It was true that Brendon tended to hold things with him, maintain grudges deep down while acting relatively normal and civil on the surface. That was what he had done with Ryan- though that morning when Ryan made it clear exactly what he thought of him was in the past, now, and Brendon had seemingly moved on, the break of trust that usually took so long to build up hadn’t fully healed and there was a scar under the surface where Brendon wasn’t quite willing to allow himself to open up to someone again. That said, he hadn’t really opened up at all- he’d admitted on the night that yeah, he was lonely, and yeah, he wanted Ryan to come over. But he hadn’t [i]said[/i] much else- all trust and closeness Brendon felt was internal, and he tried not to betray it for fear of being vulnerable. So, the next morning he was on the defensive, spitting out venemous words and informing Ryan that it had all been meaningless, physical, out of boredom and want less than actual mutual affection. It was, in Ryan’s words, a [i]caricature [/i]of intimacy. Brendon had played stuff like this off his entire life- almost upsettingly, it had been just as easy to let Ryan down hard as it had for everybody else who grew too attached for their own good.

Using that, Brendon told himself it had really just been another one-time thing, but then once they’d closed the open, more obvious wounds, it became a two-time thing, then a three-time thing, and suddenly it was a regular occurrence, whenever they had time, whenever Ryan came over in the evening and Brendon decided his working hours were over for the day. He had broken a consistent rule, so he bent the rules for himself, something he was used to doing- and suddenly, the ‘casual affair’ was fine, no strings were attached as far as Brendon was concerned, they were just compatible in that way and it kind of made sense. What was stopping them? Sure, Ryan tended to get distracted when he should be doing work sometimes, but Brendon didn’t really care. If it became that bad, he’d probably just hire a second assistant- and maybe not sleep with that one. Either way, for a while, they were seemingly fine, but uneasy under the surface- Ryan still genuinely liked him, and Brendon had handily shut that knowledge somewhere in his mind so he couldn’t find it. There were unspoken words between them and Brendon still felt the silvery line of invisible scars where Ryan had kind of stabbed him in the back, acting as if he was non-judgemental of Brendon’s behaviour, then ripping into him about it and telling him he was dillusioned and cold. 

So, it hadn’t just gone away- they were just good at avoiding uncomfortable conversations by spending much of their time in Brendon’s bedroom, and elsewhere. It was causing disruption and uneasiness, especially now that Brendon knew Gabe and Ryan were conspiring against him again, somehow, and Ryan apparently didn’t want to betray exactly what had been discussed. At first, anyway. After Brendon spending a few minutes trying to convince him, he reluctantly betrayed the conversation topic- [i]They said I broke your trust- [/i]and Brendon wasn’t sure whether to be exasperated or grateful that Gabe had interfered yet again with his life. The apology seemed a little poorly timed, as if he’d only thought to do it once Gabe likely gave him an earful and a more than slightly threatening forewarning. [b]”Oh,”[/b] Brendon had mused, reflecting, still backed off and studying his assistant critically. [i]And I would never want to do that. I never meant to.[/i]

Brendon knew that. But this was a lot to take in for someone who very rarely even had such emotional discussions about trust and intention. Brendon only knew about impulses and actions. It was a touchy subject for him, and though he was now sure he was grateful that Ryan at least had the guts to address it, he wasn’t having fun interrupting what had been the leadup to their favourite frequent pastime. So, he said nothing, just blinked peacefully and then leaned in again to finish what he had started, attaching his mouth gently to his neck. His hands were searching and confident, curling around his side and into his hair, then working idly on his buttons, taking advantage of the fact they had all the time in the world. Even better, Ryan was actually staying quiet for once, and Brendon felt eyes on him even as he simply closed his eyes and landed sure kisses against his collarbone , leading in towards his sternum. His hands had moved, one hanging in the opening of his shirt, the other tracing down his neck to his opposite collar, mapping out his skin.

[i]And.[/i] Brendon stilled, moving back and holding in a sigh, eyes opening reluctantly. There Ryan went again, apparently incapable of staying at all quiet for more than five seconds. And Brendon thought he was the one who couldn’t stay still or shut up. [i]And- we agreed, you deserve so much more than I think you realise. You’re worth so, so much, Bren.[/i] Okay- that was sweet- even if he felt dangerously close to saying something smart, like... [b]”Multi-millionaire, actually,”[/b] He mentioned, grinning, staying engaged but also continuing down the buttons of Ryan’s shirt almost subconsciously. [b]”No, I- Thank you. It means a lot, considering I fuckin’- usually I get compared to my siblings, or my dad, and it sucks. I can never be just [i]Brendon.[/i] I’m Brendon Boyd Blake. My family defines who I am, and that name is all people ever care about. It doesn’t usually bother me, just-“[/b] Brendon paused, looking up finally once he’d reached the last of Ryan’s buttons, meeting his eyes and trying not be drawn up immediately into a kiss. [b]”I don’t want to be like him, but I don’t want to be a failure. And what you said- that I lacked compassion, and that I was reckless and unsafe- I felt like a mixture of both.”[/b] 

He went quiet for a minute. That was probably the most he’d talked about himself without making a joke, ever. Almost impressed with himself, and feeling like a weight was lifted from his shoulders, he exhaled just in time for Ryan to draw him back into another kiss, readily accepting it and also moving his hands to Ryan’s shoulders to slide the shirt off his arms.