Brendon still wasn’t sure why Ryan took a ‘break’ in the first place- Shane, maybe, but if Ryan really was a good friend, would he leave without a second thought and not see Brendon in person just because he locked horns with his boyfriend? He understood more than anyone that it might have been awkward considering their own complicated history, but he hadn’t considered Ryan petty or affected enough to take action and resign, temporarily or not. Naturally, he’d just shrugged it off and accepted, asking for no clarification or details, but he was upset, because Ryan had been vague and direct, like it was more of a statement than an ask for permission. Shane, on the other hand, was over the moon, and Brendon had to constantly half-reprimand him for insulting his best friend. Not too, much, though, or he’d be accused of cheating or wanting Ryan, or something. And, again, Brendon was a lot of things, but he wasn’t unfaithful, even to people who didn’t deserve his loyalty. In fact, he doubted that Shane stayed true, anyway- Brendon was a better man than he.

Once he had successfully cut him off and given Shane a piece of his mind for being a manipulative, controlling piece of shit, he felt empowered for a brief while, but then he felt weak. Why had the let Shane do it in the first place? Why hadn’t he listened to his friends? Why hadn’t he cut it off earlier? Was he that desperate, did he want people to like and want him that badly? Brendon was caught in an unhealthy headspace, and at times, he was almost delusional and [i]missed[/i] Shane. When Brendon had given him what he wanted, done as he pleased, Shane was sickly sweet and affectionate and called him [i]sweetheart[/i] and [i]bren[/i] and [i]baby.[/i] He wanted that from someone, and the only person willing to stick around for that was Shane- for all his flaws, he wasn’t the one to end it. Even Ryan had ditched Brendon, no explanation, no communication other than professional. Sure, he’d made a bad choice, had an error of judgement when picking a boyfriend, but to leave? Brendon kind of understood, but- again, he felt like Ryan had picked up the knife he’d already accidentally used once and just straight-up plunged it into his back.

It probably wasn’t that dramatic. Ryan worked hard, he deserved time off, and the replacement was organised and efficient- but Brendon missed him desperately, more than physically, he missed his presence and his voice and how he knew his exact Starbucks order off by heart. He felt lost without him, and the fact that they weren’t even on proper speaking terms (neither of them seemed willing to start any deep conversations) was killing him. But he did nothing until after Shane. Shane, who once he had been kicked to the curb, wasted no time in spreading rumours about Brendon, selling stories to the media and tabloids and making Brendon glad he’d never been stupid enough to send anything like some other short-sighted celebrities he’d heard of. Now that was something Brendon’s father probably couldn’t let go. Speaking of his parents, they had known about Shane because Brendon had brought him up eagerly at first, but neither seemed very happy for Brendon. He knew they were both set on him marrying a woman and having children, and he had no energy to left to do his usual and confront them about being judgemental and heavy-handed with his life. He just quickly changed the subject when he felt awkwardness rise.

To put it simply, Brendon was a mess- sending someone who was never really his lover lyrics meant for people who were together, or had been. They’d never even been official, they’d slept together, and though they grew much closer towards the end, it was all a less than wonderful caricature of intimacy. Brendon felt something strong and he knew it, even back then- he just didn’t have the guts to act on it so he swerved on Ryan, acted as if nothing had ever happened and landed in the arms of the first douchebag who said he was pretty. Great going, Brendon. You fucked up your chances with the only person who ever wanted to date himfor readons beyond money and recognition. To try and rebuild it all piece by piece, he picked up their old habit, and the lyrics that Ryan sent back he wrote down and read over, wondering how the hell Ryan managed to be so vague all the time, like he was wearing all the pieces of his heart on his sleeve and Brendon just needed to figure out how they all fit together. Ryan, Brendon knew, had no skeletons in his closet- he’d dressed them all up, put them into songs, so obvious but disguised beyond fully understanding. 

Brendon was, in short, newly obsessed with him, like a teenage crush. It had taken a week to build up to, but he eventually worked up the courage to go and see him, and he was impressed with himself for not even having to have a few drinks first to calm his nerves. Instead, he decided to remain all hyperactive and jittery, his mind racing, knowing there were a thousand things he wanted to say and not enough time to get it all out in one night. Maybe. Maybe Ryan wouldn’t need a full explanation, maybe he’d forgive him, maybe Brendon would be able to stop reminiscing on the gentle kisses they once shared in favour of the real thing... Brendon was daydreaming in the back of the car. He hadn’t decided to wear anything special- just a plain black t-shirt and jeans, no jacket, because it was a warm evening and he planned on staying inside if Ryan would let him. He would, wouldn’t he? Why would he not? They were still friends, they were speaking now, even if their manner of communication was cryptic and vague.

Ryan lived nearby, he had to, part of the job. Brendon realised only after reaching his front door that he’d never even been in the building before. Brendon was so absorbed in his own little world sometimes that he forgot other people had their own lives, that Ryan’s life didn’t revolve around him, even if making sure he didn’t fuck things up was his career of choice. Well, maybe not a first choice. Brendon was thinking too much. He ran his hands through his hair, blinked violently for a few seconds and then knocked on the door. It only took a few heartbeats and it opened, and there he stood, two weeks older than when they’d last met eyes. Brendon felt himself fully melt, and his brain short circuited. Was he at the right apartment? In front of him was some stranger, tall and [i]ruggedly[/i] handsome with a stubble that suited him better than he would ever have imagined and hair that was wavy and swept loosely over to the side. He was wearing a [i]leather jacket and jeans[/i], and he leaned against the door casually, and Brendon realised he needed to close his mouth. He did, and reached out to steady himself on the doorframe.

It had been two weeks and Brendon had almost forgotten- exactly why he was attracted to Ryan Ready in the first place. Two weeks and suddenly, he was an eleven. Brendon wasn’t sure what to do with himself, and realised it had probably been a full thirty seconds. [i]Hey.[/i] His smile. His voice. Brendon wanted to hear him saying his name. Brendon managed a smile, but still looked uncharacteristically nervous.[i] Long time no see. Are you okay? [/i]Tht was your call, Brendon thought, and blinked, moving a hand up to scratch the back of his neck almost defensively. [b]”Uh- yeah. Are you- are you busy?”[/b] He even looked like he’d grown somewhat more muscular, and realised that this had probably taken months, but Brendon had been too involved in his shithole of a boyfriend. Everything else, though, down to his fashion choices, were new, and Brendon appreciated it. [b]“Can I come in?”[/b] His hands twitched by his sides, he wanted to tangle his fingers in Ryan’s hair and kiss him, but he did nothing, just crossed his arms loosely across his chest to appear casual. [b]”Do you have to be somewhere?”[/b]