[i]I broke up with him a week ago today.[/i] Ryan looked at him for a long moment, waiting for his gaze to return from its guilty drop to the couch cushions, but it didn't. Surely he'd known, in part, that Shane was the issue, so why didn't he tell Ryan earlier and spare both of them that time apart? But that was hypocritical thinking Ryan quickly forgot; after all he could've taken the initiative and actually had a full conversation with Brendon, be it over text or by phone call or in person. Or he just could've stopped by, at least, checked in on things like he got the urge to do constantly. Although Brendon didn't know this part of the problem, Ryan wasn't so sure that even if he had known he would've come back so soon. A week ago he still stayed up to ungodly hours just to avoid dreaming about Brendon, or something about the two of them together. Now he still didn't sleep much - but not for fear of what might come into his head; he just didn't make very good choices by his lonesome.

After scanning his body language, Ryan figured maybe he didn't want to know why Brendon hadn't told him. He just... worried a [i]lot[/i]. Who did Brendon go to when it happened? Did he think it was out of line or something to come to Ryan for consolation - if he'd needed it, anyway? Ryan wore the guilt on his face but tried to suppress it - they both already knew well enough how bad a friend he'd been, he just didn't know how to address it. [b]"Oh,"[/b] he said simply, then thought of trying to say anything else alongside that, but his jaw just set tightly and he couldn't formulate something meaningful. [b]"Well, I'm still glad you did it. I'm- I'm proud of you, for being able to."[/b] His voice dropped somewhat because he felt silly saying it, like maybe this wasn't such a big deal to Brendon and he was making a mountain out of a molehill, but it was the truth. No harm in saying what he thought when it was just this.

The speed at which Brendon cut in to his explanation definitely meant he wasn't happy with the speech, impatient to know why he'd been betrayed, probably. Ryan couldn't blame him. [i]And partially what else?[/i] That prompted him to rush a little more through his words - and as a result he didn't elaborate much on what he was saying. So Brendon didn't look like he bought it completely. In all fairness, Ryan vaguely made it seem as if his disapproval of Brendon's obviously temporary boyfriend was what could be hurting Brendon; rather he figured if he criticized yet another choice Brendon had made for and of himself, that would bring him right back to the start where he'd lost all of his trust in a matter of maybe thirty minutes, max. The premise wasn't exactly him being an asshole to Shane being the problem - it was how he'd look not liking, yet again, something Brendon had done out of his own free will. He was only a little sure that it was fair to do that with a choice as awful as Shane, at the time.

[i]Why didn’t you tell me this when you asked me for time off?[/i] 'cause then he'd have to tell Brendon everything else, and when he left two weeks ago, he was still too deeply invested in how he felt and continued to feel that he couldn't say it to Brendon's face. It wasn't fair to him at all. [i]I needed you, you know. Shane was a dick, sure, but- I think it was a little dramatic to just up and leave with no context.[/i] He nodded hastily, and it was Ryan's turn to look down, timid. [b]"I know,"[/b] he said just as quietly, matching the lowness of Brendon's voice. His own inability to talk to Brendon about his stupid prolonged crush wasn't an excuse for that - it'd been selfish. Most anyone could set aside their own feelings for a second to help their friend. Ryan was, apparently, not quite that emotionally mature, and all the same, selfish. May as well own up to it. [b]"I wasn't even thinking about how inconsiderate it was, at the start. I just. Did what I thought was best for me. I'm so sorry, Bren, it was... beyond selfish."[/b]

That aligned with his last confession seemed to stun Brendon, and he wasn't exactly surprised, but. Really. There was no way Brendon was going to pretend he hadn't known precisely what was going on... unless there was another part other than just how Ryan'd felt about him that was shocking. After a moment he looked incredibly small, vulnerable, and the image of Ryan kissing the hurt look off his face passed through his head momentarily, vivid enough that he furrowed his brow and focused on [i]not[/i] thinking so stupidly again. And even though he'd [i]imagined[/i] fixing the issue, Brendon still looked slightly defeated, and concern rose to Ryan's face when he registered Brendon's normally perfect lips grew red with the nervous bite he'd ben applying. Finally for reasons other than his silly attraction - maybe a 60/40 split, the latter for his reasonable worry - Ryan couldn't take his eyes off of Brendon's mouth, and he registered distantly how much his chest ached.

[i]Would you- if me and Shane stayed together, you’d still have come back, right?[/i] Ryan mulled that over, but it was an easy answer. He loved Brendon far more than he hated Shane - and that was a substantial amount. He couldn't have left him alone for that long, as much as he'd toyed with the supposedly 'smarter' idea of resigning and walking away from it all. [b]"Yeah. I know I would have,"[/b] he murmured genuinely, so prolonged because a simple 'yes' would probably have made Brendon doubtful. [i]And... You want to get over me? Why? I-[/i] Thus far Ryan had felt miserable most of the time, but at this he felt somewhat irritated while he put the pieces together. Brendon had made it clear he wasn't ready, didn't want to, would never want to, whatever. So if [i]this[/i] of all things was what alarmed him surely the only value he had in Ryan being head over heels for him was the fact that it was another ego boost. 

That wasn't him, though, and Ryan knew it, so his reaction made no sense. On the off chance that it was true and Brendon didn't know how much it had been eating Ryan up while his confidence was raised, he felt an all new kind of hurt - and that was just from his own lengthy speculation. [i]Are you over me?[/i] After everything, Ryan was completely uncomfortable being asked questions about it even if he had finally mustered up the courage to admit to how he felt. He shifted a little, unsure. [b]"Don't you want me to be?"[/b] he asked quietly, and it sounded more hurt than he'd intended. He wasn't, really. Maybe when he initially discovered that Brendon didn't want anything serious with him, or every confirming incident after that, but not anymore - it'd weakened to this dull feeling rather than his previous constant heartache. [b]"It's not like I have a chance. If you just want, like, the satisfaction of knowing I... feel the way I do, then... I'm sorry. It hurts too much."[/b] He didn't really mean it. He still knew that wasn't even within the realm of likely behavior for Brendon, at least not anymore. He'd just turned defensive out of instinct.

And the remorse he felt from that, well. All the protective walls crumbled, and he lost his brief boldness. [b]"I'm not,"[/b] he said as quietly as possible, nearly a whisper. He felt a little badly for it, just dropping this on Brendon who could do nothing to help him.  But he'd asked, for god knows what reason, so. [b]"I tried, and it's easy to pretend, but I'm not."[/b] This was, needless to say, making his act harder to perform, though. He willed Brendon to please stop looking like that, because the more Ryan talked the more he wanted to hold onto him and comfort him endlessly, the idea a familiar one.