In the beginning, Ryan wasn't sure what he'd gotten himself into. He was sleeping with the son of one of the wealthiest people in the country, who held more power in one hand than anyone else Ryan knew collectively, and yet what he was worried about wasn't losing his job or financial instability or being on some rich dude's shit list. He was just scared of Brendon hating him. It seemed like he was well on his way to that, though, remembering the way Brendon looked at him after the first time. He was so hurt, like Ryan had truly hit a nerve for once. And then occasionally Ryan was still obvious about how he felt, what he thought about Brendon, et cetera - all without meaning to be, all in subtle shifts in expression or vocal tone, and when Brendon caught on he'd grow distant again. It was an awful cycle to be stuck in. 

As much as he tried to circle the subject, look at it from every perspective, he could not, for the life of him, tell how Brendon felt. As far as Ryan knew, this was just an affair to him, no strings attached. There was the job, their professional life together, and then an after-hours where they slept together and went their separate ways. And maybe Brendon knew Ryan thought about him in a very different way - certainly he knew a [i]lot[/i] of people felt some level of affection for him, after all - but it's not like that directly affected him until Ryan said something or acted on it, which he certainly wouldn't. Normally he could be at least a little assertive and straightforward (he was fairly monotonous either way; why address people differently) but around Brendon he became more awkward and stilted than usual, and Ryan [i]especially[/i] didn't want to make himself vulnerable around him. Not just 'cause of the boss thing but the whole 'entirely-out-of-my-league' thing. 

[i]Are you sure? What I heard sounded pretty telling, and I heard it from Brendon, not my own intuition.[/i] Shit. So they did know things. But still - it was Brendon's perspective, and as much as Ryan liked him, he could be just a little short-sighted... though maybe it didn't apply here since no matter what way Ryan tried to forgive himself, he knew he hadn't done a thing right since he first ended up in Brendon's bed. That was the first mistake, and then it was confronting Brendon, and then it was not ending the affair as soon as possible. A series of bad choices had led him to this point, sitting in front of someone ready to tear him a new one because he had been more than sort of an asshole all along. Just saying he 'hadn't meant to be an asshole' didn't help much, either; that did nothing to reverse his invasion of Brendon's boundaries and making unfair, half-true at best, assumptions about him.

Despite his attempts at self-defense - or his preface to it, really - Gabe still looked unconvinced, gaze steely and fixed directly on him. Needless to say, Ryan was on edge. What was the point of this if he couldn't even convince himself he was right about the situation? By now all Ryan was doing was venting, not looking for acceptance. Not like there was anywhere else to go. [i]It’s not empty. He’s not empty. He doesn’t need you to psychoanalyse him.[/i] Which Ryan did a fuckton of. Unwarranted. He shut his eyes tight for a second, guilty. [i]He’s not empty, he just fills his life with questionable things, but who am I to judge him? Who are you? It’s not our place.[/i] They were right. These were Brendon's vices, his chosen 'sins' so to speak, and everyone had them to an extent. Ryan himself smoked on occasion, had more often since he came into money, barely saw a vegetable some weeks, or barely saw food some days with no mention of water. And he hadn't called any friends of his more than three times since he moved closer to Brendon. He wasn't healthy by any means, he just survived with convenience in mind.

[i]We can advise, but don’t- before you go around giving him life advice, regain his trust. He doesn’t trust you right now.[/i] Ryan straightened up a little, meeting Gave's gaze properly and looking serious. [b]"He doesn't - really? He doesn't trust me,"[/b] Ryan echoed, going fast from focusing on Gabe to becoming disengaged and thoughtful, glancing off to the corner to consider this. It wasn't that hard to believe, really - he had, after all, betrayed Brendon's hard-earned trust. But he didn't think that essentially telling Brendon his recklessness was going to get him hurt, his callousness wasn't healthy, was that damaging to their established rapport. [i]And are you better, Ryan?[/i] Though Ryan was already on his way to clarifying that he really and truly wasn't, he still quickly shook his head, looking ill. Gabe really knew how to hit the chinks in someone's armor, huh? He supposed he'd like that quality if he wasn't on the receiving end.

He stared at his hands again while Gabe looked him over, chin in hand like they were his psychiatrist. Maybe this [i]was[/i] a session. He certainly wasn't feeling a lot better. Ryan sat back when they did, unconsciously mirroring their actions. [i]So, Ryan- what do [/i]you[i] want from Brendon? And don’t say nothing. You’re sleeping with him, for fuck’s sake.[/i] Ryan paused, studying Gabe carefully. Did they really think he had awful intent here? Did he look like some of the assholes Brendon pulled around? Before this, Ryan was fairly certain he sported the 'shrimpy nerd' look very well. Apparently he looked like a threat to Brendon goddamn Blake, though. [b]"That doesn't mean he owes me anything,"[/b] he said truthfully, his voice quieter. [b]"Just, in a perfect world, it'd be nice if... he could like me back. If I had a chance, whatever. I don't know."[/b]

He shrugged, sliding down further in the chair and putting his arms on the rests tiredly. [b]"That's what I want. Ideally, he could have any kind of interest in me that isn't - you know."[/b] Ryan tossed a glance towards the bed, reserved. [b]"I mean, I'd settle for him being with anyone as long as he isn't alone anymore. And you know what I mean by 'alone' - he's surrounded by people now, sure, but you're the only one I've seen that actually gives a fuck. You came here."[/b] He told them. That's what made the difference. He realised all of this sounded like a huge 'nice guy' act and tried to backtrack a little, though really it was hard to make a save at this point. [b]"It'd suck like hell, yeah, but I care about him, you know? I don't show it well, I say all the wrong things - which you heard, I guess - but I do. He's way more than some rich asshole's son."[/b] At some time during his long-winded speech Ryan had tucked his jaw into his hand and was resting his elbow on the armrest resignedly, body slanted while he supported the weight of his head. This all sounded like some really pretentious rom-com, but he couldn't say what he meant without that happening by chance. And Gabe appeared to be a little forgiving of his dumbassery, luckily.