is truly an accurate age for his character, as he has done so much across Peylor before coming to Glimhollow? If so, I won't make any fuss over it. Make sure to place the proper punctuation where it is needed (looking at semicolons), and that you give it a once over to ensure sentences are adequately structured and that the description falls in line with what is stated in the biography. In [u]Personal[/u], I am curious as to his accessory motives -- you've already stated that he [i]is[/i] quite famous, and that he's technically inherited a significant amount of wealth from his "father". What could possibly drive him to attain more of either of these? His internal conflict sounds like it has already been resolved thanks to the Resistance -- perhaps take the drive for fame and fortune and attribute them to how he thinks of his apparent hypocrisy. [u]Vocationally[/u], his talents look good, but the descriptor for "vanity" once again seems to contradict his age -- for how long has he assumed this alternate character? Though this isn't a critique, I love that he talks to his rapier!! With [u]Supplemental[/u], I'm supposing that due to his entire persona being fabricated, most people will know him as Valeriano, and thus refer to him as such? I find it humorous he has a fascination with redheads, as the possibility of there being a redhead in Glimhollow is obscenely scarce. My discrepancies for the bio will be in the next hider. [hider] - Found a few spots that could use punctuation, so if you want to make sure to go over it again and hunt for them, that'd be ideal; also, hunt for any redundencies in the writing to make sure things are clear and concise - Approximately how old was Luca when he slew the original Valeriano? Getting a date on this could better define how long its been since it happened - It seems your noting Valeriano's impending departure to Glimhollow was added on as a potential escape for Luca to act on, but it isn't ever employed -- as such, it's a detail that doesn't seem necessary to iterate - What about Glimhollow drew Luca's attention? Why did he decide to go there, and not somewhere else? - You state that Luca "did not hesitate" in his long journey. What prompted him, then, to take the time away from his journey to train himself with old sellswords? - How long did it take for him to travel from his old home in Hulstead to Glimhollow? I only ask this as he must have spent a considerable amount of time building up his prestige as he traveled, or else such news of his fame wouldn't have had enough weight/time to travel to the desert city ahead of him. Depending on how long it took, this would alter how the reader perceives Luca's eagerness and haste to arrive in Glimhollow - I'm supposing not all of the "years away from the family" were Luca's alone, and that some of them belonged to the original Valeriano? - If Valeriano (or, now Luca) inherited a "vast fortune", does this mean that he potentially has immediate access to it? If so, I'm going to have to ask an approximation of his wealth, to ensure you don't have [i]too[/i] much, for the sake of balance/control; though I won't be requiring this, I would prefer that such a "vast fortune" wouldn't actually be in place, and that Valeriano/Luca would have to be a tad bit more frugal with his spendings - I'm supposing he was confronted by the thugs in Lower Shenul, as Upper Shenul doesn't have so much "gangs" as it has a perverse night-life - "The Luca that had arrived at Glimhollow was far from the boy who had gone pale at the sight of blood" -- were there other occurrences of Luca having to fight as he made his journey toward Glimhollow? Perhaps make note of this earlier on - Castigates, uniquely enough, aren't as prominent in the Gray District as they are in the upper districts, as they would be hard-pressed to maintain any sense of order in the area. As such, state that he bought the attention of simply the Juggernaut Officers, which would be far more likely ***- Why would a man who seeks out justice work for a criminal organization, and not simply join the Resistance? This is an important distinction -- the Resistance would be all-too-eager to accept someone of such nobility into their ranks, whereas the Dusthawks are far more particular to seek out one's capabilities to perform heinous acts without moral dilemma. Why was he drawn to the Dusthawks more than the Resistance?*** [/hider] The last point I made is perhaps the biggest qualm I have with your character -- I genuinely think he would be an absolutely fantastic addition to the RP,and he is wonderfully crafted together, but there's far too much about his personality that suggests he would instead be a member of the Resistance and never associate himself with the Dusthawks. This is a key detail that I would need to see fleshed out before I can give this the 'a-okay'. [/hider]