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The drive to Jocelyn's place was quiet. I was thankful to be driving alone. I never liked conversing with other people. It always felt like a trivial thing to do. I certainly had no intention of trying to make friends with any of the people at the bar. It's common knowledge for any spy or assassin to know that relationships of any type don't work when you're in those lines of business. Growing up alone, it was very easy for me to adapt to that. Too easy, some might say. I've been called "cold" and "distant" too many times to even count. That being said, I was never one for following rules and I just can't seem to learn from my mistakes so I can safely say I've had my fair share of secret relationships. None of them ended very well, but that was expected. The death of a girlfriend or the sacrifice of a friend never surprised me. It's not like I didn't care. I did. Every time I lost someone special and close to me I would cut a little notch into the hilt of my shashka in honor of them. It's not much, but it's the best I could do for them. Of course, I lost others simply because I'm just terrible at relationships… or I was tasked with killing them.  When I lost my first boyfriend it really stung. Especially knowing it was my fault that he left me because I was unable to fully reciprocate his feelings and kind gestures. But even after all of that, I was able to move on. I was able to focus on my mission, which was and will always be more important than any person. 

The drive continued to be uneventful. In fact, I was starting to feel a little impatient. 


[i]How long is this fucking drive?[/i]


I sighed, turning on the radio, hoping for something to distract myself. Instead, it turned out to be a report about the recent attack at the bar.

"Following the events of the alien attack, a bar located in Hell's Kitchen was just-"

Rolling my eyes, I quickly switch to a new station. I've no reason to hear about an attack I already had the pleasure of being in. The station I switched to was an alternative music station. It was playing a song I didn't know. It just sounded like a bunch of screaming along with your usual distortion-laden guitar playing your typical power chords. Don't get me wrong, I enjoy rock. I enjoy some metal too but I don't get what is referred to as "screamo". I don't see how someone could enjoy listening to it. Personally, I'm more of a classical music kind of woman. Mozart, Chopin, Bach, and the rest. Something about that music just really helps me focus. Unfortunately, I was unable to find a classical station. So, after a while of going through everything, I settled on the alternative station once again.

After a while though, I ended up turning off the radio. A sense of relief washed over me as the silence returned. For a while, I went back to feeling the same way I felt before. A bit impatient but overall just "meh". The sound of the car driving on an empty road was oddly calming, as well as the overall silence that had befallen me ever since I turned the radio off.  Unfortunately, that state of serenity I was momentarily in turned into unease, as I could feel a familiar feeling start to creep its way to the forefront of my conscious. My mind wanted to wander. Wanted to recollect. This familiar silence became a little… too quiet. It reminded me of the nights I spent alone back in the District. Those cold, dark nights where the only sound came from the crunching of the snow beneath my feet and the occasional howling of the wind. Those nights where I'd sleep in an abandoned car, hoping and praying that if I were to be found it wouldn't be by my monstrous parents or the police. And how could I forget the nights where I just wandered the empty streets alone and questioned whether or not these powers were a curse or not. Yes, my powers were part of the reason I was able to survive and for that I was thankful for. But there were too many times I just wished they'd just go away and the bitter cold could just take me. Death just seemed better than this seemingly endless search for I don’t even know what that I was on. I would constantly go back forth between a state of determination and of hopelessness. At one point, I was beginning to feel like I was losing my mind. I felt like I was in a terrible, inescapable nightmare. The night I was found by the Inhuman Gordon and taken to the Afterlife, I was contemplating killing myself. At that time, I had been wandering through the forest and found a cave to take shelter in. There was a weirdly shaped stone that very sharp. I had intended to use that to kill myself. I wanted to find a way to escape this. Ending my life seemed like the only way out. After I arrived in the Afterlife though, I began to feel like I would be okay. That my life would be fine. I started to figure out who I was and that made me happy. Being around others like myself gave me a sense of belonging. 

But then that all changed. It changed about as quickly as Jiaying driving that knife into Lizzie's abdomen. That night, in the blink of an eye, my whole life changed. The only person in my life that had ever really cared about me died right before my eyes. Holding her limp body made me realize I never wanted to love again. Of course, being the idiot I am, I continued to have many secret relationships, both platonic and romantic, after that. I don't know why. Maybe it's because I secretly enjoy the pain that comes from losing someone special or maybe I'm just stupid. Maybe it's both. I haven't changed though. The only thing that is different is that I now expect for things to go awry. It's always the same thing. Get a job, stay there for a while, meet somebody, get too close, lose them, and then move on to either someone else or a completely new job. Lucky for me, I didn't meet anybody while working for Kazimir and his gang. Most of his members were a bunch of perverted assholes anyway. I've dated some not-so-great people in the past but I don't date scum.

My thoughts were thankfully interrupted as I came upon a fork in the road. I looked at the address Jocelyn gave me and turned right. I was getting close to her house.


[i]Finally.[/i] 


It’s not that I wasn't enjoying my little trip down memory lane…. well, actually I wasn't. I don't like thinking about the past. I prefer to focus on the present. That's what matters most. Especially now that my life might be in more danger than it usually is.