[i]I was stupid.[/i] Ryan could argue that a bit - Shane was manipulative. Brendon wasn't stupid for falling for what must have been an initially very charming and likeable guy. [i]It's not like I loved him. I barely even liked him. I was stupid for dating him in the first place.[/i] Ryan nodded slightly, understanding, and he was happy to hear his suspicions were confirmed. It was petty and pretty immature, but whenever Ryan won out in their arguments and Brendon took his side, he knew Brendon must not actually like him - or at least, he preferred to be around Ryan. Being the 'favorite' was a really stupid premise, but it was the only way he could bear Shane for as long as he did: all along, Brendon had mediated them and it worked out, usually, in Ryan's favor. Despite Shane's charm, he couldn't make a new artificial relationship mean more to Brendon than a longterm, carefully built friendship.

He didn't want to talk about him for this long, though, didn't even like thinking about him when Shane randomly crossed his mind on normal days, so he let it be. Hell, he figured Brendon must be sick of talking about him; he'd separated from him a week ago, and that was supposed to be the end of Shane being in his life, preferably forever.  Thankfully despite Ryan's usually dubiously worded apologies it got across to Brendon, and he looked less on edge, reassuring. [i]It’s okay, I forgive you for that- I wouldn’t want to be around Shane for another second any more, either.[/i] Ryan grinned, almost wishing that, if that were true, then they could go back in time and he would bring Brendon with him. But he already knew his efforts to convince Brendon to get out of there were fruitless before, so he certainly wouldn't just obediently follow him to escape the relationship. He felt corny thanking Brendon for his forgiveness out loud and instead opted to communicate it with his expression before he ducked his head again.

The rest of this, though, was utterly confusing. Ryan had no idea whether his gauges on Brendon's reactions were inaccurate or if he really was this affected by the news of Ryan trying to fix his little (huge) issue. But he had no idea why. And when he was asked for more information, he was instantly on the defensive, which was certainly not the right way to answer - it was entirely unwarranted. He immediately regretted it when Brendon looked slightly remorseful, because he had no real reason to be - Ryan had just been making unfounded assumptions, giving in to his irrational anxiety. [i]That’s not what it is, I don’t need my ego stroked or anything-[/i] Ryan took advantage of his moment of hesitation to seize opportunity, knowing the surge of courage that he was suddenly gifted with was a rare event. He believed Brendon, obviously, because he wasn't that serious about what could only be described as an accusation moments ago, but he'd already been on a tangent.

[i]It’s easy to pretend.[/i] How did he relate, exactly? Ryan nodded slowly, looking vulnerable before he corrected himself, breathing out heavily and resettling against the cushions. He wasn't even looking right at him when he said [i]I like you, Ryan,[/i] but instantly raised his attention to Brendon's face, waiting for the punchline. Another distant thought: this was [i]so[/I] high school, so ridiculous that they had to make these confessions to each other like it was passing notes in class. But mostly he was taken aback, not quite wide-eyed and open-mouthed with shock but more just stunned looking, because for as long as he'd known Brendon he figured he was incapable of that. Much less... admitting to it. And the timing was incredibly convenient. He wasn't sure he counted as a 'rebound' after such an awful couple, but. He wasn't sure what to think at all, about any of this.

Brendon sat up almost confidently but Ryan stayed glued to his relaxed position, betraying his gradually faster heart. [i]Like... Really. I want- I want to date you, Ryan, it’s always been you, I want someone to call my own and be with in every way and I don’t want that unless it’s with you.[/i] But. He'd never thought that [i]before[/i]. How was being stuck in a loveless partnership so enlightening that he realized he preferred Ryan? Mostly Ryan just thought that... he had a wide spectrum of people to choose from, and picking him was some kind of joke, or he was trying to pander to Ryan's emotions. But the sound of his voice... there was nothing fake about that. [i]I chose Shane because I was scared. I didn’t want to hurt you, or myself, and when I broke up with him I thought I no longer had a chance, but-[/i] Ryan sort of understood that. It'd hurt like hell if he had to split from his best friend. He thought he'd been welcoming enough, open arms and all, but even that wasn't enough to guarantee Brendon - who'd never been in this situation, ever - security. 

[i]You still like me. You feel the same. I- I’m just sorry it took so long.[/i] Ryan hadn't moved since hearing those first four words, and he knew he [i]had[/i] to after Brendon exposed himself that way, but it still felt surreal. He had no idea how to take this. Maybe if he had, like, a lifeline, but pressing pause and going [i]can I call a friend[/i] didn't seem like a great idea. The situation was so bizarre, such a long shot from when he still called Brendon 'sir' and just went home when Brendon didn't immediately need him. And it was an even farther shot from the detached, careless man-child he'd first met, first seen in tabloids. [b]"Brendon..."[/b] he started, very intelligently, and was pretty sure his mouth was entirely dry. [b]"You don't know how long I've wanted to hear you say that."[/b] So long that he'd discovered a tiny speech alone could make him feel like he'd just run a marathon. How had he come to [i]this[/i] from planning a casual date?

He remembered removing himself as quickly as possible from Brendon's bed or his couch or whatever place they could find just to avoid the inevitable intimacy he'd want to give in to. He remembered being careful not to show signs of his intense crush after their first time, with him acting stupidly entitled to some kind of relationship - and even with that much care he still couldn't get his work done at least thirty percent of the time. He remembered when they were kissing for no reason other than as a preface and he'd imagine so much more meaning behind it, pretend they ever had a chance in his head. And now he did. It didn't sit with him right, though, and no matter how he would potentially go about this, he knew Brendon would feel like making himself vulnerable that way just for Ryan to be uncertain was a personal attack, or something. After all, although this wasn't an outright [i]rejection,[/i] Brendon wasn't used to anything that wasn't instant gratification.

And he wanted so, so badly to give him that anyway. But if the anxiety again whispering 'what if's and 'maybe's to him was right, he'd just get hurt more than ever before. [b]"I - I do. I do still like you. But I don't know if... you really feel the same."[/b] He felt [i]awful.[/i] [b]"What am I supposed to say, Bren? I pine after you for months and it -"[/b] He cut himself off before he went into too much detail about how that felt, redirecting. [b]"You tell me you like me after I always thought it was impossible, you never would..."[/b] He remembered how he'd talked about why he picked Shane, suddenly related more than ever. [b]"I'm scared, too,"[/b] he said honestly, quiet as ever. [b]"I could come back, and you realise you just missed the company, misinterpreted things. What then?"[/b] He was so, so impressed by how open Brendon had been - but when it was under probably false ideals, it was hard to say right out.