Brendon pulled away from him almost instantly, and Ryan felt like a part of him was ripped from his hands, too. He wondered a lot whether he was in the right place, doing the right thing; here and now, Ryan knew he was making a mistake overthinking everything like this. None of this had happened how he wanted, sure. If it was up to him, Brendon would have known much, much sooner that he should be with Ryan, and they'd be together to this day. But it wasn't up to him and now he was making a series of awful mistakes, pushing Brendon further and further away when that'd never been his goal before. If he couldn't accept Brendon's confession for fact now (and he was becoming more comfortable believing him the more [i]un[/i]comfortable he was otherwise) then he probably wouldn't get a chance like this again. Ryan focused on the hurt in the moments it took to pass, curling his fingers inward protectively. 

[i]Then you don’t feel strongly enough about me.[/i] There was sound reason for Brendon to think that, but no - he couldn't be further from right. Ryan watched him, head shaking slightly, wanting to communicate so badly that he was unbelievably wrong, but that was a hard message to get across in this situation. [i]What do you mean, [/i]if? [i]I’m not fucking lying to you, jesus-[/i] Really, he couldn't be. Brendon was too adamant about it all, too serious and too genuine sounding to be lying or joking or trying to embarrass Ryan, whatever. And if he was unsure about himself later on, it would be more than shocking, considering how much thought was going into him telling Ryan. Brendon wouldn't put this much effort and time into it if he didn't mean it; he wouldn't be risking himself in this way. [b]"You're not,"[/b] he said very quietly, barely audible, incredulous.

[i]But I have changed my mind- for the better. I want to be with you, it’s not- that difficult a concept...[/i] Ryan opened his mouth to tell him that, yes, it was an incredibly difficult concept, that was the whole point, but Brendon seemed to catch on. He stayed quiet and kept on watching him speak like he'd been, gaze intent because seeing him talk like this was... a lot to take in. It reignited the stronger feelings he thought he'd got to dissipate. [i]If you didn’t want me, whatever, I’d live, but Ryan, you do want me. I’m not blind. I don’t understand why you’re making this so difficult.[/i] Brendon approached this so uniquely; he'd never been rejected, or turned down or even considered a second best, as far as Ryan knew, and here it was showing. Not that he was incorrectly entitled or anything. He was absolutely right. Ryan wanted him, wanted everything that could happen between them, wanted what he'd always imagined might be and was now a very real possibility if only he'd ignore his fears for once.

Clearly exasperated by his first experience of the word 'no' (or more accurately, 'maybe not') Brendon was standing again, looking torn apart by the circumstances. Ryan finally took his eyes off of him and instead let them fall to the floor, knowing this was his home but feeling weirdly unwelcome, unfamiliar. [i]Ryan. Ryan, fuck- you’re gorgeous, you look so fucking good, you’re all I’ve been thinking about for the past week, I miss you.[/i] Again. Those words were all he'd ever dreamed about since meeting Brendon. He kept his gaze determinedly fixed to the hardwood, feeling his heart more rapidly, willing himself not to react so strongly to Brendon. It'd been so much time since they even touched, and now he felt like they were worlds away despite Brendon being just within reach, god. 

[i]Fuck [/i]finding better. [i]You’re the only person I’ve ever genuinely wanted to date, and- you won’t even believe me, what’s the point?[/i] Ryan looked up again, at how hopeless he looked, how broken he was by a perceived rejection, and. This wasn't what he wanted. Ryan stood and carefully wrapped an arm around him, trying to coax his arms down and turn him until they faced each other. He'd said all the right things, sounded so sure and so oddly romantic for him, and Ryan knew there was nothing he could say in turn to make up for his own anxiety ruining things, so. He searched Brendon's face for a moment, wishing he had all the right words for 'sorry,' and ended up just leaning in, kissing Brendon only one fair count of Mississippi in case that was no longer welcome. He kept himself mostly detached otherwise, afraid maybe he'd pushed Brendon too much. [b]"You're full of surprises, you know that,"[/b] he said softly, fixing his attention lower at Brendon's shoulder after a moment. [b]"I'm sorry, I just... I never thought you would... I'm sorry. I do,  I do want you, I always have."[/b]