Ryan had never had a predetermined type or anyone in his head who he saw as perfect, or 'the one,' anything like that. In fact he never thought of himself as the romantic type, didn't think he was really cut out for relationships or even tiny flings. After all, everything he had had was short-lived, or if it was a long-term thing, it had never flowed very well at all. When he started picking up feelings for Brendon - for every endearing habit he had, every witty comment he threw out, every silly mistake Ryan had to fix by contract - he realized maybe something could happen between him and someone else, maybe he could feel something for someone else that was serious. Then again he'd only really been comfortable calling whatever was between the two of them a 'puppy crush' so far, so. Maybe not. But it was nice to pretend Brendon had awoken that capacity in him, and either way, Ryan was ready to let it play out, tiny crush or not. 

That is to say - he was ready until it turned out his confidence couldn't stand so many different ways to say 'I'm not interested' or 'it'll never happen.' So, in turn, Ryan kept figuring out new ways to downplay his own interest, kept on trying to bury his feelings. For a while he thought it was a blessing that Shane had stepped in, as shitty as it was to watch someone else be the 'first real boyfriend,' to take the brunt of Brendon not being able to muster up that kind of emotion; and then it really wasn't that great 'cause Shane was a piece of shit, but. Still. It was an (unwelcome) distraction to hate someone who pretended to like Brendon the same way Ryan did. Thought he did. Whatever. He was maybe a little bit in denial. And now that Shane was supposedly out of the picture, he had to keep on denying feelings that kept bubbling to the surface all over again, weeks after he thought he'd improved.

Now it was like all those possibilities he'd been denied were being dangled in front of him, and everything he'd hoped could be real [i]could be[/i] - but that'd always been such a distant dream that now he didn't believe it. It had to be some kind of trick, or Brendon wasn't thinking things through, as usual. And if that was true, and Ryan fell for it, and then in a few days Brendon decided he wasn't into him at all and it'd all been a passing thing - he'd feel like an idiot and his heart would be broken. Thus far he'd been really, really good about protecting that part of him, so. To give it up now... Ryan had no idea what he'd do, or where he'd go; he didn't even think he'd want to leave Brendon [i]then.[/i] He couldn't imagine being instantly over him even after a split like that, or not wanting to be his friend anymore. Most importantly, he wanted Brendon to keep being his best friend, too, 'cause he'd learned how to let his life revolve around him and nothing else.

Looking at him now, though, and all the faint hurt anticipated on his face beneath the nerves - Ryan knew he wasn't doing a good job protecting the most important thing in his life. His uncertainty wasn't understood, and he couldn't even explain why he was this hesitant. [i]You’re welcome?[/i] Yeah, he had no idea. He kept on looking as bold as he could but Ryan saw through it, instantly feeling remorse. [i]But I just [/i]told [i]you I do.[/i] He could say it as much as he wanted. But Ryan hadn't seen any actions pointing to him feeling that way... except he kind of had. Whenever he thought he was attributing too much of his own feelings to Brendon being soft towards him, maybe that was actually Brendon coming to terms with how he felt, in denial himself. This... complicated things. Ryan leaned a little away when he shifted forwards, timid in contrast to Brendon's reignited confidence. [i]If you still like me, what’s the problem?[/i] The problem was that Ryan knew for sure he was fundamentally unlikeable, especially with someone like Brendon, but he wasn't going to say [i]that[/i]. He pursed his lips, adamant.

[i]You say you’re happy, and you date me.[/i] Ryan wished it was that easy. Thinking back to all the moments he'd thought he was projecting his own emotions onto whatever Brendon was doing, maybe it was that easy. He wished he'd just said he was busy and gone on that stupid date. [i]I don’t understand the issue.[/i] Brendon looked defiant, but there was something uneasy beneath that, and Ryan truly felt for him. He wanted to believe him so badly that he almost did. He'd wanted this for so long that he just wanted to [i]accept[/i] it and take Brendon's word. [i]...Do you think I’m lying? That I’m that out of tune with my feelings? I might find it difficult, Ryan, but this- I wouldn’t be here if I wasn’t sure.[/i] That was the first time he'd ever said anything like that. In fact, all of this was very 'first' for Brendon, all very new and... maybe the changes were all real. Ryan was beyond impressed, and beyond touched. If it was real, it was for [i]him.[/i]

Brendon leaned away again and looked tired as ever, hands running over his face. [i]Whatever, if that’s- if that’s how you feel...[/i] He'd, for once, spilled his heart for Ryan to see all and Ryan hadn't shown him how much he appreciated that privilege. Ryan quickly moved across the couch, gently taking Brendon's hands from his face and wrapping his own around them. He looked at him seriously for a second before his gaze drifted slightly, the rainbow of sticky notes in his periphery, and if he'd obsessed over Brendon and everything he ever did before, what was he doing now passing this up? Ryan focused on him again, brow furrowed. [b]"No, I don't know how I feel,"[/b] he said more clearly, relatively eloquent again. [b]"But I've never seen you like this. I - I can't believe how far you've come. And if it's because you really feel that way - fuck, Bren, I..."[/b] He lightly squeezed his hands, eyes dropping to his mouth for half a second, and what the hell were they doing, god.

[b]"I don't want you to change your mind,"[/b] he said in a quieter voice, self-conscious. [b]"I haven't changed mine, but that's because... you're you. And. I don't know, just... you'll realize you can do better, or something. I'm - I'm not ready for that."[/b] Ryan kept hanging on to his hands despite knowing that it was probably time to let go, to actually reflect his words, but. He just wanted to give in; it felt like they were meant to be, anyway, as cheesy as it sounded. The connection seemed to level them, or it felt that way, and finally the distance that'd been between them so long felt lessened.