Brendon knew pretty much everything about Ryan’s past ‘serious’ relationships, that had been on-off, fraught with conflict and toxicity, and exclusively with women, as far as he knew- Ryan had told him all about it, after a little gentle pushing. He was just genuinely curious about Ryan’s history, because if this was the man he wanted to be with, he had to learn about his past to become comfortable in the present to share the future with him. So Ryan spilled after not a lot of convincing, which was surprising, because he didn’t like to talk much about himself. But then, Brendon was in a unique position- Ryan’s boyfriend, now of a year, who was the only person Ryan was truly gentle for and didn’t get sick of spending time with. Brendon felt privileged to be maybe Ryan’s first [i]concrete[/i] geniune relationship, but on the other hand, insecurities started to play on his mind during tour. While moving around the world for over a year on tour, where he was surrounded by so many different people that he got on well with and felt attracted to (nothing more, obviously; just feelings he couldn’t help), seeds of doubt had sprouted in his heart. Ryan was his first long-term, serious romance, and it wasn’t like he felt [i]tied down,[/i] but he was worried that he didn’t actually know that what he felt for Ryan [i]was[/i] actual love and whether it was just... He wasn’t sure, but he was scared, anxious he was making the wrong decision, committing to one person too soon.

If Brendon had a little sense, and was less impulsive to be jumping to these conclusions immediately, he’d get in tune with himself and recognise that yeah, he was in love, undoubtedly, and that hadn’t weakened- even with tour, which had been, in a word, exhausting. It had been the best part and then some of a year of none-stop shows and very short breaks and having to spend every waking minute with the same three people. Tensions did run high on that tour, mostly from frustration and the sensation of being cooped up without much space, but on a whole, they had enjoyed it. The last album was the first one Brendon had anything to do with, and since lead vocalist was changing to Brendon for an actual record and he wasn’t just heavily contributing towards the vocals live, everyone was slightly worried about the possible backlash of such a drastic change. But they had confidence in Brendon, it was Brendon, for fuck’s sake, and Ryan especially (strange, considering Brendon was sort of hogging the limelight- but then Ryan had never been one for that anyway) reassured Brendon that it would be received fine. And they were all right- sold-out tour, top selling album and singles, generally positive reviews from critics and an incredible from most fans (apart from those who were diehard for Ryan’s more subtle, humble frontman style and extremely different voice and stage presence).

So, in that way, everything was looking great when tour finally ended- even though the band members had started briefly locking horns over musical direction, there were only surface cracks that could easily be healed. They didn’t start writing again (or rather, Ryan didn’t, and everyone generally followed his lead at this point), and went home to have some well-deserved, extended alone time for the first time in a year. For Brendon and Ryan, that lasted a couple of days before they were seeing eachother almost every day again, because they were just that smitten for eachother, still in their extended honeymoon phase. Everything was fine, it was like in the beginning, they were touchy and affectionate and loving and close- but then Ryan started talking about the future, and Brendon didn’t understand. Wasn’t the present good enough for him? Did everything have to be so defined? He was mentioning things like moving in, and Brendon felt himself to a little dizzy when that was brought up, and not in a good way. Brendon loved Ryan- and he was doubting his feelings now- but it was a little suffocating.

It was when Ryan started casually talking about moving in together when Brendon decided conclusively it was time to sever the tie, move on, get a chance to actually meet other people before he made the decision to settle with the first man he’d ever dated. He’d heard everywhere that a first romance never lasted- and to prevent himself worse heartache, he thought it made sense to cut it off sooner rather than later. It became a self-fulfilling prophecy- Brendon was spelling out the demise of a healthy and happy relationship because of his own fears of commitment, not out of any rational reasoning. He hadn’t spoken to anyone, not even Ryan, which should have probably been his first port of call- instead, Brendon was characteristically impulsive and came to the decision himself. He’d mulled it over in hindsight for a few days when he decided there was no point prolonging the inevitable, and he sent Ryan a vague but breezy text about him coming over. [i]Hell Yeah.[/i] Brendon smiled despite himself, then it dropped. 

Their apartments were about ten minutes away from eachother, so ten minutes later, Brendon got a text that told him Ryan was almost there. He went and stood in his bathroom, splashed his face with cold water, and ran his hands through his hair. His hands were shaking, and he bit his lip so hard while concentrating on trying to stop them that he tasted blood. Suddenly, he heard the door open- he’d left it unlocked, and he turned, strode out of the bathroom, and met his boyfriend halfway across the living room. [i]Brendon Blake. Your door was[/i] unlocked. [b]”Excellent observation,”[/b] He retorted gently, his snarky response automatic, their exchange comfortable, familiar. Brendon’s chest felt uncomfortably tight. [i]Unless that’s for my convenience, I’m disappointed.[/i] Brendon smiled faintly, all thoughts of breakup and stress momentarily dissipating when Ryan covered the space between them and immediately rested his hands on his waist. Brendon stayed quiet as he received a chaste kiss on the cheek, and he gazed up at his boyfriend, enamoured- no. What was he doing? This teenage attachment wasn’t how to go about a breakup. [i]Hey, you. What are you up to?[/i]
 
Brendon released a long sigh, that could be relieved or disappointed. He rested his hands gently on Ryan’s arms and impulsively leaned in to kiss him, then stepped into his arms and slung his arms around his neck, burying his face in the crook of his shoulder and inhaling. [b]”Waiting for you,”[/b] Brendon reported, closing his eyes. He felt so comfortable, secure. Maybe he didn’t have to break up with him. He decided distantly he’d let Ryan convince him. [b]”How about you?”[/b] His voice was muffled against Ryan’s v-neck. The one Brendon wore so much that it was stranger to see Ryan wear it. He didn’t pull away.