[quote=@Nightrunner]
<Snipped quote by Retired>

Ha! Joke's on you! I've had four girlfriends--but I HAVE NEVER BEEN ON AN ACTUAL DATE. Therefore, by virtue of the thing happening in the present, it is very much not like my first actual date!

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Damn. I suck.
[/quote]

Four "girlfriends" minus two hands leave you with a blow-up doll, and a girl in Canada whom none of your friends have ever met and is always unable to visit. 

The whole no actual dates thing makes complete sense.