When Ryan had asked for some time off, and been deliberately vague and nondescript, Brendon of course would have preferred it if Ryan stayed, but he wasn’t one to force people into doing things. He was lenient as far as employers went- but maybe because the situation was unique and their relationship was far beyond simple professionalism, he was biased. Either way, initially it hadn’t bothered him that much; he had Shane to occupy his time (that was probably the only thing he was good for- distracting Brendon, filling up his time to keep him from growing bored). In fact, when Ryan asked him, he almost made a joke- something along the lines of [i]make sure your stand-in is just as good in bed-[/i] but the wounds there were still sore when brought up, and they weren’t quite back to that level of comfortability. So he held his tongue, and instead just readily agreed to put him on paid leave. He worked hard enough- he deserved the break, and whatever he planned to do with the time.

Maybe if stupid Shane hadn’t been in the right place at the right time, Brendon and Ryan would be dating and the visit Brendon was making to his apartment wouldn’t be an anxious, tense one, it would be comfortable and familiar and maybe they’d be curled up in bed, Brendon able to enjoy staying with someone without any particular goal. He’d fall asleep in his arms, wake up in his arms, and kiss him whenever he wanted, gentle but meaningful. He lost himself in the daydream for just a heartbeat, but then Ryan’s voice coaxed him out of his wishful thinking. [i]Oh. Well, I’m still glad you did it. I’m- I’m proud of you, for being able to.[/i] Brendon nodded appreciatively, leaning back into the cushions with a sigh and looking at the ceiling because it didn’t have to take him this long, but here he was, having only just accepted he felt things for Ryan beyond what he initially brashly and dismissively claimed to be just sexual attraction, thereby shattering everything Ryan thought could rise from a single night and reducing their intimacy to a casual fling. [b]”I was stupid,”[/b] He sighed finally, dispelling his thoughts. [b]”It’s not like I loved him. I barely even liked him. I was stupid for dating him in the first place.”[/b]

Brendon was melancholy, but also motivated by a need for answers, explanations. He wanted Ryan to come clean with whatever was on his mind so they no longer had to dance around sensitive topics like this. Maybe being visibly frustrated wouldn’t help his cause, but it was hard to control, so when he asked Ryan questions, they sounded like provoking interrogations. It worked, though- Ryan dropped his walls and had the decency to look more than sheepish. [i]I know. [/i]That was something, but it was too late now. He had needed Ryan, both personally and professionally, scraping by with a tattered excuse of a relationship with Shane clasping onto his throat with two hands. And where had Ryan been? God knows what he’d actually been doing over the past two weeks- he hardly went anywhere at all. [i]I wasn't even thinking about how inconsiderate it was, at the start. I just. Did what I thought was best for me. I'm so sorry, Bren, it was... beyond selfish.[/i]

Brendon was surprised by this confession, thinking previously it would be much harder to pry into Ryan’s reasoning and strip down his arguments until he was transparent. But here it was, almost instantly, an apology, remorse- even if the timing was poor and it seemed slightly like he was just saying what Brendon wanted to hear, it was apology, and Ryan sounded genuine. So Brendon let his expression momentarily soften. [b]”It’s okay, I forgive you for that- I wouldn’t want to be around Shane for another second any more, either.”[/b] At least they were united by the mutual hatred of Shane. Everything else was another story, as became obvious soon. [i]Yeah. I know I would have.[/i] Even if his answer was irrelevant- Ryan would never have to prove it, because Shane was out of the picture- his answer was important to Brendon, because he wondered whether this hatred for Valdes outweighed his loyalty and friendship owed to Brendon. For once, the answer didn’t disappoint him- he had expected the worst.

So far, their interaction had been bittersweet, if a little quiet and uneasy, but once Ryan mentioned [i]getting over him,[/i] Brendon was sure he felt a little sick to the stomach, because if Ryan got over him so fast, he would be pretty sure nobody was capable of liking him for so long, full stop. At first, he was at a loss for words, everything he wanted to say trapped in his mind because he knew if he started talking he’d go off on a tangent that made no sense. So he controlled his breathing, trying not to make a mountain out of a molehill, and listened after he posed such a vulnerable, honest question to someone who could make him or break him in a couple of seconds. [i]Don’t you want me to be?[/i] No, hell no, Brendon wanted to be liked just as much as Brendon liked him, he hoped that the hopeless ache in his heart was replicated inside Ryan’s. Brendon wanted to be adored with someone’s every fibre of being, and similarly, he wanted to care about someone with all of his heart and soul. Dramatic, maybe, but true.

But he stayed silent. [i]It's not like I have a chance. If you just want, like, the satisfaction of knowing I... feel the way I do, then... I'm sorry. It hurts too much.[/i] Okay, that stung, and Brendon tried not to wince, just swallowed his guilt. Ryan had every reason to believe that Brendon just wanted an ego boost after he’d dumped Shane and had nobody to suck up to him any more- Ryan was firsthand witness to some of the callous moments and heartless actions he’d taken in the past, so maybe he was right to be defensive. Still, it hurt, because Brendon was realising the damage he’d done and what people really thought of him. That he was careless with other people’s hearts, played with feelings, was reckless with emotions when they weren’t his. Maybe his reputation, as Shane said, really did far precede him. He needed to clear lots of things up and he intended to right then. 

[b]”That’s not what it is, I don’t need my ego stroking or anything-“[/b] He began, but honestly, he really did. Brendon paused, realising he should have thought about what to say before he started speaking, and apparently the pause was too long because Ryan was speaking again. [i]I’m not.[/i] Brendon felt hope and anticipation flare up inside his chest as his heart sped up, starting a wild rhythm. Ryan wasn’t over him. [i]I tried, and it’s easy to pretend, but I’m not.[/i] Brendon’s whole body sort of relaxed even though he was pent-up on anticipation and almost excitement. [b]”It’s easy to pretend,”[/b] He echoed softly. Those words resonated in his chest, because that’s all he had been doing for the past several months- pretending he didn’t wish it was Ryan in his arms, not Shane, and obstructing any chance they had at being together because he was scared at just how much he did subconsciously like him. Brendon had missed so many chances- this might be his final, and luckily, it seemed to be going in the way he wanted it to. Brendon inhaled and exhaled shakily, but with an odd refound confidence.

[b]”...I like you, Ryan,”[/b] He said suddenly, having sat up, but on its own, the confession sounded weightless, meaningless. So he elaborated. [b]”Like... Really. I want- I want to date you, Ryan, it’s always been you, I want someone to call my own and be with in every way and I don’t want that unless it’s with you.”[/b] His voice was quiet, raw, vulnerable, and he wasn’t meeting Ryan’s eyes. [b]“I chose Shane because I was scared. I didn’t want to hurt you, or myself, and when I broke up with him I thought I no longer had a chance, but-”[/b] He looked up, finally, unsure, but hopeful. [b]”You still like me. You feel the same. I- I’m just sorry it took so long.”[/b] Another pause, and Brendon was pushing his hair out of his eyes, tentatively tasting the blood on his lip and swallowing. He had so much more to say but he didn’t know how to say it, so he remained silent, just waiting for response.